I'm Too Sexy

Sorry, sweetheart. I'm too sexy for you. I'm so sexy, I'm leaving you for a menage au trois with your younger, more attractive sister, and your older, more experienced mother. I know, kick in the balls, right? Ha! I would love to see the look on your face right now.

So why am I leaving. Typical- every time I leave you for someone much better suited to my needs, you cry and beg and say you'd do anything for love, but you won't do that. Maybe I'm leaving you because you can't stop quoting Meatloaf, how about that? Bitch.

I could rant for hours about how much you suck. And I did, after I was done nailing your mother and sister. But rather than waste everyone's time on what you do to annoy me, here's a list of what you don't do to make my penis smile. It may also come off as a list of funny sex positions, so, hey, two for one.

1) THE GLASS BOTTOM BOAT. This is when I asked if I could put cellophane over your face. You said something stupid, like, 'No, how would I breathe?' Even when I'm writing you, you sound stupid. You also didn't let me finish. I was putting cellophane over your face so I could crap on you. I don't think crapping is all too sexy- I just wanted to be able to say I crapped on someones face. Also, ask this question aloud to whomever you see next, be they your grandmother or a Catholic priest, I don't care: 'Would you care for a Glass Bottom Boat?' I know, hilarious!

2) THE JERSEY SHORE. Very similar to the Glass Bottom Boat, the Jersey Shore was that time I was behind you, doing it and doing it and doing it well, when suddenly I cut a huge wet fart, and also my hand was up my ass, and also I then shoved that hand into your face. Dude, you were so pissed, it was so funny, and I so called you Gerald later by accident. What a crazy Yom Kippur.

3) THE ABRAHAM LINCOLN. Remember that time I shaved my balls? I felt so aquadynamic when I swam for the rest of the week. It was phenomenal. But then remember the first time we did it with my shaved balls? I creamed on your face 'accidentally', and then shoved a hand up my ass. That's when you started chewing me out for creaming on your face. God, it's always about you. 'Why'd you do that to me?', 'get off of me!', blah blah blah. Well you interrupted my funny sex thing, yet again. What you didn't know was that up my ass I hid a bag full of my pubes! I was gonna shower them over you in a very humorous way, but I guess now I;m going to find two other people to Abraham Lincoln.Oh wait, here come your Mother and Sister. Maybe they'll appreciate my pubes and jizz being all over their faces.

4) THE COCK SANDWICH. This isn't really a sex move. This was that time I put my twatsicle into a hotdog bun and gave it to your Grandma. You both acted very immature afterward. I was not amused.

5) THE BLUMPKIN. No matter how hard I tried, you just wouldn't fulfill my ultimate fantasy: the Blumpkin. For the uneducated on the matter, the Blumpkin is when you get a blowjob while you're taking a dump (or leaving one). Therein lies this sex move's beauty: efficiency. Imagine it: you're blowing me, I'm shitting, and I still have two hands available! I could play my Xbox and eat chicken, and also recite poetry while taking a dump and getting blown. I could even keep eating the chicken when I need both hands to play Xbox, because I'd balance the bucket of chicken on your head. Yes! I'm aroused just thinking about how I could better society by spreading word of the Blumpkin. Maybe if I'd had a willing girlfriend, I could've taken notes on all I'd accomplished, then given those notes to the leaders at the G2O summit, which would've ended all wars and brought about a new Golden Age for the human race. Wow, girl. You just fucked over the entire planet. Smooth.