Windows 7: Great Systems Op, or Greatest Systems Op?

Life has become increasingly complex in the overwhelming sea of information. I stole that from a naked chick robot on Adult Swim. Though 'twas plagiarized from an overrated anime, I feel this sentiment rings true. Technology, in its attempts to simplify our existence, has made things much more complicated over the years. Once, I could just walk out the door with a CD player or maybe some tapes, and that would give me something to listen to during school, or work, or sex. Nowadays, if I leave the house with anything short of a talking iTouch that looks like a Furby, the Japanese kids call me Stinky and shave my head. Technology sucks. Why can't an ancient dinosaur of a software conglomerate create a program that will make my life easier?

Well, my children... they have. At long last, WINDOWS 7!!!!!

I'll allow you to go get a tissue to wipe the jizz out of the front of your pants.

Back? Okay then. Let me tell you why Windows 7 will replace your precious God as Number 1 on your 'List of Things I'd Sacrifice A Human For'.

Windows 7 is made to simplify things. How, you ask? Nevermind that, stupid, your computer is made easier! Remember when you had to look for the icon that said 'printer' under it every time you wanted to print something? I sure do; head aches and eye cancer come to mind. But with Windows 7, you don't have to read at all! Just look for the picture of a printer. That's right, Windows 7 has made illiteracy totally acceptable.

The biggest selling point Windows 7 makes is that with it, you can do two things at once. Well, actually, you can only do one thing at a time, but you can look at them both at the same time. Also, the windows are both reduced considerably in size. Anyhoo, I feel this is actually a great innovation in the world of computers, a tool with which we can-- oh, I'm sorry, I have just been told that this is called 'dragging and dropping', and has existed forever. But there are tons of other reasons to upgrade to Windows 7, like... well, I mean... okay, if you just... moving right along.

Okay, I know I'm not making a convincing argument, but just look at the price point. A fresh Windows 7 disc is yours for the low, low price of... holy shit, $199.95? Fuck that. Letter grade: G. That's a whole letter below F. Also, think of all the crappy words that start with G. Gay, glitter, gypped... and others. Fuck you, Windows 7!

Man Card REVOKED!!

There are many things that make a man. A penis, testicles... well, those are the only two that come (heh heh) to mind right now. But trust me, there's at least twelve. And for every one thing that makes a man, there are about seventy that can unmake a man. As such, manhood is fragile. Not as fragile as, like, glass or a hymen, but it's pretty up there. One wrong step and BOOM!! Man card revoked.

Rather than waste my precious time and your worthless time by explaining when(anytime) or where(anyplace) a man card can be revoked, I'll do the world a favor by giving a few basic guidelines to help you keep your hands on your manhood.

1)NO SKINNY JEANS. This is a big one. It seems to me that every time I go to the mall some fat little puke-nose who looks like Pugsley from The Addams Family is rocking the skinny jeans. Listen, my children; you can't squeeze a size forty ass into size twenty-eight pants. Not only do skinny jeans make you look like a tool, they also crush your genitals with their malevolent tightness. A once proud wang can be reduced to a shriveled pair of grapes and a dead worm with just one pair of skinny jeans. Normal size pants do not restrict the crotch in such a manner; do the math.

2)NO HARDCORE DANCING. You're at a metal show, letting the bass destroy your spine and just generally getting your brain-balls busted, when who should show up to ruin everything but the hardcore dancers. These are the half-retarded white kids who feel a crowded room is the perfect place to take one's shirt off and start throwing punches at the air for no apparent reason. A real man does one of two things at a metal show: either shred or drink. Make your choice and goddamn it stick with it.

3) IN FACT NO DANCING WHATSOEVER. Dancing is for women. Let them dance. A real man dances by standing still, drinking beer, and scowling. Ladies love it.

4)NO TECHNO. Techno, like skinny jeans, not only attacks the spiritual manhood, but the physical manhood as well. My penis, for example, will retreat into my scrotum at the sound of techno music. For the sake of your future children and your manly honor, listen to real music. Might I suggest metal, the manliest music of all?

5)NO CRYING. Stop being a little schoolgirl whore and dry your eyes. Anytime someone, man, woman, or otherwise makes you want to cry, headbutt them in the spleen like a shaolin monk. That's the only way man expresses his emotions. Even joy is an emotion best kept in check. I only smile when I hurt someone. That time I headbutted a guy in the spleen because he made me want to cry, I laughed my ass off!

Just think what a better place the world would be if the men in power completely outlawed techno and skinny jeans, ordered hardcore dancers to be shot on sight, and sorted their problems with a one-on-one death match. I see a future where rainbows fly high, and are shot with machine guns because they are so gay; a world where having a dog means owning a timber wolf for a pet, and owning a cat means owning a dog. This is the world I pray future generations will see. Pray with me, children... pray.

Fuck You, iTunes

Let me give you guys a scenario of what my life is like:

I'm on the phone with iTunes support because I purchased a defective gift card. I scratched the little silver strip off with a penny, and the ink from the numbers rubbed off on the penny, meaning I paid fifteen dollars for a piece of shitty plastic covered in water-based ink. Of course, without the numbers it is useless, so i decided to call iTunes Support to see if they would rectify the problem.

iTunes Bitch: iTunes Support, how may I help you?

Me: I bought a defective gift card and I wanted to know how I would be reimbursed.

iTunes Bitch: What is defective about the card?

Me: The ink from the numbers rubbed off on the coin I used to get the little silver thing off the card.

iTunes Bitch: Well, you must've scratched too hard. That's not our problem.

Me: Well, it is, because your company used a shitty ink that rubs off on a goddamn penny.

iTunes Bitch: The quality of the ink isn't our problem.

Me: Also, your company lacks the hindsight to allow users to just pay cash directly for gift cards online, which would save people the trouble of buying your stupid, poorly made gift cards.

iTunes Bitch: Excuse me?

Me: If I could have just paid for iTunes credit with my debit card online and have the money sent directly to my account don't you think I would have?

iTunes Bitch: Yes.

Me: So why don't you allow people to do that?

iTunes Bitch: I don't know.

Me: Probably because your company is run by Jews.

iTunes Bitch:.......

This is why I think all business should defer to me on all questions related to whether or not a product is back-asswards in design. I do not blame the corporations themselves, because Business Majors are all idiots; I do feel, however, that a lot of these problems could be solved with a little thing I call...

COMMON FUCKING SENSE

Hey, here's a great idea. Let's build factories in third-world countries that will stamp out our iTunes Gift cards. To save money, we'll use crappy components and we won't train our employees. That's such a great idea, I'm about to cum!

Fuck you, iTunes. It's time to pull Steve Jobs' bald, four-eyed head out of his pristine, golden rectum and make a product worth selling. Sometimes, it's not all about money. Sometimes.

Your Children Are Ugly

Dear FaceBook,

Thanks for helping me spread my message! Keep up the good work.

Love (not really, because feelings are gay), Darsh

P.S. Okay, we really need to talk about the idiots you allow on your otherwise fine social networking site. I've noticed these people share more than a few common traits, so a screening program should be easily designed. These traits are:

-vaginas

-problems

-ugly fucking kids

None of these three is appropriate for posting on FaceBook. I know, vaginas sounds actually pretty nice, but dude, have you seen Facebook whores? Looked 'em right in the whispering eye, I did. They make Madonna look like Laura Bush.

The worst of these offenses would be those horrible, horrible pictures of kids that get posted every freakin' half hour, usually from some dipshit's cell phone. Okay, we get it; you've ruined your life. Was letting the gigolo your sorority sister's bought you go without a condom really worth it? Congratulations, your son is black. Have fun explaining that to Grandma.

I mean, it's bad enough that you sluts keep shoving these obese blobs of drooling and shitting flesh into our faces, but could you at least blur out the ugly ones? God forbid I ever curse my future wife, The Chick From Juno, with the horrible junk-stretching burden of childbirth, but if my kids were as ugly as yours, I'd have the decency to put them to sleep. Get a dog instead; dogs are great, and won't turn your wife's crotch into a cross between Ground Zero and scrambled eggs.

P.P.S. Could I have the phone numbers of a few FaceBook whores? I need a prom date. Thanks :)