Greatest Movie Lines Ever

Our nation is in dire straits. Dire Straits, the band, have just lost their recording contract. And also, we have a black guy for a president. But times like these bring out our most intellectual queries. And amongst my people, I'm known as the queriest of folk.

You could waste what little of a life you have wondering what could end world hunger, stop world wars, cease world pestilence, and desist world suffrage. Especially amongst the wimmens. P.S. That's pronounced h-wimmens.

But the most important question of all time would have to be, what are the five greatest movie lines of all time?" These are the best things ever said onscreen by humans. Savor the taste, my children, and suckle at mind-teat.

1 "YOU KILLED MY FAVORITE SECOND COUSIN... BIG MISTAKE." Arnold Schwarzeneggar, The Last Action Hero. This sets up one of movie history's greatest revengeances. So many films today feature vengeance in a prominent role, but revengeances are fairly uncommon. Especially when second cousins are involved. You Hollywood fat cats wanna ignore the thirst for revengeance incited by the loss of a second cousin? Big mistake.

2 "TO BE, OR NOT TO BE... NOT TO BE." Arnold Schwarzeneggar, The Last Action Hero. And thus begins the greatest interpretation of Hamlet ever committed to celluloid. Not only is Hamlet not a total emo bitch in this version, but we finally have an answer to the greatest philosophical paradox ever paradixed. Shakespeare, you denied your audience clarity for nearly two hundred years... big mistake.

3 "YOU WANNA BE A FARMER? HERE'S SOME ACRES." Arnold Scwarzeneggar, The Last Action Hero. This line is legend, because not only are you asked a question designed to rattle your soul, but you're given an answer that is humorous on so many levels. On one hand, you're like, 'hey, thanks guy for the acres and such'. But on the other, you're like, 'ouch, my balls', and on your vestigeal third nipple-arm hand, you're like, 'oh, I get it--acres, achers, you kicked me in the balls... you are one witty bastard'. Thank God the dude didn't answer before Arnold kicked him in the coin purse. What sort of line would we have then?
ARNOLD: You wanna be a farmer.
GUY: Well, actually, no.
ARNOLD: Here's some acres...
GUY: Wait, I said no, this makes no *oof* (kicked in the balls)
Somewhat more realistic, I'll admit, but nowhere near as cool. You wanna favor realism over coolness, Hollywood? Big mistake.

4 "I'LL BE BACK... HA! I BET YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT!" Arnold Schwarzeneggar, The Last Action Hero. Alright, you got us, Arnie! You crafty craftsman, you. The wool has literally been pulled over my eyes. But, like a true friend, you hast removed the wool by speaking the truth. Thus quoth the wisemen. No, sir, I didn't think you were going to say that. The only thing that ruins this line is what the kid says afterward. "You always say that." Bitch, cram a tampon in it. If I was Arnold, I would say this every day. I've been elected as Governor of California. I'll be back. Back to rule you! I've just had sex with Maria Shriver. I'll be back. Back to do you! I've just broken into some asshole's house. I'll be back. Bakc to kill you all! Fear me, for I am Arnold, he who walks in darkness!

5 "DAAAAAAMMNNN!!!" Token Black Guy, She's All That. This is very well the greatest film ever made. She's the man? More like 'it's the greatest'. They were originally going to call this film Ali, in a tribute to it being the greatest. But, like all things, this was ruined by a semi-black man. Curse you, Will Smith. Get back to work on Shark Tale 2, the other greatest movie ever made. C'mon... Jack Black and Robert DeNiro as cartoon sharks? YES!!!