Bears. What about them screams, "give them your child's trust"? Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. Bears cannot be trusted, as they are godless killing machines. Need proof? When was the last time you read a Berenstain Bears book?
Nothing about the Berenstain Bears is acceptable reading material for children. The Berenstain bears are a lying cabal of extremists bent on gaining your child's trust and then eating them. Of course, I personally have no problem with bears eating babies, but still, I feel like the public should at least be aware that their children are being brainwashed. Heck, I could probably even let that slide if the Berenstain Bears weren't genocidal fascists.
1) THE BERENSTAIN BEARS = JEWS FOR JESUS? I have no problem with the Jewish people whatsoever. I do, however, have a problem with a group of bear terrorists who can't keep their stories straight! These bears celebrate Christmas, as proven in the book The Berenstain Bears Meet Santa Bear. Of course, what kind of sinister, pagan bear-Christ their version of Christmas revolves around I have no idea. But think about that name: Berenstain. A name so Jewish you couldn't get a membership at a country club in Miami. Did they convert? Are they Jews for Jesus? Or are they so enmeshed in their own web of deceit that they can't keep a straight story to save their honey-stealing, child-mauling asses? I'm watching you, bears.
2)DER ÜBER-MENSCH, ODER DER ÜBER-BAAREN? I'm just going to come out and say it; all bears look alike to me. Does that make me a racist? Of course not. Were it not for people noticing race, how would we know who to call NSA on? But the resemblance between the bears of Bear Country isn't just a passing similarity. Every bear in Bear Country looks exactly alike. Sounds a bit like a Master Race of bears genetically engineered for maximum baby-eating capacity to me! This eugenicists wet dream of genocidal ursine monsters must be stopped! or is it too late?
3) WHERE ARE THE HUMANS? This is where things get a bit dark for a children's book. Where are the humans? No mention is made of humans, yet Bear Country has included all aspects of human society, especially religion, which the bears seemed to have adapted freely (see: Santa Bear). There are Bear Doctors, Bear Computers, and darkest of all, a Bear Sunday School. I can only assume the bears use their Sunday School lessons as a way of indoctrinating the cubs into fighting their holy wars. Not at all like our human Sunday Schools. Of course, humans had this technology first, right? So what happened to the humans? Was there some brutal bear uprising in which every human on Earth was devoured? Did man become too haughty and flippant in the eyes of our Christian Lord, leading him to abandon our species in favor of the bears? Or perhaps genetic research went to far, creating hyper-evolved superbears, which eliminated humanity in order to seize control of the planet? All I know is there ain't no humans in Bear Country.
I can only hope these points serve to educate the masses in time for Christmas this year. If one of your friends or relatives intends to purchase a Berenstain Bears book this holiday season, be sure to alert them of the apocalyptic war betwixt bears and humans as predicted by these "children's books". Merry Christmas, everyone! Don't get eaten.
Or do, I don't care.
