Yes , Women Are Getting Stupider

Let's play a game . See if you can spot which one doesn't fit .
Maya Angelou
Virginia Woolf
Gertrude Stein
Amy Winehouse

Correct answer ? Maya Angelou . She never got loaded and killed a guy with her car ... yet .

But you also may have spotted Amy Winehouse , who is the only woman on this list under forty , retarded , an alcoholic , and on MTV every fucking second . Let's play another game . See if you can spot the pattern .
Eleanor Roosevelt
Sandra Day O'Connor
Laura Bush
Paris Hilton
The pattern is an obvious one . They arranged in order of age (oldest to youngest) and literacy rate (highest to lowest) . The fact is women are getting stupider . I'm not being a mysoginist here , I'm stating a plain fact . Right now , young women are looking up to Flavor Flav's girlfriend New York and that twiggy bitch from Paramore . Wow , great choice , ladies . And we wonder why standardized test scores are slipping among females in this country .

I've analyzed the data and found a few patterns ; a) role models , and b) birth control . Here are the summaries of each one .

In a 1962 poll of women ages sixten to twenty-one , Time magazine ranked the five most admired women in the world . Amongst them were Mother Theresa and Jacqueline Kennedy , two very respectable women . In 2006 , Time did the same poll again . At the number one spot ?

Lindsay fucking Lohan .

Do you people see the problem ? We need to get ladies away from the televison screen (or at the very least that cess pool known as MTV), and get them into some books . Ever read a book called 'Girl, Interrupted' ? It's written by Susanna Kaysen , and deals with how frequently young women are diagnosed with borderline personalities . Of course , the young women of today will never read this incredible book , because they're too busy reading Twilight . Gay emo vampires making out and delivering monologues before committing suicide ? That sounds ... original .

The other pattern that goes along with the decline of intelligence amongst women is the advent of the pill . The science of birth control has made leaps and bounds in the last fifty years , whereas cognitive abilities have dropped like Monica's airplane . My theory : chemical and hormonal imbalances . Ever read the box on a Nuva ring ? The number of harmful chemicals is mind-boggling . And for something that's supposed to make women's menstrual cycles lighter , there sure are a lot of warnings about spontaneous vaginal bleeding . Wanna know what's unsexy ? A pregnant chick . Even unsexier ? A chick with a bleeding vagina .

So here are my solutions : 1) get MTV off the air ; I can't think of a greater threat to the lost art of reading than Laguna Beach . 2) Require an IQ test before distributing licenses to purchase birth control . There will be no age limitations on these licenses , save for the given state's age of consent . That way , only retards will be given birth control . Women who are 'too smart' will be forced to procreate , thus populating the world with only intelligent babies . I hate babies , but I hate stupid ones even more .

You may be wondering , "what will stop the idiots from procreating as well ?" Boy , you sure ask a lot of stupid questions for a fat chick who reads other people's journals . The answer is Spence Fiffield's patented ugly test . All a guy needs to do to test if a retard lady is worth his penis is compare his woman's face to the ugly chart . Is she as ugly as a she-male ? Ugly as Mo'Nique ? Or ugly as a bucket of rattlesnakes ? All you need to do is hold each chart up to the side of her face . If you can't tell which side is her anymore , you've found your match . And now that you know how ugly your wench is , you will undoubtedly lose your erection and ask her to make you a sandwich . Well done , my good man !