Fuck Naruto

When I think of anime, I think of animated adaptations of my favorite mangas, and they never suck too hard. Then again, I stay as far away from shit-manga as possible. Note: shit-manga is very popular these days. It's that kind of manga that involves a nubile male highschool student who is eighteen and still can't talk to women without fumbling his words in an 'I'm so nerdy I'm cute way' meeting a sexy female robot/vampire/alien princess who teaches him how to love and also saves the world from evil robots/vampires/alien queens.

Naruto is the stupidest anime I've seen in a long time. It really takes the cake in making a mediocre manga just terrible. If you don't know what Naruto is, it's the ongoing saga of a young ninja-in-training who also has some sort of demon living inside him. That sounds, at best, unoriginal. When you take that dreadful source material and turn it into a children's television show that features the most annoying catch phrase since 'hi-ho-diggity' from Catdog, you really ought to get an award. This award should be shaped like a big douche.

My main problem with Naruto is that it lies to our children. It inflates their ego by telling them that even if you suffer from a learning disability (the fox-demon is an allegory for ADHD, in case you're retarded) you can grow up to be a serial killer. That's not appropriate for children. Most children nowadays will never amount to anything, let alone someone as famous as a murderer. It also teaches children lies about ninjas. They don't wear bright orange coats and shout 'BELIEVE IT!' at the top of their lungs every three seconds. If a real ninja did that, all the other ninjas would tie him to an flag pole and take turns sodomizing him with their katanas and chucking shuriken at his asscheeks.

Another problem is that it hogs the spotlight from actually good anime. Ever heard of a show called FLCL? It is literally the greatest anime ever made, because it was funny as hell (and not in the 'ooh I'm a girl who falls down the stairs a lot' kind of humor you find in HiHi PuffyAmiYumi)full of violence and sex, and also only six episodes long. It was short, sweet, and to the point. Damn it, respect that.

Dear Cartoon Network,
Naruto sucks shit out of a fat Goth girl's asshole. I want him to die. Get that little faggot ninja off of my television and play some goddamn new episodes of Xavier: Renegade Angel. You never play that show anymore. I love Xavier, he's the man. He walks around, playing a bong-shaped instrument and teaching people how not to suck. That's my life story, dude.
Love,
Spence Fiffield.
P.S. When does the next season of Tim & Eric hit the DVD shelves? That's another kickass show you never play. Maybe if you spent less time canceling all your awesome shows, like Tom Goes To The Mayor, FLCL, Twelve Ounce Mouse, Sealab 2021, Harvey Birdman, Space Ghost, The Brak Show, and The Oblongs, you'd have to worry less and less about what you can do to fill up your daytime schedule, which was craptacular enough without Naruto. And don't even get me started on the diarrhea-stain that is Bo-BoBo BoBoBo-Bo. Ever notice the similarities between that show and Johnny Bravo? I'm sure it's just a coincidence. I mean, the characters don't even look alike : Bo-BoBo's a tall, tan guy in dark shades with big blonde hair in a blue shirt and black pants, but Johnny Bravo's a tall, tan guy in dark shades with big blonde hair in a black shirt and blue pants. No lawsuit there!