-adj
causing wonder or astonishment.
I hear it everyday, and when I do, my bones shiver and quake with the swell of my hategasm: the word amazing. No word could better describe the feeling that builds in my stomach when I scream at a child, or slap a woman, and yet, no word today is so misused. My heart-spirit is torn at this; do I unleash my rage in the usual way, commanding my computer to type out a few exculpatory paragraphs, expanding your mind and assuaging my fury, or do I weep silently, knowing the world may never again appreciate the word amazing? I think I'll go with the commanding one, because I just returned from my vocal lesson, during which I made my vocal coach cry with my vocal prowess (and comments on his ballooning weight).
Glen Beck isn't my vocal coach; I just fucking hate Glen Beck
Here's a short list of things that are amazing:
-Arnold Schwarzenegger
-Skyrim
-Taquitos
-Breakdancing
-Spider-Man
Spider-Man is, by the very definition of his being, amazing. He's a man who swings around New York on strands of web, beats up mutants/criminals/bullies, and climbs skyscrapers his bare hands. That's an average day for Spidey. He's amazing.
Fuck yeah
Now here's a list of things I hear idiots call amazing:
-CHILDBIRTH. Getting pregnant is not amazing. If you have unprotected sex, you should expect a pregnancy. That's what's supposed to happen. Unless your baby roundhouse kicked its way out of your polluted womb, did a backflip over the birthing table, then grabbed a guitar and started playing Hot For Teacher, your uterus turd is not amazing. Disqualified.
-WOMEN. No, women are not amazing. I hate it when people ascribe amazement to something as mundane as a woman. Why? What exactly makes your whore amazing? Is it her ability to nag constantly, or her sex' lack of contributions to any facet of modern society? Honestly. Name one thing women have given to the world. Can't think of any? Here's one: soccer. Fuck soccer. Also, why is every woman considered 'amazing' nowadays a fat fucking pig?
-LIFE. You know who had an amazing life? No one ever (except me, and only then because I declared it so). This one you hear less often, and usually only at christian band camps. Yeah, that sounds like an amazing time to me. Getting braces, abstaining from sex, and playing trombone in ninety degree heat, all while revering a dead Jew as your god. Wheeeee.
-BEING YOURSELF. I hate you, and so does everyone you know. Why would just being yourself be amazing? It involves the least amount of effort possible, and places the blame for all your personality faults on everyone else. If everyone says you're a retarded piece of shit, it's their own fault for not appreciating you, right? Fucking wrong, bitch. You hear this lie fed to kids all the time, usually by women, and usually to little girls. "Just be yourself! It's the best thing you can be!" False. The best thing you can be is Dave Mustaine.
Being amazing is my business... and business is good!
By reading this, you pledge a silent oath to never misuse the word amazing ever again. I will be watching, kids. Stay golden.
