Why Should I Care?

I work at a grocery store. I know, that's like saying I get my ass pounded by a fat black guy named Molly. But I like to think I'm a little bit better than the fat white lumps that stumble through the store and then complain to me about how the store is too big. No, really. Okay fatass, let me just hit the fucking shrink ray. Can I also give you money for a gastric bypass, you lazy cunt?



On an unrelated note, I hate everyone. This is a widely known fact. But I especially hate blubbery white soccer moms with way too much disposable income. Do you jelly-rolls think I'm bagging your shit like a little bitch for fun? No sir! I'm a slave to my wage, and dammit, I'm proud. At least I do something with my life, unlike you motherless bastards.



You retards seem to think you have privileges that you don't. For instance, you don't have the right to talk to me. Didja know dat? And, though I know this goes without saying, you also can't condemn me to Hell for all eternity when I bag you in plastic. Ooh, I'm putting non-biodegradeable shit into Mother Earth's clammy crevice. Who gives a flying fuck? Mother Earth is a toothless old she-john.

They say something like, 'there are oceans out there that are literally filled with plastic bags, and using paper/canvas bags really helps the cause'. Oh, God... I feel a hategasm coming on.

Where do I begin? First of all, no, there aren't oceans full of plastic bags 'out there'. If there were enough plastic bags to fill oceans 'out there', they wouldn't be oceans anymore. They'd be landfills. But then again, 'out there' is a pretty big country. I can imagine how a brainless dolt like you would mix up the landmarks. After all, an ocean and a pile of plastic bags both look exactly alike. Second, neither paper or canvas helps 'the cause', because a) paper kills trees, and b) canvas bags are made by child workers in third world countries. No, really, look it up. Plastic bags save the company millions, which allow them to expand their stores, which allow the stores to hire more staff, which means more jobs for American workers. You use paper or canvas, you destroy the American job market. And finally, help the cause? Really? THE CAUSE? I've got a question for you...

why do I care?

Why do I give two shits about your stupid 'cause'? This is something I ask all people with 'causes'. There's a genocide in Darfur and you ask for my change as I leave a movie theater. Why do I care? Is Darfur in the United States? No? Then why am I giving my money to a kid wearing Birkenstocks and a poncho that smells like doob? Maybe children are being diagnosed with Leukemia the world over. Boo fucking hoo. Adults are diagnosed way more frequently, but because children are sooo cute, they get a spot on Maury Povich before an adult whose actually done the world some good in their lifetime.

Finally, if you really want any of my help at all for your 'cause', stop calling it a cause. There's only one true cause, and that's the IRA. What's the IRA? A fucking terrorist group. Yeah, that's right. 'The Cause' is European slang for the Irish Republican Army, a militia group that burns down orphanages and kills Protestants. Thanks for supporting 'The Cause', you jackoffs.