Fuck Kony 2012

Our heroes, hard at work not helping.

March is officially Hipster Dipshit Month. Last year, I watched as my generation wept crocodile tears from behind their Rivers Cuomo glasses and took off their Che Guevara hats in honor of the tsunami in Japan. "Do something about Japan", they said on their Facebooks and Twitters, "help those who need it". Great job, gang! Posting hippie bullshit all over the internet is sure to stop those mean ol' tsunamis, right?

WRONG.

Well Captain Stupid is at it again, commanding his followers to spread their legs and spray the crimson cunt water of retardedness all over the internet for the whole world to see. New topic: Uganda, and the terrorist Joseph Kony!

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The above man (not Carl Weathers, I assure you) is Joseph Kony, and last week he made a powerful enemy: the internet. A thirty minute documentary called 'Kony 2012' has shot from the bowels of YouTube and onto the FaceBook of every liberal scrote-snacker from here to Williamsburg. Out of principle, I won't actually post the link, but if you wanna watch it, I guarantee you one of your friends has it on their FaceBook. Watch it, if you must, then delete them from your friends list. If you can, get a handgun and delete them from real life, but if not, I'll understand.

The long and short of it is Kony Bryant here has been abducting African children to fight his Christian Extremist wars against Sudan, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and the Central African Republic in an attempt to turn Uganda into a Christian theocracy since 1986. This became news last week. Last week.

And yet everybody I see with these videos posted on their wall, saying "spread the word, make him famous" acts like they know everything about the subject, or that they're somehow supporting the plight of these African children by writing about it on FaceBook. Newsflash: that's retarded.

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Every single person in the world who puts some BS about Kony on their FaceBook page is doing it so that they can maximize pretentiousness with minimal effort. Notice how no one's saying "join the Army, go to Africa, and murder Joseph Kony"? That's because no one gives a shit about Uganda. If you can't find Uganda on a map, you don't care about it.

And even if you do donate to Invisible Children, the least amount of effort shy of just posting the video and telling others to donate, you aren't doing anything but lining the wallets of the chubby white hipsters at Invisible Children, the "charity" backing the organization. About thirty percent of the profit from this short documentary is spread across several organizations supporting International Criminal Court in their apprehension of Kony. The other seventy percent goes towards skinny jeans, sailor tattoos, and pencil moustaches.

Finally, even if Invisible Children actually was donating every cent they received to these anti-Kony organizations, it would really only have mattered before 2005, when Kony became wanted on a global scale by the ICC. Of course, this organization really helped in 1986, when ll this bullshit began. Then again, in 1986, we didn't have hipsters, let alone FaceBook or YouTube, so the likely efficacy of this movement in hindsight would probably have been nil. Just like now.

Usually this would be where I end my spiel, probably by telling you to go to Africa and find Konye West yourself, but I understand this task is too difficult for most. Rather, I suggest you stop Kony the easiest and sexiest way possible

1) HAVE A BABY. Kony has spent the last seven years evading captured, so I'm sure he can evade it for another nine months. Those of you with toddlers you no longer want can give to the effort now.

2) SEND BABY TO AFRICA. Let's face it; raising a kid is hard. Let the Army do it for you! Your baby will train in the jungles of Africa, swinging from vines and shooting AK-47 at leopards I assume.

3) LET BABY KILL KONY. The babies will use their expert military training to lure Kony to their Sit-N-Spins, where he will find several unattended babies. His natural instincts to kidnap said baby will take over, except this baby has already been trained to kill, and comes with a hand grenade in his diaper.

Sure, we'll lose a few babies in the process, but what does that really mean nowadays except fewer episodes of 16 & Pregnant? Kony 2012, y'all. Make me famous!