The man: ME.
Before I even begin answering, you are welcome. I'm sure everyone has asked themselves this at least once, and has in turn been left without an answer. The truth is, there are many answers, all of which are equally valid, unless an idiots says one. Then it is false. Like, for instance, if some idiot with a Messiah complex overheard the question being asked at like a party, then went home, drank a fifth of Triple D Smirnoff, then started typing a wild, rambling tangent on his blog about why man drinks alcohol, then that guy's a dumbass, and probably gay. You don't need to worry about that here, though, as I am neither dumb, nor an ass, and I am certainly not gay. After all, would a gay guy be able to read the entire Harry Potter series in only nine years? Didn't think so.
1) TO FORGET. Drinking to forget is as old as a really old thing. I'm sorry, I had a really great simile written down on a Snickers bar wrapper, but I got drunk and used it as a condom. Man drinks to forget, and birds go tweet. We know this! The better question is.... WHY?? Man drinks because he wants to forget, and he wants to forget because he doesn't want to remember; 'nuff said. For instance, that one Thanksgiving when I was fourteen and I was making out with my cousin and I accidentally called her Yvonne instead of Yvette, I drank quite a bit. I really wanted to forget the embarrassment of calling my former lover the wrong name. I love you still, Yvette, even though your vadge has been ripped apart from having so many inbred kids. If you're ever in town, call me...
2)FOR PEACE. And not Hippie peace, either. Jesus Peace. Like, if your wife throws you out, and you go to grab a few beers with the Lord, searching for inner peace. You just want to find some quiet, and those voices in your head, screaming out, "stop drinking or your wife will divorce you", just will not shut up. You need a stiff drink to find some peace, otherwise those voices might take over, and then you'll do something crazy. Like stop drinking. Madness!
3)TO CURE BOREDOM. Sometimes life needs some zest. Like when I'm having meaningless sex with a stranger; things can get pretty boring, with her just sort of laying there, underneath me and the two Polynesian midgets and the obese black woman wearing a Barney suit. That's when I call in the big guns. Beer and wine are dear and fine, but to spice up the action in the bedroom, I drink a very potent brew I found only recently at the Home Depot. It's called Turpentine (pronounced ter-pan-tee-nay), and smells a lot like nail polish remover. A few pints of that stuff and you'll be putting on the Barney suit yourself this time!
Well, that's it until the next time I update. See you all in 2014! Keep drinking, my loyal children. And if you see any of my disloyal children, please hit them. Seriously, I take a month off and you bitches won't stop e-mailing me. I've received two whole e-mails complaining about lack of updates. First of all, when you e-mail me, don't call me 'Esteban'. I have no idea who the hell you think you are, calling me Esteban and such. And then you go on typing in Spanish. It's like, whoa nelly, you wanna hate mail me because I haven't been on the blog in a while; that I can understand. But why you goin' and talking all Spanish like? Please take the time to hate-mail me in English, sir.
Oh, look. I just got another message from you idiots. This one's from some idiot in Puerto Rico. Guess I'll have to e-mail him a link to Rosetta Stone in order to understand what the hell he's saying. Ah, well. Life-life-life.
