Why People Hate You

The Beatles once sang, 'love makes the world go 'round'. The Beatles were a bunch of drug-addicted scrotum-lickers that liked to gang-bang Asian art dealers. Love does not make the world go 'round, and fuck you for saying 'round instead of around like a normal human being.

In this kingdom, mine, Hatred reigns supreme. Without hatred, how would we know who to stay the hell away from in a crowded movie theatre? I love to hate. In fact, my dream job would be to go around hating on people. You'd be standing there, drooling like a dolt, when suddenly, I'd pop out of nowhere dressed like Sherlock Holmes. Then I'd look at you, wearing your neon pink fishnets and your denim mini skirt and your awful Tokio Hotel shirt, and I'd say, "you look like clown vomit. Dress like someone who isn't colorblind, why don't you?" Then you'd be like, "thanks, now I can better myself."

You, however, are undoubtedly without this precious service. To that end, I've created a handy list of reasons why people hate you. For the sake of convenience, my notes are arranged racially. Please note I'm not a racist. I hate everyone, irrelevant of race, creed, or color. Also, for the sake of my convenience, the gay community is to be treated as its own race.

BLACKS: You guys talk way to loudly in movie theatres. Also, maybe you should try turning off your goddamn cell phones before the fucking movie starts. And also, do not make cat calls about who in the movie is hot, and who is not. And also don't ask the characters what's going on in a given scene; they can't help you. In fact, why don't you stay away from the movies all together? And no, skinny black kid who is way too rich to be 'from the hood', neither Kanye nor Fiddy are the greatest rapper of all time. That honor goes to Chuck D, motherfucker. Oh, you don't know Chuck D? Well Chuck D knows yo mama's ass like a banana knows a peel, so maybe you should Wikipedia him.

WHITES: Whites are clueless, and they all look alike. They are naturally adept at complaining about very petty manners, and go crazy pretty easily. For example, I was talking to my caucasian friend 'Cracker', when she started telling me about what she did over the weekend.
"My mom turned off my internet because I skipped school, so I banged my fists on the wall of her bedroom until three in the morning, then started screaming at her." Wow, that's not crazy at all. Here's a tiny suggestion that might help with your fucking up problems: stop fucking up. You know exactly how you should behave. Do it or suffer the cosequences. And also, white girls, stop acting black. You're not fooling anyone; we know you pulled that thong up over your ass. Guys can read that shit like a book.

ASIANS: You are bar none the most hated race of all. Why? You people can't shut the fuck up. Back in the day, we used to say that about Mexicans. Back in the day being 2006. What the hell happened? We've had a sudden influx of Asiatic immigrants, and not one among them knows how to speak English. If you're going to stand in the middle of an apartment complex parking lot at two a.m. and start drinking an partying, then speak English, goddamnit! Stop excluding us from your party. Our shoe companies give your children work, you ingracious cunts. Speak English or die.

GAYS: I hate fags. I do not hate homosexuals. Can you tell the difference? A homosexual is someone who has sex with someone of their own gender. That's fine, who you fuck is your business. But when you start rollerblading through the park in a pink tank top and short shorts, shaking your ass in my face and singing the lyrics to every fucking Ricky Martin song, you have officially lost all rights and privileges amongst the rest of society. And Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Get off the E channel! I know for a fact that many homosexuals are ashamed to share a sexual orientation with these raging stereotypes. Not, not all homosexuals talk like Big Gay Al from South Park, and not all of them will redecorate your house. But when you deliberately choose to start talking like Rupaul, I'm sorry, but you deserve a hate crime. That was a bit out of line, and I take that back. I'm not sorry at all. You deserve to be victimized, faggot.

JEWS: Bill Nie the Science Guy. 'Nuff said, bitches.

CATHOLICS: All Catholic priests are child molesters.

CHRISTIANS: All Christian pastors are liars. Yes, lying kicks ass, but only when I do it.

MORMONS: You're just crybabies. Call yourself whatever the fuck you want; you're Christians.

METHODISTS: Same.

UNITARIANS: Put down the bong.

MUSLIMS: I LOVE ALL MUSLIM PEOPLE. MUSLIMS ARE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. PLEASE DO NOT BLOW ME UP.

I think that covers everyone. If you still have doubts as to why you are hated, please e-mail me. I'll trace your address, come over, and show you exactly why people hate you. Then I'll screw your daughter, grilfriend, wife, sister, or mother. Or maybe all of the above.