Everyone loves boobs. They are awesome, and are usually close in proximity to vaginas, which are also awesome. That said, only one thing in the world is sexier than boobs, and that is ninjas killing each other.
As a lover of boobs and Mortal Kombat, I found myself full of confused emotions this past Tuesday, when the new Mortal Kombat came out. I was like, this is great, but I like boobs more.
WRONG.
Gentlemen, a new era has dawned, and ladies, I give you my deepest sympathies. Mortal Kombat 9 is the sexiest thing since sex.
Let me give you, my loyal follower, a brief summation of the features that both boobs and Mortal Kombat share.
1. Greatness
Let me now explain in greater detail the differences between these two wonderful gifts from the heavenly father, Corey Haim.
1. GRAPHICS. The visuals in the new MK are great. Any fan can appreciate this return to the 2D point-of-view that made the original Mortal Kombat and it's progenitors so cool. Boobs also look quite cool, but can obscure your vision if you get them too close to your face while you try to play.
MK-1, Boobs-0
2. GAMEPLAY. As a lifelong MK fan, I've seen the controls of the franchise go from shitty (MK1-4) to decent (Deadly Alliance-Armageddon) to great (this thing). Finding a perfect balance between the frenetic gameplay of the past and the tactical aspect of the recent titles was the smartest approach possible, and makes for a wonderful gameplay experience. Fatalities are slightly more difficult than they were in the past, but once you finally see Kung Lao use his razor hat to castrate some dumb jagwagon for the first time, you are rewarded not just with gratuitous violence, but also with pride. When I play with boobs, however, all I'm rewarded with is an erection. That's great and all, but I get those whenever I go to sleep, too. I don't get fatalities when I go to sleep, because years of playing video games has destroyed my ability to dream.
MK-2, Boobs-0
3. SOUND. This one is kind of difficult. MK has that nice retro-eighties-keyboard rock sound that's so cool these days. Problem is, every game nowadays has that. You ever get sick of this whole retro renaissance thing we've got going? I mean, I miss Castlevania 2 as much as anyone, but I also like how Rock Band 3 looks like it was made in 2010. This return to the past is getting kind of old, and I once spent two weeks in the summer of 1983. What a year to be alive! But boobs actually sound kinda cool. Like when you put a shell up to your ear and hear the ocean. If the developers had put microphones up to some chick's tits and used that as the soundtrack, this game would probably erase man's evolutionary desire to have sex. Alas...
MK-2, Boobs-1
4. SMELL. Boobs smell really good, but they could smell better. I've always wondered why women don't use bacon-scented perfume on their boobs. That might just make this a dead draw. The disc MK comes on also smells quite nice, like the inside of an EB Games, but it could smell nicer. Like bacon, for instance. I'll give 'em both a point for trying.
MK-3, Boobs-2
So what have we learned, kids? Boobs put up a hell of a fight, and still remain on my top eight list of Best Things Ever, but MK had it in the bag from the very beginning. No videogame will ever be able to replace boobs, but no boobs will ever be able to replace the sound of a robot ripping the limbs off of a blue ninja.
