Think about werewolves for a second, and make a short list of the things that come to mind. If you're anything like me, Michael J. Fox is the first thing that pops into your head. His 1985 masterpiece, Teen Wolf, represents the pinnacle of both werewolf cinema and Michael J. Fox films. It is literally the greatest lycanthropy-based film I have ever seen.
Every aspect of wolf culture is represented expertly by Mr. J. Fox and company; the wolf's transformation, full moons, the wolf's incredible basketball skills, his charisma with the ladies, his need to drink beer. Everything you could want in a werewolf movie is not only given to the viewers in classic 50's monster movie style, it is acted out with the grace of Lawrence Olivier himself by none other than Marty McFly. Fox brings to the character a freewheeling, devil may care attitude, turning the werewolf from some crybaby pussy bitch into a swinging party dude! Finally, an undead creature that isn't a total homo.
Those of you who haven't seen this masterwork of filmmaking are probably creaming your jeans with joy right about now, and those of you who have will soon by creaming them in sorrow. Hang your heads low, children. MTV is remaking Teen Wolf.
I'll give you a moment to vomit with rage.
To be totally fair, the series hasn't even aired yet (for those of you who want to witness the trainwreck, it premieres June 6th). This will not, however, stop me from passing judgement on it, because I rule. But just because I want to give the new series its day in court, here is the trailer for the new show and the trailer for the classic film. Judge for yourself, and then if you disagree with me, you can walk away knowing you are wrong.
1) THE LEADING MAN. As I have said before, Michael J. Fox acts the shit out of his role as Scott Howard, a loserly young mensch who, on the first full moon after turning seventeen, becomes a wolfman. His father explains that this is a genetic condition, and that he too is a werewolf. The rest of the film is about basketball, drinking, and pulling your penis out in a crowd. Sounds great, right? The new series, however, abandons Fox for someone with less muscular dystrophy, some jackass named Tyler Posey. Two things immediately stick out for me: his last name is Posey, and his last name is Posey. No one named Posey could ever handle the J. Fox mantle. 'Nuff said.
2) THE LADIES. Pretty early on in the film, Scott Howard falls for Pamela Wells, a cheerleader who happens to be dating some jerkwad from another school, most likely populated only by athletes and bullies, human Scott's natural predators. But after discovering his werewolf-related basketball skills, Scott wins the heart of Pamela and, offscreen, murders her boyfriend and his family (this was never really brought up in the script, but it's pretty heavily hinted at). Pam was portrayed by Lorie Griffin, who did absolutely no acting. She showed up, flashed her boobs, and then sailed off into the sunset with the hero like a classy 80's Lady should. The new show features a skinny broad named Crystal Reed as the leading lady, Allison. Again, I haven't seen the show, but I'm going to presume that there are no boobs, because it's airing on MTV, which censors the holy fuck out of anything that may or may not be offensive. After all, nothing is more offensive than the human body, especially when that body has a vagina. Also, Ms. Reed was in Skyline, which was so awful the makers of Viagra suggest you should watch it if your erection lasts for more than four hours.
3) THE STORY. The original film had a quick, uptempo pace and an easy to relate to story. How many times have you been body checked by a black guy during a basketball game, or had your lady stolen by some asswipe from the rival school, or wanted to buy beer, and found yourself wishing you were a werewolf? All of us have faced this issue, and no one plays the every man like Michael J. Fox. Scott Howard is the awkward kid turned party animal that we all want to be, making his ninety minute adventure a beat we can all dance to. The new show has no story details released yet, but come on, you saw the trailer. That looks gay as hell. Love... Be afraid. That's got to be the gayest thing since Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Also, listen to that crappy voice over by Mr. Posey. "What's happening to me? What if she finds out?" If there's anything the original film taught us, it's that women love werewolves, because they are hairy and are great at basketball. Not only does this show not feature any basketball, it replaces it with lacrosse. No shit, dude. I just looked it up on the show's website. Basketball is the only sport in the world where crazy trick dunks are encouraged. Basketball invented the alley-oop, probably the coolest thing since breakdancing. Lacrosse is the exact opposite of basketball. Why not make the lead character a professional butterfly catcher while you're at it? This story blows.
All in all, I can't wait for this show to get cancelled. MTV is getting pretty good at making terrible, terrible television, so I'm sure that this will be an easy task for them. I, meanwhile, will be sitting pretty with my VHS of the original Teen Wolf, which is all I need to forget that this travesty had ever been made.
