Rage: Born on the Fourth of July

As I look out the window of my small, dark, and damp apartment, i see a fat man in biker shorts barbecuing some polish sausage for his two chubby wormlings, one chubby worm-baby, and his disgusting wife. It's a Rockefeller-esque portrait of Americana; the Polska, the 2.5 children, and the morbid obesity. It seems we as Americans have not, throughout the years, lost touch with what makes this country truly great: the endless ability to engorge oneself on ass-meat packed into intestinal casings by dirty, rusted machinery and/or Mexicans.

However, there is one group (the Irish) who cannot seem to figure out the true meaning of Independence Day. I read their posts on Facebook all the time, because when you're unemployable like me, and 3 AM rolls around, you need something to piss you off so that Glorksnak the Destroyer will stay in your closet where he belongs... Moving right along.

Everywhere you look it's the same. "Happy 4th of July... Troops, you're in my heart". Really? Why the troops? Oh, probably because they're in Iraq instead of being at home with their families celebrating, right? WRONG. Here's another gem, sent to me by some asshole in East Bumfuck, Nowhere: "hey fuckface, not troops=no independence day". Oh sure, because every three seconds we get invaded. I can see the logic in that, and... excuse me I'm getting a call.

Yes.... Oh? We haven't been invaded since 1780... And since that was the year the Constitution was ratified by the last State in the Union, technically speaking we've never been invaded? But Pearl Harbor, September Eleventh... Attacks don't count? Wow, embarrassing.

Okay, so thanks to an anonymous whistle blower named Glorksnak, your shit=ruined.

Listen, stupids. The Fourth of July is about Freedom and Independence, this is true. But I'm sick of everyone who knows a servicemen (Coast Guard does NOT count) getting wasted and fist-fighting Arabs at the Kwik-E-Mart and justifying it by screaming out their love of 'the troops'. I think they're trying to say 'soldiers', but maybe 'troops' is easier to say when one's belly is full of Heineken. Anyhoo my inebriated brethren, you are incorrect. The Fourth of July has absolutely nothing to do with troops, soldiers, or even wars. It is a celebration of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which was actually signed on the Second of July. In fact, the damned thing wasn't even signed by everyone until the Seventh, meaning the Fourth of July is a Holiday of contradictions. Congratulations, Drunky MacGee, your drinking binge means nothing.

I know what you're thinking; "Darsh, you can't say that, dude. Don't you love the troops? They deserve a holiday, too, man." Hey dickface, ever hear of Memorial Day? Or Veterans Day? Or Armed Serviceperson's Week? Oh yeah, when it comes to holidays, 'the troops' really get screwed. Never mind the whole 'going to war and dying for their country' thing, what really sucks is that they only have two holidays and a friggin' week dedicated to their celebration.

I wouldn't even mind these lies about the Fourth being spread if they were being spread by people who have actually seen overseas combat. At least that way, I could say that, although they are wrong, they are fighting for something that truly affects them. Rather, the people who argue, complain, and just totally bitch me out for my CORRECT definition of the Fourth of July are frat boys who 'totally wanted to serve, brah', but were too fat, white, drunk, and stupid to get into THE FUCKING U.S. ARMY!!! That's like applying to a Retard Academy and failing the entrance exam. Have you seen the requirements for active duty? They're a fucking joke! Matter of fact, the only branches of the military which have tough entrance exams are the Marines and the SEALs.

Now you're gonna ask me, "if that's true, why don't you sign up for service". The answer: I'm not stupid. I'm not risking my life so you can make an embarrassment out of yourself on the Fourth. And as for your rantings about how 'troops are defending our liberties by fighting our enemies abroad', I say this...

WAKE THE FUCK UP!

'The Troops' haven't fought 'Our Enemies' since Saddam was captured. Right now, we're babysitting the Iraqis, and quite frankly, are doing poorly. If we were really 'fighting our enemies abroad', we'd be in Korea again, assassinating that crazy fuck Kim Jong Il. Anyone ever wonder why we're ignoring the sociopathic motherfucker with the nuclear weapons who has stated publicly that he's going to attack the U.S.? Yeah, me neither.