Fuck Off, Auto-Tune

Auto-Tune: yet another devious and malevolent creation from the Swedes. Everyone has heard its demonic cry, making even the most talented of singers and performers sound like tone-deaf preteen girls, and thus, everyone knows it must be destroyed. Except for one race of people...

Jews.

Let me start from the beginning. You see, Swedes pride themselves on making great music. Unfortunately, they do not do it very often. Last century, their sole memorable contribution was ABBA, and I'm not sure, but I think one or two of those guys might've been Norwegian.

So, a very evil mensch named Taargus Vun Queefenburg invented a way to make every singer sound exactly the same, because most Swedes are Neo-Nazis, and corporate-mandated homogenized music is just one step towards resurrecting Adolph Hitler; thus spake the wisemen.

At first, only shitty, talentless Swedes and T-Pain used it. Then every rapper tried to use it. Then every shitty singer tried to use it. And then everyone with a MacBook got a hold of it, and shit went crazy, nigga! The beast tasted corporate viability, and it tasted good! It's like when you cut yourself with a kitchen knife accidentally and have your dog lick the blood off. Soon, that dog is biting your crotch at night in an attempt to get more of your sweet, sweet plasma. This is especially true of Vampire dogs.

This corporate viability was especially sought after by the Hook-Nosed Ones. They, with their totalitarian control over every form of media including music and show business, thought the Auto-Tune was a great way to sell recording contracts to talentless white FaceBook whores. They get money, radio gets another annoyingly high-pitched Auto-Tune song, and MTV gets another clap-having jezebel that can look for love amongst forty men selected at random via CraigsList.

Now, one can barely make it through an adult movie without hearing some jackoff wailing away with the Auto-Tune on high. I hate you, Auto-Tune. It wasn't bad enough that you destroyed popular music, but now you take my porn? How am I supposed to concentrate on keeping my erection throughout a two-hour shoot, let alone pretend that the black midget beneath me is the chick from Juno, with you blaring your computerized notes in my ear via XM Satellite Radio? You suck!

I am posting this as a warning to you, Auto-Tune. I am declaring a fatwa on you if you don't back the fuck up and let our rappers rhyme about white women and zanax in peace! I've done this before you know; ever wonder what happened to good ol' Taargus Vun Queefenburg? I had him killed, bitch. My fans are crazy, dude, you don't even know! One word from my sacred lips and every boyfriend-less fat chick with emo hair and their fatter, balder, older brothers will descend upon you like crows on a cornfield! As Wayne Brady once said, brace yourself, fool!