Fantasy Nerds Suck

You see them everywhere ; short , round , pizza-faced little gnomes who clutter together in the back of the school library and wax idiotic for hours and hours about who would win in a match between Gandalf and Dumbeldore . Then they dissipate , back into the holes they crawled out of , where they start flame wars with each other on shitty message boards populated by literally thousands of retards exactly like them before beating off to a picture of Hermione and passing out in a puddle of slobber .

I hate fantasy nerds so very , very much . I can think of many different groups of people I hate because of their poor decision-making : die-job blondes , Canadians , etc . Fantasy nerds , however , are the only people who seem to be proud of the fact that they are social mongoloids , a cancer for which there is no chemotherapy save death . They walk around with their heads held high , adorning their bumpers with stickers that say , 'Proud Nerd' , or 'Geek Chic' , or 'I Love Frodo In Ways That No Man Should Love A Hobbit' . They are completely ignorant of what exists outside their little shitty microcosm .

In the real world , wearing glasses is enough to infuriate regular people . And you motherfuckers think you can go balls out and wear t-shirts , put up posters and flags , or worse , publish books ? Fuck you ! Get off of my planet , you dice-rolling , Silmarillion-humping , mouth-breathing , glasses-wearing , braces-having , ac- , bac- , and sacne-wielding douchebags .

What needs to be done to correct this problem ? Give the baby it's bottle ; if they want their own fucking world we'll give it to them . How can this be done ? It's an easy , two step process .

STEP 1 : LET ALL NERDS BE EXCOMMUNICATED ! First things first , we find out who'd normal and who's a nerd . This can be discovered through Spence Fiffield's patented Nerd Test . Simply look the subject in the eye and ask them to name five books they've read in the past year . If they say none , shoot them . I have no tolerance for illiterates . If they name any of the banned books , let that one be ostracized for their beliefs !
note : the following books and their respective series are to be blacklisted alongside their readers .
The Lord Of The Rings
The Chronicles of Narnia
Twilight
The Dark Tower
Forgotten Realms
Anything that involves a 'Legend' , or something that belongs to a Dragon .

Also , if the , ahem , 'person' in question answers with a manga or comic book of any kind , they are to be shot on sight alongside the illiterate . Some comics are kick-ass , and even some manga , but dude , they are not books .

STEP 2: 'GIVE IN' TO THEIR DEMANDS ! Somewhere along the line , the nerds will converge and take a stab at sovereignty . We must accomodate them to the farthest extreme we can afford . They ask for a city , we'll give 'em a concentration camp ... I mean , summer camp . They ask for a commune , we'll give 'em a reservation . What we really want is for them to actually ask for something huge , like a state or country . That's when we hit them with the sneak attack . Oh , you want a country ? How about a goddamn planet ?

They should be overjoyed , and will probably celebrate with a good game of Magic : The Gathering . Yeah , go celebrate you fucking losers , while we build a rocket that'll launch you to your new home-world : The fucking sun . We're giving you the best celestial body of them all . The Sun is acting King of Planets until we Earthlings can invent a gun big enough to point at actual planets .

Imagine a world without fantasy nerds . I imagine I'd sleep a lot better , without being kept awake by my mind , ever searching for ways to rid the world of nerds .