Abortion Is Awesome

Sex is cool . I love showing a chick my huge boner and slamming her ass like a basketball hoop . But you know what kinda sucks about sex ? Kids .

I hate children so very , very much . They think they are so much better than us normal people and that they deserve better treatment . That's bull crap and we all know it , but only I and like , one other dude are actually saying it .

I have a nephew named Alex who is six years old . All he does is bitch , bitch , bitch about how much he hates being a kid . Pretty perceptive for a brainless little mutant , I must say . I mean , if I was six , I'd hate myself too . Anyhoo , he whines at Thanksgiving and Christmas about how he wishes he was treated like an adult and not like a little piece of shit . So last year , after hearing his usual spiel , I grabbed him by the shoulder and elbowed that son-of-a-bitch in the mouth . He falls back crying , screaming 'why'd you do that' over and over . I smiled , stepped on his balls , and said , 'that's how adults are treated when they act like big blubbering vaginas' .

Abortions are awesome . Not only do you get to show off how cool your face looks when you shoot your load , or how great you are at calling a cab , but eight weeks later when the tramp comes sniffin' 'round lookin' fer child see-pote and whatnot , you can have a doctor shove a coat hanger up there and put that little shit on ice .

The only down side I can think of to abortion is that it has somehow become needless spank fodder fro *shudder* Socialists . Some black Presidential candidate (according to some old white guy) wants to put federal funding into clinics that would make women of any means able to abort their wormlings . That's bullshit . I'm not paying extra tax dollars so that Connie Cumdumpster can get knocked up at her fifteenth b-day pawty OMG and then queef out a corpse one trimester later .

Fuck that . I wanna get capitalism back into the game . That's why I'm starting a door-to-door abortion service . I'll drive around in a van that says 'I'll scrape that ass like fat from a fryer' , and pass out pamphlets with a viking on them . There's no funny thing about that ; vikings are just cool .

I figure I just need an apron that has pockets for , like , I dunno , flashlights or trowels or whatever , and a small business loan . So I'm appealing to all the banks in the world . Won't you make the dreams of one man from a small largest city in New Hampshire come true ? I'm good for the money . I mean , this thing ain't free ; I'm chargin' two-hundy a pop for my abortion services . And no , I don't have a medical degree , but who cares ? If these hoes wanna wait for the other door-to-door abortion guy to come , they're more than welcome to .

C'mon Bono , or whoever the hell runs the world bank . Gimme money . Me wantee . You're damning these stupid hatchlings to a life of prostitution and crystal methamphetamines when you could just cut out the middle man and flush them straight to hell . What I'm doing isn't an abomination , it's a mercy kill . Or , more accurately , a mercy vacuum cleaner in the twat .