Why America Doesn't Need Background Checks

Shame on you, lady!

Guns rule. I don't think anything is more manly than shooting a gun at something. Think about it; I'm a man. My weapon is my cock. But also, I have a gun, which is like a metal cock. Guns shoot bullets, which are like little tiny lead cocks. Shooting bullets at something is like shooting little death cocks out of a metal cock being operated by someone with a cock. MANLY.

But danger looms, kids. That guy we elected President says universal background checks are key to preventing further gun violence. Preposterous, I know, and the American people aren't standing for it, other than the ninety-one percent of voting Americans who said they stand for it. I stand by the letter of the second amendment, even though it doesn't actually say I have the right to own guns. Guns helped build this nation from the very start, when our European ancestors came to this land and shot all the Indians. No one kills people with guns quite as skillfully or frequently as Americans do! With the help of guns and the greatest President ever, we managed to kill over 620,000 of our own citizenry during the civil war. To add insult to injury, that's more Americans dead than our total losses in all of the previous and following armed conflicts involving American troops combined. Suck it, al-Qaida!

Now you're thinking, "but Darsh, universal background checks are the only bipartisan measure we have against gun violence". And that, friends, is exactly why I don't support universal background checks. I hate teamwork, and therefore any measure deemed bipartisan just isn't going to fly. Also, I like owning guns, and if gun shop owners were forced to run a background check on me, they'd find that I am in no mental condition to own a firearm. That means all that paperwork filed and man hours spent to not sell a gun to me; way to kill small businesses, Comrade Obama. Which is more important, people: the convenience of small business owners, or kids not getting shot? After all, Entrepreneur magazine called small businesses 'the backbone of America'. No one calls dead children the backbone of anything.

A little girl exercising her right to handle a WMD

Background checks aren't the answer. The truth is, kids, if you get shot at school, it's your/your parents' fault for not sending you to school wearing a flak jacket and wielding a 1911A1. When will the American public wake up and realize it is no longer safe to leave your home unarmed? There are too many people just walking around with guns out there! Why, just the other day while I was waiting in line at the grocery store I had to use my gun. As I do whenever I'm in line for the checkout, I spent my time waiting in the queue by loading and polishing my perfectly legal to own and carry in the state of New Hampshire Heckler and Koch HK33! I love my Heckler and Koch; I especially love the second part of it.

Nothing is more American than owning a gun stolen off a dead PAVN soldier

Anyway, as I was loading rounds into my magazine (which, again, is totally legal to do out in the open in NH), a white guy in Dockers and a pastel pink polo pulled a knife on the cashier, causing many of my fellow shoppers to spill their beverages in fear. Well, this motherfucker doesn't cotton to criminals in his neighborhood, so I loaded my cartridge, leveled my rifle at my hip and said, "say hello to Treyvon Martin," just before I shot him in the leg (curse you, HB135).

I know, I know... I'm a hero. And I know, American gun owners are responsible for stopping almost every crime in the history of forever. Which makes it so hard to believe politicians who spout off meaningless statistics, like how numbers frequently cited by gun owners on how many crimes are stopped by private citizens are actually from 1990, or how our violent crime rate has been dropping almost five percent yearly since 1992, or how children in America are eleven times more likely to be shot than children in other first world countries, but those are just meaningless facts. Anyone can make up a fact. For example, my penis is eighteen inches long. That's a fact.

I feel like this debate is circling the drain. No matter how many children are shot and killed in their own schools, America will never divorce itself from its guns. Guns are ingrained in our society, like grain is ingrained in things made out of grain. Guns are as American as spaghetti, burritos, and the NRA. Speaking of the NRA, did you know that the NH branch of the NRA has begun airing ads defending Kelly Ayotte for voting against universal background checks? I always think its so nice when gun lobbies give little gifts like that to politicians for setting aside the safety of their constituents and supporting the interests of citizens who actually matter: rich white men.

 AMERICA!