Well, keep crying, kids, because ours is the best reality to be a part of.
That said, I can understand how someone might think it would be cool to live in the universe of some of their favorite video games. To be a ruggedly handsome machismo, wielding a gun the size of a preteen, blasting the heads off of hordes of undead demon spawn... it's the next best thing to being me. And although being me does crush nad, I insist that your life is worth living. Not because you are special, unique, or otherwise valuable to the world, but because life in literally any video game would be terrible.
Let's cover some of the worlds that are obviously terrible. Resident Evil is out because realistically, no average American gamer could outmaneuver a t-virus infected police officer, let alone a Tyrant or Licker. Too much Mountain Dew in the system makes the hamstrings chubby. Same goes for Silent Hill, Clocktower, Fatal Frame, Left 4 Dead... really any game that involves running and not eating Cheetos.
May as well take off sports games for the obvious reason: all nerds are afraid of showering in the locker room (it comes from
boner shame).
I'm also gonna knock off any game that's too close to our prime reality;
Grand Theft Auto and its many ripoffs are basically real life with a shittier justice system and cheaper guns, so just move to Canada if you want to live like that. Also, none of those Japanese dating games. A world run by overweight male virgins preying on helpless teenage Asians (teenasians?) is a nightmare no American should have to face. It's bad enough that Japan is
exactly like that; we don't need it spreading over here, where rape is illegal.
The way I see it, there are really only four worlds that any gamer would ever choose to live in. They seem perfect, but I assure you, not one of them is worth living in. Bear in mind, I'm listing these for you. I'm not doing this for myself. You think I write these articles for some sense of self-worth? To make myself feel intelligent? To quell the sound of Tommy Wiseau screaming in my head? No. This is all for you.
4. SECOND LIFE
I know I've had my
problems with this game in the past, but borderline
retarded gameplay videos aside, it's pretty cool. If you're lucky, providence will make you a God, and you can really do whatever the fuck you want after that. Even if you aren't so lucky, you get to live in a world where anything is possible. The chances of you being reborn as a copyrighted superhero are actually pretty decent.
EXCEPT...
If you think your first life sucks more dick than a necrophiliac in Richard Nixon's sarcophagus, congratulations, your second one licks more ween than a groupie in Aaron Freeman's basement.
No matter who you are in Second Life, your existence is never ending, sleepless chaos. If you're a God, you're not alone. No matter what you build, there will be other Gods to delight in destroying everything you've created, like a bully kicking your sand castle. And though I eventually got back at River Phoenix, you won't be so lucky. You're a God warring against Gods; what do you think you can do, kill them? Who do you think you are, me? And who do you think your enemies are, River Phoenix? Trust me when I say it won't be so easy.
And what if you aren't a God? Then you're just a mindless plaything at the whim of some punk-ass. The best you could hope for is to serve a benevolent creator, and that he'll manage to protect your sorry life from the inevitable insanity that will overtake your portion of the realm. Just another day in the life of a being whose God is a twelve-year-old white kid.
3. THE ELDER SCROLLS
How about a world where no one is God, but still, many different Gods exist? You'll still have the freedom to live as you choose, but there are strict rules of reality that everyone must face. Combine these rules with a politically and racially diverse nation comprised of several different countries, each with it's own climate and topography, and you've got a pretty expansive world.
But no one wants to live in the TES world because it's pretty. Nerds love this game because it combines the setting of D&D with the sandbox world of GTA. If some trick-ass Giant steps to your shit, just pull out the Orcish credit card and
pill his cap. And if your cap in turn gets pilled, healing magic! Or be a ghost and wander for all eternity. Or, if you want to be a force of natural terror, be a werewolf! Or, if you want to be gay, be a vampire! The world is your oyster.
EXCEPT...
You know what's great about our world? Humans are at the top of the food chain. Sure, a bear or shark occasionally messes with us and takes an arm or a leg or something, but on the whole, Frau Gaia knows her place. And if you live in Tamriel, that place is right up your ass, screwing you like
a Makita BFR750. One word, genius: monsters.
Casual gamers know that in the latest edition of the game, dragons have overtaken the land of Skyrim. Dragons that look like
this. Giant flying dinosaurs that breathe fire. And it gets worse: they
think. They're bigger, stronger, and smarter than humans. This might be okay if we could coexist peacefully, right? Except apparently, we taste far too good to share a planet with. Now I know how dolphins feel sharing a planet with us.
Hardcore gamers will call bullshit on me, screaming awkwardly, limbs flailing, their acne-stricken visages glimmering in the sun like greasy gold, 'the dragons haven't existed in Tamriel since
Tiber Septim created Tamrielic Empire, 2E 897'. That's all canon, by the way. Had to Google it. If you knew that off the top of your head, you probably have a masturbation problem.
Well even if you manage to escape the dragons by a few centuries, you still have to deal with
minotaurs,
trolls, and whatever in Stendarr's name
this is. All of these want to kill you. Yeah, you might get lucky and be reborn in this world as a Dragonborn, or as fucking Jyggalag or some shit, but with so many people existing at so many different times across a universe so expansive, odds are, you'll end up spending your existence as
this guy.
Finally, you'd share a world with
Farkas. Fuck that guy.
2. SUPER MARIO BROS.
Alright, how about a world with a defined set of rules of reality, law, order, clearly outlined good and evil, and absolutely
no death? Wouldn't that be the safest route? I mean, sure, you'll have to give up some power in order to live in this world, but it'd still be fun. Matter of fact, some people would say it's the most fun game ever made. I'm talking, of course, about
Tapper, the single best video game of all time. But that world might get a little boring, with it's root beer based economy and all. Super Mario Brothers would probably be a better alternative.
No matter who you play as, you can never die. I mean, you might get your head smashed by an Italian plumber's ass every now and again, but you'll live. And what if you get to be Mario himself? You get to live the adventure of a lifetime every day, then come home to some sweet Princess poontang. You got it made. Hell, what if you got to be Bowser? You get to cause chaos and terror everywhere you go with a slap on the wrist being the only repercussion. It's like living as Don Imus or Laura Schlessinger, but with super powers.
EXCEPT...
No matter where you live, you're constantly at war.
If you're loyal to the Mushroom Kingdom, your princess (who should be a queen, when you think about it) is always getting kidnapped by monster terrorists. Also, outside of two Italians plumbers, you have no military whatsoever. Good luck with that, chief.
Also, Toad and his people are slaves. Ever notice that? Probably what's keeping the economy afloat in the Mushroom Kingdom, considering there are only three human residents, and none of them work.
1. POKÉMON
From the outset, this one's a keeper. No death, predestined laws, clear good and evil, balanced forces of humanity, and a stable economy in spite of
seemingly retarded terrorists. Ladies and gentlemen, Pokemon.
If I absolutely had to live in a video game universe, I think I'd pick Pokemon. You get to live in a world inhabited by fantastic creatures, creatures with sentience and human-like intelligence, no less, who have not only agreed to share our planet with us, but have given us compete control of the planet. Humans reign supreme in Pokemon, and life is good.
even if you're a Pokemon, you've got a pretty solid life. Yeah, you just might be a Charmander
left to die by some douchebag, but for the life of me, I think that's the only sad Pokemon story I can think of. Every other trained Pokemon for the most part has a pretty decent life. And natural Pokemon live as nature intended, and also have
God-like powers. Screw being a responsible human, I want to live my life as a fucking Charizard.
EXCEPT...
Slavery exists. You can sugar coat it all you want, but the fact of the matter is Pokemon are slaves.
Consider life as one of Ash's Pokemon. Let's say you're Squirtle; you've just escaped life as a career criminal, and are ready to begin your life as the cuddly companion of a preteen Asian! Too bad 'cuddly companion' means personal street fighter in this universe. Every time Ash runs his little shit mouth, it's you who picks up the bill by fighting the other guy's Machoke. If you're lucky, you're Pikachu. Basically all the same bullshit, except you don't live in a Pokeball. You get to see the sky. Lo, you are truly the wealthiest of slaves.
Not all Pokemon are game cocks, right? Some of them aren't used for battling. No, some are used for cheap labor. Like Ash's Mom's Mr. Mime, you could be forced to
sweep grass and dance to LMFAO (Ash's Mom has dementia).
And that's precisely where shit goes haywire for me. You see, Pokemon aren't dumb animals. They're pretty intelligent creatures according to the Pokedex, and a few of them can speak. So why are they cool with being living weapons and/or cheap labor? In the Pokemon universe, all life was created by a
Pokemon, and you can catch him. You can literally catch your own God, and he
will obey you.
Anyone remember how well slavery ended the last time? Not too good for either side. One side had to deal with the prejudices of white society, with hate crimes and rampant racism all across the country. Whites had some problems too, as their economy crashed and their country was divided by the Civil War. And that's when the slaves didn't have superpowers. Imagine a world where Martin Luther King was a Gyarados. He'd have a dream... of drinking the blood of all humans. Sure, things are going great in the Pokemon universe now. But anyone with a little foresight could tell you some serious shit is about to get shingled in Kanto.
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