More Dreams

Many of you, my loyal followers, will recall that last year around this time I put up an article about my dreams. Remember the one with me riding unicorns and then teabagging some slut? Yeah, that one. Well, I never thought I'd put up another piece about my dreams, but lately they've become...prophetic.

Yes, it's true. I am a clairvoyant. Or at least I've become one. For instance, last night I dreamt that I put my keys on my kitchen counter, and when I woke up, that's where they were. Madness!

Every day is a struggle with my powers. I can't get them to do what I want. I can't predict lotto numbers, or the weather, or when Obama will be assassinated. In fact, I can only predict things that involve me. This is a serious blow to my plans of assassinating President Obama, but I digress.

Sometimes my dreams repeat themselves inside my head. In fact, three dreams especially stand out in my mind. These are the events of the future, people. We must never do anything to upset the balance of time. So put one hand on your heart and repeat after me: "I WILL NOT CHANGE THE FUTURE UNLESS FOR MONETARY GAIN." Thank you. Anyhoo, here's the future.

1) I WILL HAVE A DAUGHTER. I dreamt last week that I was on the Maury Povich show, and my teenage daughter was holding her own infant child, both weeping underneath the hot stage lights. My daughter turned to the audience and said, "I just want her to have a childhood better than I did." At which point I stood up and said, "You're welcome. I mean, really, I'm sitting right here." Of course, this dream brings up one question: if it's the future, why isn't Maury Povich dead?

2)I WILL CLIMB EVEREST. In fact, I'll do it all the time. The first time I do it, I'll be drunk, and just sort of half-assing it. This will be my longest run. Later I'll acquire the tools I'll need to do it correctly, like rope and stuff. After my seventh or eighth climb, people will stop reporting it on the news, and after my twelfth, my Sherpas will tell me to just do it alone. I'll stop after twenty, when the Tibetans who live at the peak tell me to stop coming up to impregnate their daughters.

3)ANTI-GAY INJECTIONS WILL BE MANDATORY. These injections will be required for all citizens who fail a simple gay test: "Are penises nice?" If you say yes, you're either gay or a woman. After a state-mandated 'feel-copping' to determine the subject's gender, they will either be free to enjoy womanhood or subjected to painful experimentation. Somewhere down the line, vaccines will be created, which must be administered every twenty seconds. Those who do not comply will be shot out of a cannon aimed at the sun. Of course, they won't actually reach the sun, but the cannon will be pretty huge, so it will hurt a lot. Also, when you land, you'll be really far away, so you'll have to walk to your car in order to get home. I picked this one up, because for some reason, I have to get these shots. I keep telling them I'm not gay, but they just stick me with a needle and say, "Not for the next twenty seconds," and keep walking.

So, there you have it. My notes on the future. Now, unless I'm confusing my life with the plot of Back To The Future II, I need to get back to 2020 in order to keep my son from being tricked into breaking into a museum with my school bully's grandson. Ta-ta!