Why I Hate The Internet

Why I hate the Internet is the Bigfoot of Internet memes around the compound as of late. That's what I call my blog. The compound. Makes me feel like David Karesh.

I hate the Internet because it is a tool being abused in a most heinous fashion. To illustrate my point, I have made a very nice and above all very expensive graph. However, because I only have one legitimate follower (who will not stop FaceBooking me), I lack the fiduciary flexibility. To put it in terms you losers can understand, I need YOU to tell THEM that YOU love me. Then I will get ENERGY CRYSTALS, which will be used to make my site LOOK BETTER (I put the necessary parts in bold, you guys can skim the rest).

In place of the graph, I have what may as well be an Uncle Spinny-Dervish: a text document.

Here's a list of things the Internet was made for.
1)FREE EXCHANGE OF IDEAS. This is not what you think. Back in the late nineteen-eighties when dinosaurs walked the Earth and fire was as valuable as an iPod Touch, 'Free Exchange of Ideas' did not mean 'the right to dance like a whore in front of a webcam and put it on youtube'. Rather, the exchanging of ideas was meant to be between teachers and students, exchanging research notes and study guides. Imagine, a world full of people using the Internet to learn. What a waste of an existence.
2)CIVILIAN SURVEILLANCE. Ever wondered why early computers were so big? It's because they had spies living in them. Man spies. Even laptops had them (laptops had midgets).

Here's a list of things the Internet is being used for every day.
1)STEALING SONGS.
2)MYSPACE
3)FLAME WARS
4)YOUTUBE
5)STUPID WHITE PEOPLE GOOGLING THEMSELVES
6)POETRY

Dear God... the Internet, my Internet being hacked and raped to shreds... by poets? Fuck that shit in the ass and cover it in bloody diarrhea. I won't take this injustice lying down! It's time we take it back. it's time we ensure that future generations use the Internet as a tool of learning and discovery. And, past 11 P.M., as a tool for pornography. But only past 11. I mean, it seems restrictive, sure, but if you could watch porn at work, wouldn't you? And that's why we have rules.

So, in conclusion: STOP ABUSING THE INTERNET! I'm sick of people looking up their stocks on eTrade, jacking off to videos of dancing sluts that go to school with their daughters, and then Wikipedia-ing themselves to see if someone added them. Really, Mr. Denbrough, why would I add you? Do you think I just add people I know? Do you think I pull that kind of weight with the people at Wikipedia? That I can just waltz on down to Wikipedia's main offices and say, 'cheerio gents, care to add my neighbour to your broadsheets'? No sir. Life doesn't work that way.