Why do vikings kick so much ass ? Do you ask a man why a fish swims , or why a bird flies ? These things just happen . Vampires just happen to be effeminate waifs , Pirates just happen to spend their entire lives on boats with other men , and Vikings just happen to rock tits .
What sets Vikings apart from the rest of the crowd are their craftsmanship , their spiritual beliefs , and also their beards . Vikings are the only men who can braid their beards and still look cool . One time , Rob Zombie , Gimlee , and the dudes from ZZ Top all braided their beards , and I walked by , and I was like , "who the fuck do you think you are ?"
I guess the most concrete argument one can make from the three I pointed out would be the Viking spirituality . I'm not talking 'ooh , I bought a fifty dollar crystal off of QVC , ain't that special' spirituality . That's for soccer moms and fat Goth chicks who have their heads jammed a good distance up their own asses .
Vikings followed Odin and his crew of buck-wild ballin' muthafuckas . All other Gods , Demi-Gods and *shudder* prophets can suck a fat one ; Odin was the man . Think about it . Literally every other King of the Gods was a pussy . Zeus ? Pussy . Jesus ? Pussy . Quetzacoatl ? A very large feathery pussy . Odin was the exception to the rule .
Odin was the God of all things , like war , beer , blacksmiths , and poetry . You may think poetry was for fags like , y'know , the Greeks , but you'd be wrong . Odin wrote badass poetry , like this :
My balls are so huge
Like a beanbag chair betwixt my
Dinosaur-penis-like legs
It's true ; Odin's sack was the stuff of nightmares . Did you know that in order to gain his high level of badassery he let some old bastard tie him to a tree , beat him like a pinata and then leave him hanging for nine freakin' days ? Then Odin became a God , and he stomped that decrepit fart's black ass like there was no f-ing tomorrow . Ballsy .
Like Odin , Vikings didn't take any shit . They weren't taught 'mercy' , or 'honor' , or 'love' . There was a time to rape and pillage , and then a time to eat and sleep . That was it . They also brought women aboard their boats , unlike pirates who brought condoms .
Vikings were also inventors . Know who discovered the formula for a primitive gunpowder , thus setting the course for cannons , bombs , and all modern warfare ? Vikings , bitch . They knew what time it was .
I see far too many people walking around crackin' wise 'bout Vikings . That's bullshit , man . Vikings are superior to both Pirates and Ninjas , Robots and Zombies , Aliens and Rednecks , Crips and Bloods , Vampires and Werewolves , and all other blank versus blank nerd-fests that populate message boards as of late . No one wants to take on the Vikings . Know why ? Fear .
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