NewsFlash: All Religions Are Exactly The Same!

Dearest Readers, you know me. I am a simple man, a kind man, a miracle worker of sorts, hoping that each leap will be the leap home, much like my brother in arms, Steven Bakula. Quantum Leap references aside, I have noticed lately that a lot of you, my loyal worshippers are putting Gods before me. Uh, yeah, did you even read the contract I sent you all telepathically? C'mon guys, lets keep it clean.

So how do I know you've been cheating on me? The same way Satan knows you've been cheating on your wife: I check your FaceBooks. I was very excited when I noticed a religion filter on Friend Finder, but guess what? Not one of you listed me as your deity of choice. That wouldn't have been so bad if some of you had chosen a silly or humorously blasphemous religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo, but none of you even got that much right.

Anyone with half a brain or male genitals will be able to tell you that all religions are exactly the same except mine. That's how you can tell mine is the one true faith! I don't know how much more obvious I could make this, people. But maybe if I made fun of all of your religious values, then you'd see the light:

CHRISTIANITY/CATHOLICISM: Exactly the same. Jesus died, he came back, he asked you all via e-mail to buy Shroud of Turin bath towels, yadda yadda yadda, you're saved. The truth is, almost every religion has a story like this, except mine. I just ask you to buy the towels.

BUDDHISM: Hey everyone, lets just like, y'know, like lay under this tree, and like, all exist, bro... and gain weight. Sure thing, Pothead Jesus AKA Siddartha Guantanamo, or whoever the hell started this religion. Look blobbo, do whatever you want, just stay away from my worshippers. I don't want you fattening them up with your cannabis-fueled ideology. I hate fatties.... they eat all the bacon.

JUDAISM: They killed Jesus, so extra points for that. However, they refuse to trade Bill Nie. C'mon, man, that's like when the Yankees signed A-Rod to a twenty year contract. Bill Nie's a bird, man, he's got to be free! Until you trade him to my side, Jews, you are all on full notice. Also, I want one of those little hats. Come on! Gimme a free hat, Jews!

SATANISM: You'd think a church devoted to the subversion of Christ would be cool, but in actuality its all pretty...what's the word? Gay. Yeah that's it. Kids, its time to get real: Satan doesn't want to hang out with you. I mean, if there really was an almighty demon overlord, would he really want to hang out in some goth kid's basement playing D&D while listening to Cattle Decapitation? Wake the fuck up.

WICCAN/WITCHCRAFT: Okay, we get it, you're an overweight Emo chick who reads way too much Twilight and spends all of her Mom's money on crystals and tarot cards; you don't need an entire religion to explain how you fritter your insipid, asinine life away. This religion was meant for exactly two kinds of people: the above fat chicks, all dolled up in Naruto gear and some fairy-themed perfume to cover up the fact that they don't wear deodorant, and the equally fat loser guys who wish to bone them. C'mon, dudes, I've done my share of dirty work to get a lady in the sack, but I've never converted. Time to give up the charade, gents.