I don't know which ivy league Jewess is is the one who prints all those opinion articles in coffeehouse newspapers about how modern movies suck royal dong compared to 'classics' like Gone With The Wind or Valley Of The Dolls . Honestly , new movies and old alike swallow on a regular basis .
It's a common rule of thumb concerning movie aficionados : for every five films that are released worldwide , only one is worth seeing . Now let's say one thousand films are released this year . To this logic , only two hundred are worth seeing all across the globe . Now how many of those films do you think we as Americans watch ? Here's a hint : this year's list won't feature Beverly Hills Chihuahua .
I struggle to think of a decent movie that has come out so far this year , and it's almost November already. Max Payne ? Saw V ? Really ? Batman was pretty good , but Cloverfield ? Jesus H. Christ , that movie had no story at all ! Oh no , an alien is attacking the city ! Good thing I'm a wannabe intellectual hipster who's probably in some shitty band with a name that's an arthouse pun taken from a French film released in 1987 , so I have a camcorder as well as the compulsive need to tape every mundane thing I do with my life . Here's a question : how the fuck did that shitty plastic camcorder and the tape not get crushed by the destroyed overpass or whatever ? Here's a really original idea Hollywood : USE LOGIC !
This is not to say that older movies are better , although I will say that there were a lot less 'Ii am woman , here me roar' films , and a lot less 'I am gay , ain't that cute ?' films . Have you seen Sex & The City ? Dude , when two people on that show were diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time , I thought 'Finally !' . That way , the show could end on a semi-plausible note . Moral of the story ? Whores die of strange diseases . But no , Hollywood's whoring capabilities far outskanks these four sluts . Y'know how the show ended and men everywhere sighed deeply in relief ? Well , let's kick them all in the dick and put out a movie version that ends with the possibility for a sequel . I hate Hollywood .
Remember the original King Kong ? It was like Hollywood had spread their collective cheeks and laid a Cleveland steamer all over America's soul . When I think about great concepts for a movie , I definitely think giant monkey rapist who gets killed by falling off of a damn building . What's worse was the remake . In the original , Kong was supposed to be between ten and twenty feet tall . But in the remake , he's easily four or five stories . What the hell is in the water at Skull Island ? And what was Jack Black doing there ? He should've been hard at work on a sequel to Shark Tale . That was literally the greatest film I've ever seen . Jack Black , Robert De Niro , Will Smith ... you just never see these people humiliate themselves on screen anymore . I mean , Shark Tale was obviously a humorous precursor to the serious social commentary that was Hancock .
But I digress . The worst film ever made has got to be Citizen Kane . Here we have the story of a poor man who works hard and becomes the proud owner of a local newspaper , before accruing wealth via fair business deals , amassing a small fortune , buying out his competitors and dying a lonely death full of regret ? What the fuck ? Why does Hollywood hate capitalism so much ? That's what gets those liberal pigfuckers paid ! Maybe if they put down the Edgar Rice Burroughs and picked up their stock portfolios , they stop crying and start cumming . If I was that rich , no way in fuck would I be donating shit and speaking out against the president . I'd rollin' fly in my souped up Jetta and pickin' up some sweet honeys down at the K-Mart .
My rage has subsided . The time has come to sleep for eight hours , then poop , then sleep some more . Good Night , America . You stay classy .
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