During my downtime, I tried to reconnect with my roots by playing a lot of Skyrim and listening to Megadeth. I feel revitalized. Having decapitated a few dozen Falmer while listening to Killing is My Business brings a certain clarity to me, a high only lots and lots of drugs can top. Also, I did lots and lots of drugs.
Breakfast.
I'm sure many of you are wondering what brought me back to the fold. Well summer is officially in full swing, and that means, of course, terrible movies! And nothing makes me happier than anonymously telling the hard working men and women of the entertainment industry that their efforts are shit, and that everyone who disagrees with me is wrong. Here's my bottom... five sound good? I'll shoot for five.
5) CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER. It's not even that this movie is bad, it's just not in the least bit necessary. I mean, I know it's supposed to connect the stories of the other Marvel universe movies and get us all hyped for Avengers 2, but therein lies its caveat: it exists solely to sell tickets to the next venture. Nothing even really happens in this movie, except Cap makes a black friend, gets his ass kicked by the bad guy, and... that's it! Not even a funny third thing. The last time a well received action flick got a sequel that spent two hours developing a plot that wouldn't be resolved for another two years, it didn't go well. Surprisingly, however, Cap 2: Electric Boogaloo did okay with critics and fans alike, which just goes to show you that everyone everywhere is a fucking idiot.
4) A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST. I hate Seth MacFarlane. Name one funny project that man has developed since Family Guy came back in 2005. In nine years, that dickweed has produced three more cartoons, two live action shows, a movie and an album of big band standards, all of which collectively blow more dong than a frivolous Vietnamese millionaire. You see in Vietnam, they call their units of currency 'dongs', so... frivolous millionaire, blowing dong across the country... I thought it was pretty funny.
Anyway, Million was awful. Everyone hated it, and really should never have even thought it would be funny to begin with. Watch the fucking trailer; it's just Seth MacFarlane reacting to his own comedy for two minutes. Also, I know this is supposed to be about movies, but have you seen Family Guy recently? Tons of reaction jokes alluding to gags made previously in the show. That hardly constitutes writing comedy. How would anyone reading this feel if all I did was constantly post links to funnier articles I wrote?
3) THE FAULT IN OUR STARS. Finally, a movie for lonely white girls! This pic sells us the story of Hazel, a hipster girl that's dying of cancer. Right off the bat, I'm interested; this should be a pretty short movie. But alas, the movie isn't really about her suffering the disease she rightfully has been cursed with; it's about her being quirky, and finding a boyfriend that is totally okay with her being exactly the person she is now, at age sixteen, for the rest of her life. Which, in truth, might not be for very long, but whatever. This movie sucks because it sells young caucasian females the same asinine romance that has been poisoning their worldview for decades. If something's wrong with you, it just makes you special, and you should in no way ever try to change or better yourself for someone else. You are the only person that matters, and the only men you should ever show interest in should be able to a) take care of every personal need, possibly including curing any diseases you might have, and b) always be okay with every decision you make, ever. Anyone who questions or challenges you, or tries to make you develop personally isn't worth your time. Bullshit.
2) PLANES: FIRE & RESCUE. Remember Cars, the weakest movie Pixar has ever released? Remember the shitty spinoff, Planes? Well someone call Xzibit, because I put a shitty spinoff of a shitty spinoff where your steering wheel should be!
1) AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2. I hated the first Amazing Spider-Man (famously). It succeeds based on fundamental changes made to Peter Parker's character; changes made to satiate the clamoring of hipsters with a passing knowledge of the Spidey mythos. Peter is not a cool kid. He doesn't skateboard around with holes in his sleeves, going to art classes and listening to Blink-182 all day. He's a nerd, one who gets beat up by bullies more than once per movie. He's also not exorbitantly wealthy, unlike the version offered in Amazing, who purchased a few thousand feet of diamond tether filament and a wireless security system for his bedroom with his paper route money. Hey Pete, maybe you wanna install one that will protect the whole house? No? Well Aunt May and I were just wondering. It's not like New York City is a dangerous place.
Amazing 2 follows the exact formula that ruined the previous franchise by giving you villains, villains, more villains! Also, Gwen Stacy dies, and for once they show Parker actually suffering some severe emotional pain because of it. Seriously, in the first one Uncle Ben dies and Pete doesn't even cry. He's back in costume hunting down criminals in the next scene. They tried to make him look vengeant by having him hunt down Unky Ben's killer, but even that plot thread goes unresolved as soon as Xenophilious Lovegood shows up. I should give points for having Green Goblin kill Gwen in a fashion similar to what happened in the comics, but I couldn't get over how Pete had in the last movie promised to never date Gwen again, as doing so would put her in danger. Pete pretty easily scoffed off that notion later on, but only after breaking Gwen's heart and telling her he doesn't love her. All of this, every bit of it could have been solved if Peter was a mild mannered nerd instead of a hotdoggin', freewheelin', hubris-marred Teen Wolf pastiche that every high school peckerwhip wants to be nowadays. Here's a note to any Marvel Studios execs who might be reading this in the bathroom: hire me to write Amazing 3. It'll be shorter, more violent, and just like the ending to Hamlet, the greatest story ever told, every character will be dead by movie's end.
As I say every year, this summer is a trainwreck. I can name only one good summer movie to be released this year, and I only bring it up because, much like Dark Knight Rises did in 2012, this movie met all of my expectations perfectly. I almost never admit to things like this, but I couldn't have written a better movie than Days of Future Past. It really sucks that Marvel Studios keeps pooping out new movies with terrible characters when they should be throwing all of their weight behind the one franchise that still holds water. Can't wait to see how shitty Ant-Man is going to be.
