Hannah was just an average student in, I don't know, some backwoods town in that state full of rednecks. You know, the one with fat, corrupt cops? Yeah, that one. Anyhoo, Amanda was just an ordinary girl, going to high school, wearing glasses, embracing the world of miniature equestrian statuary; just generally doing chick crap. This went on for sixteen years or so, which I'm sure must have felt like ages, until finally she made an actual friend. Wow!
That's where things turn sour.
Turns out Hannah's friend was Emo. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'SHE'S A GIRL, DARSH, ITZ KEWL!!! LOLZ!!!!', to which I say stop thinking in caps. Also, can I finish one goddamn story? I would love to finish just one goddamn story.
Anyway, yes, Hannah's friend turned her into an Emo, and long story short, she hung herself. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Oh, no, wait, it keeps going.
So after Hannah hung herself, her parents discovered her dark and shameful secret obsession with skinny jeans and those stupid wool hats that look like douches. They were shocked! They had no idea that their daughter had an interest in such things! It must have been the Emo music's fault! Why else would their daughter romanticize hanging herself in the poetry she wrote and then posted online for everyone to read and/or report to the police? Emo must be stopped!
Okay, I can't hold in this hategasm anymore. Get two towels, 'cause this one's gonna be big...
Emo must be stopped? You're goddamn right, people. But really? Crappy music about going to the mall and wearing flannel shirts ironically can kill someone? I find that hard to swallow, and to answer your next question, yes, that's what she said.
Look you dolts; the bitch hung herself because she was an idiot. Need proof? Only an idiot would kill her/himself in such a played out and weak fashion. Hanging yourself? Who do you think you are, Emily Dickenson? When I kill myself, I'm going to do it like a man; with a gun. I'm going to steal a shotgun, dress up like Santa Claus, break into a preschool, and shoot myself in front of the first class I find. Man-Power, bitch!
Though it is true that Emo lowers IQs and causes spontaneous fits of crying and poetry, it can hardly be considered fatal, because only cool things can kill you. For instance, shotguns are cool, as are cobras and Chuck Norris. If I could have Chuck Norris shoot me in the face with a special shotgun that shot out cobras, then I would. But I can't. That's something I have to live with. Yeah it hurts, but I'm not going to hang myself over it.
Hannah's parents argue that their daughter was lured into a suicidal cult that worshipped My Chemical Romance (I shit you not, Wikipedia it) by her friend, who drew teddy bears hanging themselves in her art class. This is obvious BS. Who would join such a stupid cult? A cult that worshipped Megadeth, I could see. But My Chemical Romance? What's next, The First Church of Kanye?
Emo is pop music, people; nothing more. It's not harmful to anything except your pride. Am I sorry this girl died? Hell no. Hannah was probably a Nazi, or worse, a Pothead. Should her parents feel guilty? Well, maybe. I mean, you'd have to be blind or extremely neglectful to not notice your daughter joining a friggin' cult, but hey, what do I know about these people? For all I know, her parents were inbred. But just to set the record straight, I do not support Emo music or Emo kids. They overpopulate malls and spread like a cancerous tumors. If I could have them all hanged I would. But let's get real; Emo can't kill. That's what I'm here for. Kisses! :)
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