If you have no clue what DKR is, shoot yourself right now. With all the trailers and reviews flying around everywhere (trailers and reviews do that, right?), it's getting more hype than the Cuban Missile Crisis. Now I'm sure Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan don't need anymore pressure to succeed, what with the millions of pizza-faced twenty-eight-year-old virgins masturbating furiously in anticipation of the expected finale to the Bale/Nolan Batman trilogy, but just for S's and G's, I'm going to add one more straw to the camel's back.
IF 'DARK KNIGHT RISES' ISN'T PERFECT, I WILL RAPE EVERYONE.
And I'll look like this when I do it.
That's right, now everyone's ass is literally on the line. That line being my dick, btdubs. I don't mean to sound sexually aggressive here, but I know I'm not the only one feeling the strain. This summer sucks dick. Black dude dick. To ascribe humanity to it, this summer is that twelve-year-old R. Kelly pissed on. Absolutely nothing has gone right so far this summer, and really, only three things have happened so far.
1) THE NEW TURBONEGRO ALBUM IS TERRIBLE. As a lifelong Turbojugend, when Hank von Helvete left the band last year, I was crushed. I was so depressed, I took up the acoustic guitar and poetry in an attempt to console myself. In fact, if you youtube "fat guy acoustic guitar crying", a video of me crying and singing about how much I miss Hank von Helvete comes up. But this past May, I read on Turbonegro's website that they'd found a new singer and were pushing forward with a new album. Good news, right? Wrong. The new album is a fucking piss-stain, and so is the new singer. Take a listen to Helvete's mellifluous crooning:
Now listen to Newguy Shitballs' voice:
He sounds like Billy Connolly. 'Nuff said. Goodbye, Turbonegro. All good things must come to an end. Except Megadeth. If Megadeth ever comes to an end, I will rape everybody.
2) NEW SPIDER-MAN IS WORSE THAN SPIDER-MAN 3. Spider-Man 3 was a piece of shit if ever there was one. Venom was barely in it at all, the new Green Goblin looked laughable, there was dancing, everything was terrible. When I heard they were rebooting the series, I wondered how the hell they could fuck it up further. I was a fool to doubt the ever-capable shit-mongrels in Hollywood. Behold.
Fear, motherfuckers.
Spider-Man is a fucking hipster now. He skateboards, wears skinny jeans and shirts with holes in the sleeves designed specifically for his thumbs, and pops his collar like it was Tupac Shakur. He's also totally into photography, and is probably majoring in it at either RISD or SUNY. And those glasses. I hit people with my car for wearing those fucking things. Hey assfuck, you're not Harry Potter or the dude from Weezer. Lose the frames.
And honestly, I could probably look past these enormous problems if the movie wasn't the aural and visual equivalent of a public castration. In previous iterations, Peter Parker was a mild mannered science nerd with a case of the chubs for redheads who gets shitstomped at school, loses his uncle to a Guy Fieri lookalike, then murders Willem DaFoe. The odds are stacked against him at every turn, and our protagonist learns that vengeance solves nothing. In fact, all three films revolve around this theme, especially the third one (albeit the third film has less of a 'vengeance' feel and more of a 'jazz number' vibe). This one? Fuck it, jabroni. New Pete gets bullied once by Flash Thompson and then proceeds to humiliate and torture that skinhead prick three fucking times. Now that last link isn't actually from the movie, but none of the actual revenge goes punished. Pete gets a lecture from his Uncle. That's it. Pete gets away with everything in this movie. He's a typical 2012 art school hipster twat; having no problems in life whatsoever and yet still finding reason to feel moody and cuntish, going so far as to turn an argument about picking up his elderly aunt from work into a rant against his dead father. With great power comes great PMS.
U mad, bro?
3) NEW TOTAL RECALL SANS ARNIE. I love Total Recall. It's a perfect blend of action, comedy, science fiction, and over the top brutal, bloody violence. It may well be the perfect Arnie film. And when I heard about the reboot coming out later this year, I creamed my jeans with excitement. Oh happy day, I cried, Arnie hath returned! I thought my prayers were answered. And they were. By Satan. Because not only does the new TR not feature Arnie at all, but his replacement is this guy.
Fear, motherfuckers.
No, that isn't the gay kid from Degrassi. That's Colin Farrell, King of Dipshitopolis. He is the opposite of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Just look at that fucking face and tell me you don't want to put out a cigar in his eye. This face screams out, 'why yes, I do own every Circa Survive record... ladies'. He looks like an extra from Skins. I want him to die of AIDS.
I hope to see you at the theatre come the 20th, kids. And if the film looks like it's gonna suck, head for the door a little early to avoid the rape.
Don't drop the soap!
