My Grammy Picks

The Grammies are a sacred American institution, like burritos, Chevy Chase, and lying. Tomorrow night all of the A-List's movers and shakers will gather and knob each others' hobs as they cavort and speak of their favorite songs of the year. Unfortunately, I have yet to receive my invitation, which is odd because it's like tomorrow, so you'd think I'd have mine by now. I even called the Grammies and asked to speak to someone in management about my grievance. They transferred me to some idiot named Paco, and I don't even think he could speak English! I screamed at him, I threatened him, and he just kept on jabbering in some crazy Spanish or whatever. I hope whoever is in charge fired you, Paco. You can watch my tight, slender ass walk up the red carpet from Skid Row, you jackass.

Anyhoo, around the compound my worshippers have been starting 'Grammy Pools', betting money on who they think will win a given award tomorrow night. I, as a proud supporter of Capitalism, openly welcome gambling in my institution, as long as I receive 35% of the gross, I have no problems with people betting on the rest. But why take 35% when you can get 100% just as easily? With that in mind, I share with you my picks for the 2010 Grammy Awards, brought to you by Compaq.

Compaq: We're dead in the water, Steve Jobs.

1) BEST POP INSTRUMENTAL PERFORMANCE. I had no idea this category actually existed. From the title, I can gather that these are basically radio songs without the vocals. So, Lady GaGa with the second most annoying part removed? Gotcha. The nominees are Herb Alpert, Bela Fleck, Imogean Heap, Marcus Miller, and "Maxwell". I'm putting my money on MAXWELL, because his name is so strong and sturdy. Maxwell... It's also pretty mysterious. Who is Maxwell? Where did he come from? Also, what does his music sound like?

2) BEST DANCE RECORDING. Little known fact: I'm a classically trained dancer. I even danced in the Bolshoi Ballet until they discovered I had a penis. So needless to say, I was quite disappointed when I discovered none of these songs are anything at all like what we danced to back in the Motherland. In my day, we did the Nutcracker Suite all the way through eighteen times before noon, and that was just for a cigarette break (cigarettes being the only thing dancers can eat without gaining weight). The nominees are Black Eyed Peas, David Guetta & Kelly Rowland, Lady GaGa, Madonna, and Britney Spears. I'm betting it all on DAVID GUETTA & KELLY ROWLAND, because all the other artists have had at least one sex change operation. Black Eyed Peas have had three between them all; try and guess which members used to have penises!

3) BEST METAL PERFORMANCE. Now here's an award I can get behind. The Grammies are notorious for their lack of intellect about the world of metal. Luckily, I've personally seen to it that the best band won by bribing one of the vote counters into letting me stuff the ballot boxes. The nominees are Judas Priest, Lamb of God, Megadeth, Ministry, and Slayer. I'd bet on MEGADETH if I were you... You literally have no idea how many votes I put in that box.

4) BEST R&B SONG. The nominees are Jamie Foxx and T-Pain, Jazmine Sullivan, Beyonce, Pleasure P, and Maxwell. Remember what I did for Megadeth? I did the same for MAXWELL while I was in town. Hmm... Maxwell.

5) BEST NEW AGE ALBUM. Nobody cares.

6) BEST GOSPEL ALBUM. Nobody cares... except Jesus and Amy Grant.

7)BEST AMERICAN ROOTS ALBUM. Finally, an award for real patriots! I myself am proud to be an American, at least until China destroys us all. Until then, let freedom ring! The nominees are Bob Dylan, Levon Helm, Willie Nelson & Asleep At The Wheel, Wilco, and Lucinda Williams. I'm gong for WILLIE NELSON on this one, and for once I didn't bribe anyone. It's a known fact that Willie wins every award he's nominated for, because he does all the bribing himself. Willie grows some potent weed, kids. Steal some if you're ever in his backyard.

quickie: charles lacerte

Hey Chief, I can't help but notice the striking similarities between our blogs (viewable here ). In fact, there are only two differences I can spot: a) you use a blue font for your header (what, are you too gay for black?), and b) you write poems.... moving on. I would like to see this rectified before the end of the first quarter of 2010. Here's how you can avoid my wrath.

1) APOLOGIZE. Look, I'm not asking for a lot here. Just publicly apologize for stealing my entire layout on your blog, as well as on FaceBook and/or MySpace. Also, we'll need to meet up at some point so you can kiss my hand. That should smooth things over nicely.

2)WORSHIP ME. If an apology is too much, I completely understand. What you could do instead is become one of my loyal followers by pledging me your immortal soul in 250 words or less. Heck, I'm such a nice guy, I'll even let you choose the words!

Live or die, make your choice. You have until the end of the first quarter of 2010, good sir. Have you heard what I did to Niger1? I kicked his ass up one side of the blogosphere and down the other! You don't know what unspeakable acts of extremism and terrorism my radical followers are willing to do at my whim. You have your orders. My balls are in your court.

Avatar is Only Good When You're Drunk

Avatar is the most overrated piece of blue, furry shit I've seen in a while. And as a man who once worked in a zoo for imaginary animals, I know blue, furry shit when I see it.

I'll cut to the chase and assume everyone has seen it by now. I myself waited until basically the last minute, so I could steal as many jokes from Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno as possible before attempting anything as creative as writing a paragraph. Unfortunately, both men are obsessed with thirty minutes of airtime as of late, and as such have not been as funny. I, however, am at the top of my game and regularly not updating my website, as napping and eating cookie dough ice cream now occupy the majority of my schedule.

Last week I ventured forth from my sofa for the first time in two months. After the liposuction and bedsore treatment, my friend "Vegan" and I decided to go for a night on the town, starting at our favorite watering hole. She and I like to hit up this great bar downtown called TGIFriday's. Not a lot of people know about it, though, so let's keep it on the DL, kids.

After like two whole Appletini's, I was feeling pretty tipsy. Drunkenness brings out the greatness in us, I guess, and this night was no different. In our 'tini-besotted noggins, we conjured up a plan to sneak into the movies with MacDonald's Fun-Money, which I'd taken to carrying around in my wallet. Looking back, it seems like a bad idea, but we got the cashier with an eyepatch, so it all worked out in the end.

"Vegan" and I decided upon Avatar, because, come on. 3-D visuals AND we're drunk? Who'd say no to that? Needless to say, I walked out of there covered in vomit and depression at the realization that my life would be so much better if my girlfriend were nine feet tall and blue. After my seizures had stopped, however, I was convinced that Avatar was the greatest film of all time. I needed to see it again. I was starting to have dreams about giant blue furries walking around with tiny humans. I later learned that this was because I'd fallen asleep watching Monsters, Inc. Serendipity? I think not!

After I was cleared of the drunk driving charges (I was totally sure that "Vegan" was driving), I decided to go see it again, sober. I was having a hard time remembering some of the key elements of the film, like who played whom and which character said what. Also, the basic plot of the film sort of got lost on me, but I later found out this was fairly common. However, sitting there for three whole hours watching Smurfs use their ponytails as penises that wrap around other ponytail/penises and connect to FaceBook via a big oak tree is a lot more boring and mind-crushingly stupid when you aren't drunk. I do however give kudos to James Cameron for casting Lars Ulrich as the guy who wants destroy Pandora so ha may sell the unobtainable Unobtainium (clever, huh?) hidden under the planet's surface to 'investors'. Who'd think a guy like Lars Ulrich could play a greedy corporate shill? Also, they make you give back the 3-D glasses at the end. What, are we all sharing 3-D glasses? What if I catch like lice or something from that? Fucking ew, people.

All in all, I give this film a letter grade of B, as in 'Better Watch Something Else'. Like The Final Destination. Did you know the guy who played Bubba in Forrest Gump is in that movie? I'm serious, dude. Look it up on IMDb.