Every few eons, a film is created that is so intensely beautiful that to watch it too many times would cause your face to melt off. The subtle notes in the actors and actresses voices are so mellifluous that their sweet melodies could make a sailor run aground. It is porn for your brain, and makes your soul shoot a sweet load of mindgasm. For our generation, that film is...
JUMANJI.
I believe it is indisputable how timeless and perfect this film is. Who can forget the unforgettable performances of such world-famous actors and actresses as Bonnie Hunt (Beethoven's 2nd, David Schwimmer's Kissing a Fool), Jonathan Hyde (Anaconda, Macaulay Culkin's Richie Rich), and of course, Robin Williams? Who can resist that beard? Truly only the coldest of hearts.
But what really makes this movie stand out are the performances of the animal actors. Did you know that no actual animals were used in this film? I could have sworn the knife throwing monkeys were real. You win this round, Academy Award-winning director Joe Johnston! That's not even a joke, actually. The guy who directed Jumanji has an Oscar. Google it, kids.
Of course, there are some negative nancies out there who insist that this film blows more dong than a Korean prostitute with three mouths. To those who dare decry this film, I say screw you! I don't care if Allan and Sarah would have thirty-nine year old minds in the bodies of thirteen year olds when the game ends, meaning that they would have the minds of seventy-eight year olds at the end of the film. I don't care if there were no signs of law enforcement officials or EMT crews while the stampede rampaged through downtown. I don't care if no one called the cops on Van Pelt while he was firing a high powered rifle into a crowded department store seemingly without pity or guilt. I don't-- You see where I'm going with this, right?
Jumanji blows. Also, how come those construction workers at the beginning of the film just watch while the bullies beat up Allan and steal his bike? What, are they the bullies' dads or something? Are they just sadists? Why don't they stop him from walking into the construction area either? I mean, a thirteen year old boy literally just walks into a hard hat area and starts digging away at the dirt with no one stopping him, and you can literally see construction workers watching him while he does this. Did ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING director Joe Johnston forget to tell the construction workers to act?
I hate this movie. Luckily, a sequel of sorts came out a few years back called Zathura. I haven't seen it, but I'm sure it's a marked improvement. Dax Shepherd is in it! He's still relevant, right kids? Kids?
