I Am an Indigo Child!

You read correctly, kids. I, your almighty and well-endowed leader am truly the next step in human evolution. I... AM AN INDIGO CHILD!

For those of you who don't know, Indigo Children are like real life X-Men, or the kids in The Lightning Thief. True, we may have our weird little quirks, but that's just because we are a superior race. And not Mein Kampf superior; more like 1984 superior. We Indigos are leading you stupid bastards to a newfound Utopia, and all we need from you is complete shelter from the law and income tax to pay for our meds.

But what is an Indigo Child? I first heard about them while looking up porn on YouTube. I typed in "fat+bedroom+confessions" and found this video. Holy fuckin' balls! She was HOT. But besides that, she also admitted to having strange powers that I thought only characters in the X-Files had. The girl, real name Fatty Fatty Boobilanny, claims that she can foretell births. I can foretell births as well; I see large bowling balls sticking out of the stomachs of women who are about to give birth. Fatty also claims to be able to tell when someone's going to die. Last week, my Mom told me one of my Aunts had terminal-stage cancer. I said, "She's gonna die," and just the other day she did! Weird, huh?

Convinced that I was a supernatural being just like my new MySpace girlfriend Fatty (who needs Skype when you have telepathic abilities and lots of crystals?). I ran into my kitchen and decided to try and bend a spoon. Low and behold I did, and I only partially de-gloved my hand and burst two veins in the side of my neck doing so. I then tried to communicate with my cat. I screamed, "GET THE FUCK OUT" at her, and she ran away really fast! It's like she knew what I was telling her. If that doesn't prove I'm an Indigo, then what will?

I was stunned. I immediately contacted the proper websites, such as FaceBook and FanFiction.net. I e-mailed them a list of my powers, which I have also reposted here:

1)PREDICTING THE WEATHER BY STICKING MY HAND OUT A WINDOW.

2)BEING ABLE TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS BLACK BY JUST LOOKING AT THEM.

3)BEING ABLE TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY BY HEARING THEM SING "PARTY IN THE USA".

4)BEING ABLE TO TELL IF SOMEONE'S FAT BY SQUEEZING THEIR BOOBS.

5)BEING ABLE TO TELL IF A WOMAN IS MENSTRUATING BY THE TONE OF HER VOICE.

Clearly I am much more advanced than you, however I believe this was established before I discovered my Indigo abilities. But rest assured I will only use my powers for evil on the weekends, when I am drunk, or if I need money to be a sweet moped or something. If you yourself think you may be an Indigo Child, here are some great websites that may help answer some of your questions, and also proves that I'm totally not making this up and that it is totally real.

Namaste Cafe

Indigo Child Information

CNN Interviews with America's First Outspoken Indigo Children

The Religion of the Indigos

Stupidest Groups on FaceBook

Before I even begin my tirade against the moronic preteen masses that overpopulate FaceBook as of late, I'd like to apologize for my two week sabbatical from my one true love, this blog. You see, I've been trying to branch out into other media in order to spread my musings to the masses. Of course, I don't want to do anything that would take some time or effort or, like, talent, so I and a few old friends from Darsh Studios, Limited got together to start a YouTube Channel. Within the first week my channel had generated twelve videos of me sitting in my room drinking Rolling Rock and screaming about terrible video games that no one knows or cares about. Then James Rolfe sued me and stole my ten speed. Fag.

Crushed, I turned to the one place I had always found solace; a social networking website. FaceBook has been on my side since the very beginning, or at least June of 2009. I had always felt welcome, like a privileged member, whenever I logged on. Mostly because I was logging into "FaceBook Platinum", which is a very exclusive FaceBook group. It's basically the same as regular FaceBook, but we put our credit card numbers on our Info pages. You know, because we're just that cool.

Immediately, I was slammed with a wave of invites to new groups that my so-called friends had created in vain attempts to be as cool as me (join the group Hit Your Kids for a free Smiley Face t-shirt!). They all sucked. No joke, these were some of the stupidest groups I'd ever seen, and I've seen the Wiggles in concert eleven times.

Everyone joins a few silly or nonsensical groups, like "Rama-Lama-Ding Dongs" or "Hope for Haiti", but the groups I've listed below are asinine space-wasters designed to propagate bratty behavior and stupidity. Shield your eyes, kids. These are...

THE STUPIDEST GROUPS ON FACEBOOK

5) "NO MOM, YOU'RE MAD BECAUSE YOU'RE WRONG, NOT BECAUSE I'M TALKING BACK" Oh yeah, real clever, kids. I'm sure somewhere in Sandusky, Ohio, Connie Cumdumpster and her brainless scenester friends are laughing it up about how fucking witty they are. Mom might have the ability to keep you from going out and getting drunk and having premarital sex on your thirteenth birthday, but she can't stop you from telling the whole world how much of a smartass you are by creating this shit-heap of a FaceBook page. Bitch, if you were my daughter and I caught you even glancing at a page this insolent I'd chain you to the radiator and starve you for a week. Maybe then you'd learn to fucking respect your parents. Rule number one of respecting your parents: they are never wrong, you stupid little shit.

4)"THE ONLY REASON I FAILED IS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TEACH" It looks like ol' Connie has been busy this weekend. First, Mom takes away her texting privileges for a week and now Mr. Hernmeier gives her an F in American History? OMG!!! It must be because that old bastard can't teach to save his fat Kraut ass, and can not at all be related to the fact that Connie has been texting the cute boy at the front of the class instead of PAYING FUCKING ATTENTION. No, you brainless little slut, he CAN teach. The problem is that YOU CAN'T LEARN. Might I suggest a career with less emphasis on education, such as stripping? Maybe one day you'll get enough ambition to be head frycook at MacDonald's or something. That'll show your Mom that you can make it in life without a high school diploma.

3)"GOVERNMENT NEEDS TO OUTLAW CIGARETTES" Yeah, let's just throw away a $600,000,000 a year industry. That'll really help out the recession. Also, freedom of choice is totally overrated. Don't you just love it when Government (?) does all the thinking? Long live Government!

2)"TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS" Fuck this group. These pretentious cunts seem to get off on thinking they're making the world a better place by telling people to write love on girls' arms to keep them from killing themselves. Not only is this totally ineffective (look up preteen girl suicide on Google, kids), but it doesn't even make sense. Here we see Sally Suicidal walking on down the street when suddenly some stupid frat boy runs up behind her with a sharpie and graffiti's her forearm. That's kind of an insult, like saying, "rather than listen to your problems or show any interest in your life at all, I'm going to make your ass my canvas". Fuck it. Some people will argue that when she looks down to cut her wrist she'll see LOVE and think that someone actually cares about her. Of course, if she really wanted to kill herself, it shouldn't matter if her forearm says FREE BEER, or IF YOU KILL YOURSELF SATAN WILL RIP YOUR VAGINA IN HALF. On top of that, what's to stop her from using the other arm? Or blowing her fucking head off? This group is bullshit.

1)"9/11 TRUTH" This is the absolute pinnacle of idiocy, like the Mount Rushmore of retardation. There's about half a million FaceBook pages dedicated to this "cause", and I'd be willing to bet that they were all started by some eighth grade punk with a Che Guevara shirt in Greenwich, Connecticut. I hate these kids. They think they know how the world should work just because they read a fucking pamphlet about Haile Sellassie and listen to NOFX. Oh, wow, fuckin' cool, I wear Converse, and ties with t-shirts. I'm fuckin' smart! Wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG! You know nothing. If you've passed a high school science class in your worthless fucking life you'd be able to tell that all the information presented in "Loose Change" is bullshit. If the government could pull off an act of extreme murder and terrorism as massive as 9/11, then why didn't they kill every fucking dipshit associated with these BS artists? Logic, people.