This Month's Internet Idiot

I know it's been a while since I last posted a new Internet idiot, but I think I may have found someone so stupid, so scream-inducingly, groin-grabbingly moronic that it more than makes up for the delay. Without much further ado, allow me to introduce Hannah Bond.

Hannah was just an average student in, I don't know, some backwoods town in that state full of rednecks. You know, the one with fat, corrupt cops? Yeah, that one. Anyhoo, Amanda was just an ordinary girl, going to high school, wearing glasses, embracing the world of miniature equestrian statuary; just generally doing chick crap. This went on for sixteen years or so, which I'm sure must have felt like ages, until finally she made an actual friend. Wow!

That's where things turn sour.

Turns out Hannah's friend was Emo. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'SHE'S A GIRL, DARSH, ITZ KEWL!!! LOLZ!!!!', to which I say stop thinking in caps. Also, can I finish one goddamn story? I would love to finish just one goddamn story.

Anyway, yes, Hannah's friend turned her into an Emo, and long story short, she hung herself. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Oh, no, wait, it keeps going.

So after Hannah hung herself, her parents discovered her dark and shameful secret obsession with skinny jeans and those stupid wool hats that look like douches. They were shocked! They had no idea that their daughter had an interest in such things! It must have been the Emo music's fault! Why else would their daughter romanticize hanging herself in the poetry she wrote and then posted online for everyone to read and/or report to the police? Emo must be stopped!

Okay, I can't hold in this hategasm anymore. Get two towels, 'cause this one's gonna be big...

Emo must be stopped? You're goddamn right, people. But really? Crappy music about going to the mall and wearing flannel shirts ironically can kill someone? I find that hard to swallow, and to answer your next question, yes, that's what she said.

Look you dolts; the bitch hung herself because she was an idiot. Need proof? Only an idiot would kill her/himself in such a played out and weak fashion. Hanging yourself? Who do you think you are, Emily Dickenson? When I kill myself, I'm going to do it like a man; with a gun. I'm going to steal a shotgun, dress up like Santa Claus, break into a preschool, and shoot myself in front of the first class I find. Man-Power, bitch!

Though it is true that Emo lowers IQs and causes spontaneous fits of crying and poetry, it can hardly be considered fatal, because only cool things can kill you. For instance, shotguns are cool, as are cobras and Chuck Norris. If I could have Chuck Norris shoot me in the face with a special shotgun that shot out cobras, then I would. But I can't. That's something I have to live with. Yeah it hurts, but I'm not going to hang myself over it.

Hannah's parents argue that their daughter was lured into a suicidal cult that worshipped My Chemical Romance (I shit you not, Wikipedia it) by her friend, who drew teddy bears hanging themselves in her art class. This is obvious BS. Who would join such a stupid cult? A cult that worshipped Megadeth, I could see. But My Chemical Romance? What's next, The First Church of Kanye?

Emo is pop music, people; nothing more. It's not harmful to anything except your pride. Am I sorry this girl died? Hell no. Hannah was probably a Nazi, or worse, a Pothead. Should her parents feel guilty? Well, maybe. I mean, you'd have to be blind or extremely neglectful to not notice your daughter joining a friggin' cult, but hey, what do I know about these people? For all I know, her parents were inbred. But just to set the record straight, I do not support Emo music or Emo kids. They overpopulate malls and spread like a cancerous tumors. If I could have them all hanged I would. But let's get real; Emo can't kill. That's what I'm here for. Kisses! :)

quickie: if you hate metal shut the fuck up

I hate Metal Archives. This is not news, as I know I have expressed my distaste for these pale-faced, lip-pierced mallcore dipshits numerous times in the past. The fact is Metal Archives is not metal, period. Take for example, TheHuman666's review of Megadeth's ball-blastingly shreddy new album, 'EndGame' (these are bullets, I'm not giving this cock-smooch the satisfaction of posting the whole thing).

-I can't believe Dave and Megadeth thought this was a good album!

-This album is just plain bad.

-The riffs are so formulaic. It's like, play a fast part, then a slow part, then a solo, then it ends.

-This album is terrible.

Note this guy repeats himself like a broken fucking record. It's bad, it's an embarrassment, it's bad. Buddy, you're the embarrassment. I get it; you hate metal. Why else would you criticize Megadeth for being fast? Yeah, god forbid thrash metal not adhere to your mid-nineties groove metal bullshit. Ill Nino broke up, you putz; get over it.

Here's a tip, dickless. Change your fucking sign-on. Really? TheHuman666? You call EndGame 'metal-by-numbers'. Way to buy into the latest anti-metal buzzword, for one, and for two, look who's talking. It's as if you sat down and asked, 'how can I keep real metalheads from kicking my ass with logic?', and decided that claiming you were '666' personified would suffice. 666 means nothing. It's a number, nothing more. A more fitting name would have been TheHumanVagina. You're welcome.

This is a call to arms. Fellow metalheads, hate mail this ass-hat! Let's bombard him with our rage until he hangs himself or gets the admins to make me apologize. C'mon, everyone, fag-drag! FAG-DRAG!

P.S. Here's the queef's homepage, where you can read his spelling error-ridden reviews of Motorhead (he hates them), Black Sabbath (he hates them), Slayer (he hates them), and Suicide Silence (he loves 'em!): http://thehuman666.blogspot.com/

No One Likes Your Shitty Poetry

My eyes are moist with tears,

As you remove me from your friends list,

But I will have my vengeance,

I'm writing a shitty poem about you! Boo-fucking-hoo!

Poetry is for fags. Let's face it, kids; poems rank up there with eating schlong and watching Glee on the list of gayest things ever. I'd rather rip my own dick off and fill my castration wound with fire-ants than ever read another shitty poem ever again. And unfortunately, it's all shitty. Why? because poems, like religions and white people, are all exactly alike.

But what makes poetry so infuriatingly homosexual? Let's break it down like the emotional stability of an emo kid with an inferiority complex.

1)POEMS ARE PRETENTIOUS. I have an idea, a thought; I have something I want to say. So how do I say it? I know what you're thinking, "WITH WORDZ, DARSH!!!!1!1!! LOLZ". Wrong, wrong, wrong. With a poem! Why? Because I'm gay (note: I'm not gay, retard). What better way to tell the world you're a fifteen-year-old with his head up his ass then by writing a poem to express yourself? But it can't be a poem with, y'know, a rhyme scheme, because being coherent is so late-nineties. It has to be aimless, bereft of creativity, and completely inane. Congratulations! You have destroyed art.

2)POETRY IS DEAD. There's a reason no one writes poems anymore. It's because what was once an art left to people who didn't need to use spellcheck or rhyming dictionaries has been stolen by every jobless wang with a FaceBook. We get it; you have nothing to live for. Just kill yourself, don't drag us into the hellish abyss with you by spreading your suicidal tendencies via crappy poetry. Why don't you do something useful with your vapid musings and engrave them on your tombstone?

3)NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME FROM A POEM. If you read the above listing, you might have mistaken me for someone who gives a rat's twat about poetry. The fact is that even before these webcam whores posing as artists overtook poetry like Nazis invading Poland, poetry was pretty gay. Back in the day, people kept their poetry books away from their children for fear that they would become depressed, alcoholics, suicidal, or worse, queers. Maybe it's time we put away poetry altogether. Suicidal, depressed, and booze-filled teens? Fine by me. Gay teens? STAY OUT OF MY MALL!!

I feel this issue has been beaten like a dead horse in a circle jerk. Internet poets, stay off the Internet. If you have certain intimate thoughts that can only be expressed by poetry, why don't you put them where they belong: right up your ass.

NewsFlash: All Religions Are Exactly The Same!

Dearest Readers, you know me. I am a simple man, a kind man, a miracle worker of sorts, hoping that each leap will be the leap home, much like my brother in arms, Steven Bakula. Quantum Leap references aside, I have noticed lately that a lot of you, my loyal worshippers are putting Gods before me. Uh, yeah, did you even read the contract I sent you all telepathically? C'mon guys, lets keep it clean.

So how do I know you've been cheating on me? The same way Satan knows you've been cheating on your wife: I check your FaceBooks. I was very excited when I noticed a religion filter on Friend Finder, but guess what? Not one of you listed me as your deity of choice. That wouldn't have been so bad if some of you had chosen a silly or humorously blasphemous religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo, but none of you even got that much right.

Anyone with half a brain or male genitals will be able to tell you that all religions are exactly the same except mine. That's how you can tell mine is the one true faith! I don't know how much more obvious I could make this, people. But maybe if I made fun of all of your religious values, then you'd see the light:

CHRISTIANITY/CATHOLICISM: Exactly the same. Jesus died, he came back, he asked you all via e-mail to buy Shroud of Turin bath towels, yadda yadda yadda, you're saved. The truth is, almost every religion has a story like this, except mine. I just ask you to buy the towels.

BUDDHISM: Hey everyone, lets just like, y'know, like lay under this tree, and like, all exist, bro... and gain weight. Sure thing, Pothead Jesus AKA Siddartha Guantanamo, or whoever the hell started this religion. Look blobbo, do whatever you want, just stay away from my worshippers. I don't want you fattening them up with your cannabis-fueled ideology. I hate fatties.... they eat all the bacon.

JUDAISM: They killed Jesus, so extra points for that. However, they refuse to trade Bill Nie. C'mon, man, that's like when the Yankees signed A-Rod to a twenty year contract. Bill Nie's a bird, man, he's got to be free! Until you trade him to my side, Jews, you are all on full notice. Also, I want one of those little hats. Come on! Gimme a free hat, Jews!

SATANISM: You'd think a church devoted to the subversion of Christ would be cool, but in actuality its all pretty...what's the word? Gay. Yeah that's it. Kids, its time to get real: Satan doesn't want to hang out with you. I mean, if there really was an almighty demon overlord, would he really want to hang out in some goth kid's basement playing D&D while listening to Cattle Decapitation? Wake the fuck up.

WICCAN/WITCHCRAFT: Okay, we get it, you're an overweight Emo chick who reads way too much Twilight and spends all of her Mom's money on crystals and tarot cards; you don't need an entire religion to explain how you fritter your insipid, asinine life away. This religion was meant for exactly two kinds of people: the above fat chicks, all dolled up in Naruto gear and some fairy-themed perfume to cover up the fact that they don't wear deodorant, and the equally fat loser guys who wish to bone them. C'mon, dudes, I've done my share of dirty work to get a lady in the sack, but I've never converted. Time to give up the charade, gents.