Lately, I have become more and more disappointed in Hollywood's offerings. Some say the recent upswing in budgets and the public's renewed interest in 3D film after the success of Avatar have changed the way people think movies should be made. Not this customer, kids. I remember a better time in cinema, when films had to be good in order to make money, and when Tim Burton wasn't blowing Johnny Depp. But did you see this year's Oscar list? What the hell was Julie & Julia doing up there? I still contest that Dragonball Evolution should have gotten some sort of honorary 'Awesomest Movie' award.
The sad fact of the matter is that Hollywood seems to be more interested in making money than making a good movie nowadays. I know, right? Who would suspect Hollywood is being taken over by overpaid corporate shills and/or the Jews? A pity. Anyhoo, the following is a list of films that I personally believe are just using outright lies to make money. True, lying to people is awesome, especially if you get money out of it, but these films are crossing the line.
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON. This is the one I'm most upset about. When I heard the name, I thought, wow they're wide-releasing gay porn now. Good for them! But advertising it to kids was way out of line! I marched outside of my local theater wearing a big sandwich board sign that said 'KEEP FAGS AWAY FROM MY DRAGONS' for almost two hours until the cops came and told me to leave; however by then it was really hot and I was about to leave anyway. Needless to say, I was even more shocked when I found out that a movie abut instructing children on the proper techniques of taming one's dragon is actually a children's cartoon. What's next? A cartoon called Flapjack that is in no way related to the delicious breakfast food? Lies!
THE GREATEST. When I heard about this movie and its illegal usurping of my duly earned title, I hit the roof! I was back at my theater with my sandwich board that very night! Unfortunately the theater was closed, so no one really saw, but shit went down! I marched and marched until the sun came up. Then I took a nap. But for once, this isn't about me sleeping in an alley somewhere; this is about action! It turns out this movie isn't about me at all, nor is it about Mohammed Ali, Bill Nie the Science Guy, or Flava Flav (all of whom I share the title with). It's actually about some homeless whore who's pregnant with Pierce Brosnan's son's baby moving in when the son dies... because homeless whores are the greatest? Lies!
FURRY VENGEANCE. I must admit, I actually had some hope for this film. When I heard the title, I pictured a gang of chubby pedophiles dressed up as cartoon animals taking up arms against the kids that beat them up in high school and going down Rambo-style! C'mon, wouldn't that be cool? Seeing a big fat guy dressed up as Pikachu running around chasing bullies with a blood-soaked chainsaw while another fat guy in a Barney suit shoots a cop in the face with a crossbow? That would be awesome! Turns out it's about a bunch of raccoons that try and persuade Brendan Fraser from building a mall or something in their woods. Wow, a cartoon that preaches environmentalism to children? That's original... Lies!
THE EXPENDABLES. Should have been called The Incredibles. Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Mickey Roarke, and Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger are a group of mercenaries sent into South America to save the President's daughter from the clutches of a Neo-Nazi drug lord played by Dolph Lundgren... HOW IS ANY OF THAT EXPENDABLE? Lies!
ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I know I mentioned this earlier, but I mean really now, what the fuck. I'm sick of seeing Tim Burton and Johnny Depp make out all over my movies. Plus, the movie is called Alice in Wonderland; why the hell was the Mad Hatter's role so big? Was it because he was actually relevant to the story? No, in fact he was only important the first time you saw him when he protected Alice from the Knave and his men. After that he was just a talkative background character. Literally the only reason the Mad Hatter was given so much screen time was because he was played by Johnny Depp, and the only reason Johnny Depp is in this movie is because it was directed by Tim Burton. Take your gay love elsewhere, you two!
