Why I Hate The Internet

Why I hate the Internet is the Bigfoot of Internet memes around the compound as of late. That's what I call my blog. The compound. Makes me feel like David Karesh.

I hate the Internet because it is a tool being abused in a most heinous fashion. To illustrate my point, I have made a very nice and above all very expensive graph. However, because I only have one legitimate follower (who will not stop FaceBooking me), I lack the fiduciary flexibility. To put it in terms you losers can understand, I need YOU to tell THEM that YOU love me. Then I will get ENERGY CRYSTALS, which will be used to make my site LOOK BETTER (I put the necessary parts in bold, you guys can skim the rest).

In place of the graph, I have what may as well be an Uncle Spinny-Dervish: a text document.

Here's a list of things the Internet was made for.
1)FREE EXCHANGE OF IDEAS. This is not what you think. Back in the late nineteen-eighties when dinosaurs walked the Earth and fire was as valuable as an iPod Touch, 'Free Exchange of Ideas' did not mean 'the right to dance like a whore in front of a webcam and put it on youtube'. Rather, the exchanging of ideas was meant to be between teachers and students, exchanging research notes and study guides. Imagine, a world full of people using the Internet to learn. What a waste of an existence.
2)CIVILIAN SURVEILLANCE. Ever wondered why early computers were so big? It's because they had spies living in them. Man spies. Even laptops had them (laptops had midgets).

Here's a list of things the Internet is being used for every day.
1)STEALING SONGS.
2)MYSPACE
3)FLAME WARS
4)YOUTUBE
5)STUPID WHITE PEOPLE GOOGLING THEMSELVES
6)POETRY

Dear God... the Internet, my Internet being hacked and raped to shreds... by poets? Fuck that shit in the ass and cover it in bloody diarrhea. I won't take this injustice lying down! It's time we take it back. it's time we ensure that future generations use the Internet as a tool of learning and discovery. And, past 11 P.M., as a tool for pornography. But only past 11. I mean, it seems restrictive, sure, but if you could watch porn at work, wouldn't you? And that's why we have rules.

So, in conclusion: STOP ABUSING THE INTERNET! I'm sick of people looking up their stocks on eTrade, jacking off to videos of dancing sluts that go to school with their daughters, and then Wikipedia-ing themselves to see if someone added them. Really, Mr. Denbrough, why would I add you? Do you think I just add people I know? Do you think I pull that kind of weight with the people at Wikipedia? That I can just waltz on down to Wikipedia's main offices and say, 'cheerio gents, care to add my neighbour to your broadsheets'? No sir. Life doesn't work that way.

quickie: facebook

Dearest worshippers,

A lot of you have been riding my ass since day one to open up a FaceBook, or MySpace, or Twitter, or whatever the hell the kids are doing between bouts of sex and cocaine these days. In any case, your dreams have been answered. Ladies and gentlemen... well, okay, just gentlemen, I now have a social networking site profile.

It took a long time for me to come to my decision about which site would host my profile. I mean, they're all pretty much the same, it's just a matter of which brand name I like the best. Some of you said MySpace, and I said no way, because MySpace is the hunting ground for child molesters and rapists. I don't want to be associated with those Arabs, so I'm definitely going elsewhere with profile. A lot of you also said VampireFreak... Really? You don't know me at all, do you?

In the end it came down to FaceBook and J-Date... and I would've gone with J-Date if the Jews weren't so terribly unattractive. No, from now on, I, Spence Fiffield will be trackable on FaceBook. You can see all sorts of pictures of me, and my friends, and all that... stuff. Yeah, I know, FaceBook is lame. But until 'da man' approves my social networking site, 'VadgeBook', it will have to suffice.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1798822527&ref=name
Also, have you checked out http://yugiohcardmaker.net/? You can make pornographic children's playing cards! That appeals to the depraved molester in us all! hey, maybe I do belong on MySpace...

quickie: college

Good news, my loyal readers! I'm off to visit a foreign land; a land populated by big-breasted alcoholics and muscular Dave Matthews fans. This land is known as "the place where integrity goes to die", and "keg city, USA". It is a majestic land full of paddling, either woman on man, or much more likely, man on man. It is a land which many desire to one day see, and which many suffer and toil for, only to be told they aren't ethnic enough. Luckily for me, my father was an illegal, so, hey, free College!

Oh yeah, that's what i was talking about before. The land is College. Kind of a stretched out pun, and I'm sure you saw it coming, but I thought, what the fuck, I'm going to college.

I know what some of you are thinking; it's only June! Why are we worrying about you now, oh sacred leader? The answer is simple, fatty; September comes soon enough, and I've got a lot of work ahead of me before I can settle into my new home. To quote my father on my sixth birthday, I might not have enough time to love you anymore. Then he walked out the door, his sweaty hand cradled by the smooth, manicured fingers of the mail man. I'd never seen him smile so big before...

Anyhoo, that's the long and the short of it, and the reason why I haven't posted for real in a while. Hey, I gotta get weed connections, and because I don't believe in MySpace, I'm doin' it the ol' fashioned way. I'll pop in every now and again, and I'm sure during college I'll find some extra funny things to say about white women, but for now, we'll have to get used to seeing other people.

Kisses and toodles,
Spence Fiffield, AKA Darsh

P.S. I know I threw a sponsorship towards that white chick, http://www.fockenspock.blogspot.com, in my 'Blogs I'm Following' section (she's a friend, I guess), but lately she's been a huge wang. Everyone hate mail her! Her weaknesses are:
1)A really bad stutter (she's convinced it's 'cute', when it's about as cute as a root canal)
2)A huge schnoz (you ever see Groucho Marx?)
3)She's a Catholic (everyone mock her for her practice of religious freedom!)