Halloween kicks ass. I love dressing up as a a terrifying, nightmarish ghoul and ruining everyone's good time by getting drunk and arrested, usually in that order. And as I'm gently rocked to sleep in my inmate's arms, I love reflecting on the past day, and enjoying soem poetry before a fortnight. Here's a poem I wrote commemorating Halloween 2006.
Children dressed like Spider-Man
Follow Mom, who has a nice can
I scare off the little shits with a knife I keep handy
And make out with a MILF, then steal all your candy
The key to a successful Halloween is in the costume. I am a genius, and as such, have a responsibility to share with you all my awesome costume ideas. Here's a few that are especially fiendish.
BORING ADULT: Buy a gray flannel suit and hat, then walk around like a zombie in a daze. It may not scare any kids, until you tell them you're really them, ten years into the future. Again, probably won't scare anyone, but here comes the kicker: you carry around a gun, and hold up kids for their candy. That way, you make them feel like in the future, they'll be cool. Falso hope is awesome. Nothing makes me laugh harder than when a child is denied all he ever wished for.
STEPHEN KING: I know what you're thinking: I already told you about the boring adult costume. Well this one's slightly different. You go as a fat, balding, and downright fugly writer of semi-entertaining fiction who spends whole chapters on uncomfortable sex scenes, then read these aloud! This will surely terrify both children and adults. Nothing takes the sexy out of a book like knowing what the writer looks like. Note: there isn't a single hump-worthy writer in the world except J.K. Rowling and, depending on how drunk you are, Maya Angelou.
MICHAEL JACKSON: This one will truly inspire fear in the hearts of tiny, dirty, little fat nubletts. Nobody likes anal rape. It's very dry and uncomfortable for everyone involved. It also inspires very awkward social fauxpas amongst it's victims. You'll just be sitting there, going through her underwear drawer, when suddenly, "I was sexually assaulted on Halloween by a guy dressed as Michael Jackson." Wow, bitch. Really? I've been sitting here for literally hours while you cover your stanky ass with all kinds of smelly perfumes and putting on an elaborately slutty costume, and all you can do is rag me out for my costume choice? Screw you. Rape is hilariously terrifying, and terrifyingly hilarious. And if by strapping a child-sized dummy to my crotch and moonwalking on your front lawn, I inspire terror? So be it.
PENIS MONSTER: If you've never seen small children running away screaming from a man ina giant penis costume, I pity you. It's beautiful. What's even more beautiful is being the guy in the penis suit. God Bless America
My life's golorious emission is to destroy everyone's childhood. If you need any help, call me. I'll spread my emission all over your child. They'll know what pain tastes like when they swallow some of my medicine. There's no escaping me, once I get in your hair. But some people think fear is good for your skin, so I guess I'm doing a solid on you.
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