In the realm of gayness , Musicals rank somewhere between two dudes fucking and watching your dad jerk off . I would rather die of dysentery or rubella than watch a musical . I once punched a six-year-old girl in the face for suggesting a musical for the family to watch . It made the rest of Thanksgiving somewhat awkward , but it put that little bitch in her place .
All musicals belong in a deep pit full of child molesters and vampires in the heart of Death Valley . I never want to see a musical advertised on TV again . If I do , I will murder Ted Danson . You may wonder what he has to do with all this . But he knows ...
These are a handful of the worst musicals ever made . I know , it sounds redundant , as all musicals are horrible . But I'm an optimist , and so I have hope that one day we will have a musical without any singing . Until then , beware these shit fests .
THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Wow , just what I needed : Nigel Thornberry's balls in my face . Fromunda cheese aside , this movie blows . I love the old fifties B-horror flicks for two reasons ; a) nobody is a transvestite , and b) nobody is a singing transvestite . If you are ever asked if you would like to watch Tim Curry prance around in women's lingerie seducing men for ninety minutes , just say 'no thanks , I don't like male butts' . If you do like male butts , however , I highly recommend this movie !
SWEENEY TODD. I can just imagine the producers meeting on this one .
D-Bag 1: Y'know what's cool ? Killing people and eating them !
D-Bag 2: Yeah ! And also , dancing !
D-Bag 1: I totally agree ! Let's make a musical about killing people ! It'll be awesome , dude !
D-Bag 2: And afterwards , let's have sex !
Wrong , wrong , wrong . I hate Johnny Depp , and that redheaded bitch , and that guy who played Snape in Harry Potter . I hate them because they raped me of six dollars and two hours of my life . I pray each night that they all get titty and/or dick cancer .
CATS. Ever see two men dancing side-by-side in unitards ? It doesn't feel good . The gayest part about this musical is that not only are men singing , dancing , and dressing up as cats for christ's sake , they're also going out into the audience and shoving their dicks in everyone's faces . I'm sorry , gay boy , but if you wanna roll around with another guy onstage , be my guest . I'll happily excuse myself to the bathroom and throw up for some other reason . Standing on my arm rests and shaking your junk within an inch of my face ? Prepare to die .
RENT. This is the big one . A lot of people (menstruating fourteen-year-olds) think this movie is about friendship and love . Bullshit . It's about homelessness and AIDS . While this is still very much a gay musical , I feel it's actually a step in the right direction for putting morality back in the theatre . The moral of this story ? Pay the rent or get AIDS . Your choice . I'm a good capitalist ; go ahead and check the link for my door-to-door abortion services . Why can't other parts of the gay liberal media be as supportive of the American way of life ? I'm looking at you , Avenue Q . Gay puppets = commies .
SEUSSICAL. Here's a fun idea ; let's all urinate on Theodore Geisel's grave ! No ? Then why not watch this big bowl of gay diarrhea . This is especially offensive , because not only is this one of the most homoerotic spectacles aimed at children since He-Man , but it also pinches off a nice , corn-riddled chocolate dragon on the face of an American genius . Dr. Seuss must be vomiting with rage down in hell .
I would happily list my complaints with all the other ninety-thousand musicals ever written ever , but I have to take a shit , and that usually takes about six to eight hours .
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