Librarians Are Evil

I hate Autumn. For one, it has way too many names. Autumn, Fall... that's too many. Does this season think it's Prince or something? Stupid fall. Stupid Prince.

Autumn is truly the season of Satan. Nothing brings out the greed monkey like the looming yule banana that is Christmas. But if Christ's Coming isn't enough to make your banana cream, then maybe Thankstaking will. Oh, you've never heard of Thankstaking? Well, we used to celebrate the rape and enslavement of the Native homies of Frau Gaia in a glorious display of gluttony called, 'Thanksgiving'. But then we realized we weren't giving anything. Come to think of it, we aren't really thanking anyone either. Perhaps one day, Thankstaking will be rightfully honored as Hatetaking.

But above all, Autumn brings out the Librarians. Evil, cold-hearted women whose genitals are reminiscent of ice sculptures. Sure, they're cool, like all vaginae. And maybe they're even hot. But stick your wick into that chick and you're dick deep in Sadgasm. What's Sadgasm, you ask? Shut the hell up and let me finish a goddamn story.

Librarians are the tools of Satan. They walk around punishing frivolous children on the grounds of childish frivolity. They make kids cry. I hate it when kids cry. That makes it a lot less funny when I verbally abuse them. Plus, cops are much more suspicious of grown men yelling at crying children than they are of those who berate the dry-eyed ones. I mean, from a distance, it looks like I'm just yelling at a midget. Nothing wrong with that. After all, midgets have no rights.

Autumn makes the Librarian irritable. Here, everyone is talking about how great Christmas and Thankstaking is going to be, how lovely their lives are, and how they don't want to hang themselves in the reference book section, before inviting a friend to coffee at the nearest Dunkin's and leaving without loaning something. Then, they're left in silence, wondering why they chose a career in a business that makes no money at all. Libraries suck, and tacitly, so do the -ians who tend to them.

Well, there they sit, in the silence, drowning in a sea of Sadgasm, when in I walk, a good chunk of chicken on my arm, and I ask to be directed to the periodicals. The librarian tells me they're downstairs. I then ask to see her underpants, knowing they're downstairs as well. One slap in the face later, and I know the sting of a librarian. They are evil incarnate. They set up jokes whose consequences they do not comprehend. We must end the librarian by ending the library. Burn all books.

Ever failed an English course? Ever been ridiculed in class for being none too bright? Ever cried yourself to sleep because you're a forty-two-year-old illiterate? Yes, you have. I knew it, because I rule. I urge you, dummy, to take up your fire hot-hots and burn all wordy evil things. If it has words, destroy it. Starting with... YOUR COMPUTER.