Second Life? Try Getting A First One

For the uninitiated, Second Life is perhaps the most addictive game since Pong. You play yourself, living a life that can be whatever you want it to be, in a world where you can go and do anything as long as you have enough money. Sound familiar? That's life, people.

I feel like this game should be played by prisoners in state correctional facilities. Why would anyone willingly play a self-described 'life-simulator' if they still have some semblance of a life to cling to? Y'know what's better than watch two lumps of polygons hump behind a blurred square? Fucking. Trust me on this you stank-breathed virgins.

But I guess the people who play Second Life don't really have a life to speak of. They're the guys who play Yu-Gi-Oh! with kids half their age and still have the balls to do a thoroughly hilarious victory dance when their Rainbow Darkness Dragon stomps Summoned Skull's ass. Quit dancing you punks. Do you understand what you're doing? In life (this one, not the game), you are given a choice : either play card games or be a person that actually matters in the outside world. We all want both, but alas, she is but a dream, sailing on the wings of eternity.

I want to save you all. Put away Second Life, kids. First of all, it's unoriginal. Have you ever played any other PC games? They're all pretty much the same. EverQuest, World of Warcraft, The Sims... it's all the same. Maybe you should pick up an Xbox, dude. Once you frag a twelve-year-old in the back of the head with a rail gun in front of six of the little shit's best friends, you feel invincible.

My other problem with Second Life is that people aren't exploiting it to it's full capabilities. Apparently, some bands and TV shows are suing the game producers for negligence, because people are uploading illegally downloaded songs and images into the game, and then selling them for a profit. Awesome! That sounds like a business venture I could really get behind. The only problem is these people are aiming too low. Just music and TV shows? Why not porn? Porn is the shit. The only thing better than watching porn is selling porn. Let's see; nerds love Second Life, nerds love porn. Say... I've got an idea! It's like the peanut butter in my chocolate thing, except this isn't an allegory for interracial gay sex.

Here's the deal, Second Life. Get off the Interwebs. These are my disciples, not yours, you graphically advanced piece of shit. I want to fight whoever invented this game. Peter Molineux, I'm not sure if this involved you or not, but dammit, you and I are gonna tangle! I am officially calling out Peter Molineux, as well as every man, woman, and child that is related to his production studio, Lion's Head. I will fight you all, drunken boxing style bitches. I;ve literally seen every Jacki Chan movie ever. Think you can take me on? Fear the strike of Spence Fiffield, for soon, on a night as black as Ike Turner, I shall come for you, and there will be no escape!