The Aristocrats

I am very funny. If you know me, and someone who doesn't know me asked you to describe me, that would probably be the first thing that would come up. My funniness is the stuff of legends. In fact, Legends of The Hidden Temple did an episode where the artifact was my book of funny things I've said. Of course, the kids never got it, because I had snuck onto the set with a billy club and attacked any of them who dared approach my book of funny things.

I'm also quite famous. Sometimes, when I walk down the boulevard (I never walk down streets; you could catch something), a hobo will ask me for a quarter and I'll say, "A guy walks into a bar," and then keep walking. That's one quarter of my famous 'Guy Walking Into Bar' joke.

So, put my funniness and my famousness together, and whaddya get? A powder keg of possibilities, bitch! And all it takes to light the fuse is for someone to ask me to tell a joke...

Here's a quickie: I once set a homeless man on fire. Zing!

But I have my limits. And those of you who worship me, all 180,977 of you, know that these limits are not to be crossed. And the limits start and end with two words. "The Aristocrats."

I will never do The Aristocrats for free. I'm sure you've all heard the joke. A guy walks into CBS Studios in New York City and says he has an idea for a show. Insert some whacky, looney sexual situations, and yadda-yadda-yadda... The Aristocrats. But the beauty of the Aristocrats is not in the joke. I mean, the Aristocrats itself is not very funny. Not because the premise isn't funny; au contrair, mon frair. A guy walks into CBS Studios? He just waltzes in? Hey, pal, you can't just do that! Who do you think you are? Comic genius!

The Aristocrats isn't funny because it's always being told by the fat guy who stumbles up onstage during open mic night at Pablo's Bar and Grill. You know who I'm talking about. He's the one frat boy left all alone in community college because all of his friends are in Iraq. So he stumbles onto the stage, grabs the mic and opens with the Aristocrats. Not funny. In fact, it's the opposite of funny. Not sad, that's more the opposite of happy. Hatred-inspiring. That's more like it.

If you want to hear me do the Aristocrats, it will cost you at least $500. If you want to hear me criticize your version of the Aristocrats, that'll be $100. Hey, that's a bargain. Do you know how much I paid Andy Dick to criticize my version? And later I found out that Andy Dick isn't even funny. Fucking liar.

But here's what I'll give my loyal followers. A few notes on my version, given free of charge (not really, I mean I charge people to look at my site; one human soul per view). This way, you can rip me off in front of your friends, and look funny and cool, until I appear, dressed as Abraham Lincoln, and sue your ass for stealing my material.

1) WE OPEN WITH DIARRHEA 'SHEET' SHOOTING. Basically, it's the same as skeet shooting, but instead the guy shoots at bags full of shit. Also, there needs to be a live audience, otherwise, who do we spill the shit on? Also, we need a Mexican, or at least a white guy pretending. So either a Mexican or Carlos Mencia. In any case, we need them to say shit like 'sheet', otherwise, how will shit rhyme with skeet?
2)TERRY SCHIAVO IS BROUGHT ONSTAGE AND HOT KARL'ED. This will be tricky, as Terry Schiavo is dead, and digging up dead people costs a fuck of a lot of money. Rather, I will spend that money on crystals, which will then be used to travel backwards through time, where I will pick up Terry Schiavo and bring her to the studio for her cameo. After she is beaten with tube socks full of shit and cum (to keep the shit warm), she will be transported back to 2005, where she can die as God wants her to: slowly and painfully.
3)WE END WITH A ROW OF INMATES FROM GUANTANAMO BEING CRUCIFIED. This will be cool because it will attract the Jesus freaks. This way, they can see a bearded, emaciated Arab get tortured within the comfort of their own home! Also, instead of just getting pinned to their respective crosses by big, pointy fucking stakes, each inmate will have jumper cables running from the engines of a row of '66 Corvettes up to their testicles. As the show ends, and 'Keep On Rockin' In The Free World' plays, and fireworks go off (also, let's stick some ostriches in there), the engines roar, shocking each inmate to death. We don't want them to suffer through the pain and humiliation of what happens when the Corvettes ride off the set.

That's pretty much it for my version of The Aristocrats. Also, don't end by saying the show is called The Aristocrats, either. Say it's called 'Darsh's Aristocrats', so everyone knows it was my idea and not yours. Otherwise, how will I be paid for the funny things I've said? Enjoy :)