My TV Show

MTV needs to get off the fucking airwaves now. Have you seen this new show, The Island? It lacks an actual, what's it called? Oh yeah, a POINT. Apparently, like, twenty people are 'stranded' on an island that has a hotel, hot tub, very comfortable beds, and lots of reasonably attractive people that have the mindsets of four-year-olds. In one of the episodes, this guy Johnny gets in a fight with some butterface named Evelyn, and they literally start screaming, 'mine, mine, mine' and pulling each other's hair. Then, they tearfully look into the camera and talk about how the 'game' is getting to them. What game? You're living in the lap of luxury with people that are at least cock-worthy once they get a few beers in them. And that brings me to the game. I don't know exactly how it works, and no one on the show knows either. It doesn't really come up much; three of them play one little 'elimination' game per episode, then vote off one of the two losers. The rest is muy muy bitching. In the end, they wind up on a boat or something and that's how you win. And also, you need keys.

Yes, MTV has a new reality/island game show hybrid. Yes, this is the same sow they've been making forever. And yes, I know exactly how capitalize on this for my own personal gain.

My TV show is called Asshole Island. Basically, I put a bunch of assholes on an island an tell them that the winner will receive five-hundred-thousand lira. Then, I make them play a game a day, and pad the rest of the episode with blurry nightvision shots of two ugly people humping like rabid dogs.

I know what you're thinking: who would put up with all this shit just to be paid in Turkish money? Do you honestly think the muscle-bound douchebaggy date-rapists that populate MTV's prospective reality star pool know what the fuck a lira is? Never mind the fact that almost two-thirds of this money will be lost to taxes. In the end, the winner walks away with ten grand-ish. Depends on how much further the dollar drops.

Sounds a little generic, I know. But here's where I differ from the rest of the pack. The losers don't get voted off: they're eaten! I'd be doing the world a friggin' service via genocide of the retarded. And by 'retarded', I don't mean Jerry's kids. I mean the kids you see walking around at the mall saying shit like, "Man, my parents are retarded. They grounded me like a retard for staying out past curfew and having drunken, unprotected sex with a transvestite hooker, and I'm a huge retard." Yes, you are. I use the r-bomb as much as anyone, but, dude, stop and ask yourself if you aren't the retard before you make such a bold claim.

I also have a few similar ideas called Sex Offender Island, and Illiterate Ethnics Island. I actually can't talk too much about these, however, as they've been sold to Dateline and WB respectively. Sex Offenders would be sort of a rip off of American Gladiators and To Catch A Predator, as the sex offenders would have to go through an obstacle course to get to the sexy young boy at the end of the line, only to meet that queef who does To Catch A Predator. Illiterate Ethnics would be the only half-hour show where 'oh hell no' and 'hey hey hey' are the only words spoken. Ha ha ha... racism.