My Tattoos

As I look down at my ink-scarred body , the tales behind each tattoo bring tears of blissful joy to my eyes . You see , my ink is , like , my life , guy . Totally . Each tattoo is like a child . True , I'm a neglectful father , and when I get bored of looking at my current children , I just get a new one at SpiderBite , but that's all beside the point . And I've forgotten what that point is .

Looking at my bared chest , you're probably wondering what Shrek's penis looks like . Well , stop thinking like that you prevert . And yes , that spelling is correct . I am having with the perfect grammar , you like ?

Now that you're no longer fantasizing about a big fat green dude played by *ugh* Mike Myers , you're probably wondering what each tattoo means . Rather than tell you what they mean , here's a pamphlet that addresses all these questions and more . Oh what's that ? You can't read ? Than what the hell good are you , get out of my country .

THE FOUR-LEAF CLOVER . See that clover on my forehead ? That is a tribute to the time I headbutted a leprechaun . I was walking through downtown Hollywood , when all of a sudden , I see a Leprechaun ! Wanting my three wishes , I chased him to Mann's Chinese Theatre , where he was hiding behind some goon in a black suit . After being tased lightly (wuss) , I apologized to the Leprechaun , who's name was Verne Troyer . I then grabbed him and headbutted him . I may have been sexually assaulted in the prison holding cell , but it was worth it !

THE FLAMING SKULL . This is a tribute to my fallen homies . And not because they are fallen . But because they were denied their final wish : to be re-animated as scary flaming skeletons . I carry that burden with me always , in tattoo form . But it's not all bad . The tattoo guy gave the skull a smile , so it's like they're happy .

THE SEXY NURSE . This is a tribute to Chicago sportscaster Harry Carey , perhaps the greatest human ever to walk the Earth . After he died , I cried and cried and cried . This was especially awkward , considering I was having sex with a hooker at the time . But the bus-stop skank beneath me gave me the perfect idea for a tribute to our departed king , Harry Carey : Sexy Nurse ! True , the nurse is Asian , and the hooker was black , and also less of a nurse and more of a hooker , but no matter how you cut the cake , the icing is vanilla . And Harry Carey loves vanilla icing .

PIKACHU . I was drunk . Like , kinda gay drunk .

THE SMILING FACE AROUND MY CROTCH . One day , I stepped out of the shower and looked down at my genitals . They seemed so plain . They were just kinda , y'know , there . They needed to be more festive . So I drew a big happy smiling clown on a piece of tracing paper and cut out it's tongue . I then placed this drawing over by lower abdomen with my penis and balls hanging out through the hole in the mouth . Holy Crap , I screamed . That's so cool ! I immediately ran down to the tattoo parlor and got the tattoo . They didn't even mind that I was naked .

THE BULLSEYE AROUND MY ANUS . Okay , I was really gay drunk . Like , I was so gay I could've redesigned your house .