I know what you're thinking: another fucking Rocky movie. Actually, Stallone isn't portraying Balboa in this movie (for some reason), but rather a completely different old Italian boxer who wants to fight his way out of retirement. Who could possibly think this was a re-hash of other Stallone movies, or that DeNiro was thrown in to make people say, "they were good together in Cop Land, so logically this movie will be even better"?
But that's not the only unoriginal old-person-movie slated to hit theatres soon; take a look at Last Vegas, starring three old white guys and Morgan Freeman as their black friend.
Aside from also featuring De Niro not even bothering to act anymore, the movie boasts four male friends who journey to Vegas for a bachelor party and wind up in a series of zany misunderstandings and yuk-filled hijinkery. Sounds a lot like a movie I've seen three times already.
Compare these two surefire shitstorms to movies like Red, It's Complicated, and Hope Springs. Old people are invading our cinemas and remaking our films, presumably to take out all the rap music and sass-back.
Aside from being pandering drivel, these movies are just not entertaining. I mean, who decided old people needed their own movies anyway? Most of the old people I know are dead, and the ones who are alive sleep through every movie they watch. Plus, a lot of these old-people-films (I'm going to call them OPFs from now on) feature sex and violence as predominant themes. Who decided our old people should be having sex with each other? Senior pregnancy rates are at an all-time low; let's keep it there. The violent content doesn't really bother me personally, but if your target audience wore pacemakers and struggled to breath while eating, would you litter your films with explosions and dismemberments? Unless you wanted the aisles of the local CineMagic to be a writhing mass of coronary episodes, you'd tone it down a shade.
To recap, these movies are poorly written, poorly acted, poorly planned, and poorly reviewed. So why do we keep seeing them pop into theatres? I mean, I like The Expendables as much as anyone, but that doesn't mean I wanna see old dudes in every movie. Also, why is it that whenever Hollywood needs an old black man, Morgan Freeman is immediately given the part? It's like no one even considers Delroy Lindo anymore.
Did you motherfuckers even see Crooklyn?!
The madness must stop. Old people, stop making movies. And if you insist on watching these shitty movies, keep them to yourselves. I imagine all the world's old people being kept in prisons, but instead of like barred windows and armed guards, because everyone in the prison is old and all, I picture like satin drapes and really nice comforters on all the beds. In these prisons, the old people can live as they please, complaining about the temperature of their bath water, accusing the ethnic staff of stealing, and watching these dreadful films in solace. We'll say we'll come to visit but we never will. And eventually the prisons will stop medicating those who have overstayed their mortal welcomes, and the unmedicated will be left to wander into the wilds to be taken by the elements. We'll call them 'retirement homes', and all of them will be in Florida.
Until my glorious transmission comes to pass, I suggest we turn the tactics of the elderly against them. I want everyone who reads this post to write an angry, poorly spelled, directionless letter of disgust to any movie studio; bonus points if you accuse the studio execs of indoctrinating viewers into the Jewish agenda. Eventually, the studios will relent, as a letter-writing campaign is legally binding in California. Let's stop the Gray Menace before they come out with a remake of Sex & the City.
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