Stop Your Bitching, Hippies

There's a lot of bullshit on the internet right now about the suspension of habeas corpus, and the National Defense Authorization Act 2012, and how Obama has become the worst president since Carter overnight. I must admit, I'm not a big supporter of Obama, because he talks with his hands like a fucking idiot, and he's biracial. As a fellow biracial American, I think it's my duty to inform you gullible, naive one-racers that we're not to be trusted. Having two races gives us the advantages of both with none of the drawbacks. Every biracial human is a Blade, and you elected one to the highest office of power in the world. What the fuck did you expect to happen?

But I cannot be entirely auspicious towards B-Hussein this time, if only because I really feel like no foul has been made on his side of the court. The NDAA was passed without a hitch, and suddenly every jackass with a MacBook and a hacky-sack goes shithouse rat all over YouTube. What the fuck? They pass a new NDAA every year, and have for the last forty eight years. What's the problem with this one?

Well, it seems the Occupy Generation is at it again, complaining in the streets and furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to grasp what is for them imperceptible. Yes, the President has the right to institute martial law. He always has. What the fuck are you idiots trying to prove, that Obama is the forty-fourth corrupt president? Does keeping the rights oathbound to his office make him a fascist? That's like saying a police officer is a racist unless he stops arresting black people.

Firstly, habeas corpus, despite what you may have heard from Chet, your pothead roommate "who's totally political brah", is not a fucking right. It is a privilege, and is spoken of as such in the Constitution of this once-literate country. Second of all, indefinite detention, or the suspension of habeas corpus, has always been a right of office of the president. Just because the president still has that right doesn't mean he's the new Hitler. Thirdly, the NDAA doesn't even expressly say US citizens are to be indefinitely detained, even though (again) that's well within the president's powers. The article in question simply reiterates the powers originally drafted in the Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Terrorists instituted by GW right after 9/11. In short, play nice and you have nothing to worry about.

So what does any of this mean to the rational, law-abiding American citizen? Absolutely nothing. No laws have changed, no dark cabal has upended democracy, and Obama isn't going to order random arrests in the streets, because habeas corpus has not been suspended. This isn't Iraq, geniuses.

But to any of you who may be occupying a certain street in New York, it means deep shit. Have fun fighting for... what the hell were you guys fighting for again? Never mind. Don't drop the soap, kids!

Fuck Occupy Wall Street

I hate the Occupy Wall Street movement more than anything I have ever hated in my entire life, and I have hated almost everyone and everything I have ever encountered. I hate the people that support it, I hate the fact that it preempts episodes of Top Chef, and I especially hate how it has become the polestar of my generation's zeitgeist. When the history books collect my generation's contributions to mankind, this is the bullshit they will write of. This, and our love of PBR and Fleet Foxes.

When I first heard of the OWS protests through a friend of mine, I thought, "great!", because I love it when a group of people come together to crush fiduciary efficiency and fiscal solvency. Then I heard about on TV. Then I read about in the papers. Then I read about it on FaceBook. By the time a second friend of mine tried to tell me about it almost two weeks later, I began wondering why the hell this thing was still going on. I guess those hippies must be pretty well organized in order to maintain a basecamp for so long in on of New York City's most crowded areas.

WRONG.

Take a look at this and scroll down to the comments. At a cursory glance, it appears the hippies are fighting socioeconomic equality through complaining, a common tactic employed by those whose contributions to the world can be summed up in toilet flushes and trips to organic co-ops. Okay, I've seen shit like this before. Why's this time any different?

Because none of the protesters know what they're protesting about.

For fuck's sake, these idiots have a website dedicated solely to letting people know what they want, yet no one at the protest itself knows? Is there no Wi-Fi at these things anymore? Also, as much as these idiots try to make it look like they're suffering for their cause, the more videos I see, the more I think it looks like one big party.

That aside, even if they could get their facts straight and unite under one demand (it's been almost a month, nothing so far), it would still be a stupid one. The major claim made by these twats is that 1% of America controls the other 99%, and that this line is divided by wealth and taxation. The top one percent of American breadwinners pay "no taxes". What they don't understand is the next few steps down are far from the working class. The cutoff line is about $600,000 earned annually. That's what a D-list MLB player earns. How the fuck is that middle class?

Speaking of major league athletes, Derek Jeter makes $18.9 million dollars a year, not counting endorsements. Ochocinco makes about $5 million. And yet, it's all "the corporations" who are sucking up the money in this country, right? Major league athletes definitely aren't greedy crybabies at all. Hell, athletes aren't the biggest money sponges in the country either. Metallica's James Hetfield is worth $175 million. Dave Grohl is worth $200 million. Rage Against the Machine's first album has gone triple platinum since its release in 1993, yet Tom Morello feels like no one can complain about being poor without him.

If you really want to change how money is handled in this country, get off your skinny jean wearing ass and get a job. But if you feel you must blame others for how little your liberal arts degree is worth, do something other than complain. You can do what these upstanding gentlemen are doing, by withdrawing all of their money from all FDIC banks in America. Of course, they don't realize this could potentially restart that never ending circle of bailouts that everyone was talking about a few years ago, but hey, at least they're trying.

If You Celebrate Queer History Month, You're Gaytarded

JK Rowling preparing a squad of young wizards to go kill gay people.

The minute any group of people gets a 'history month', a black cloud of shame and farts is brought down upon those people like a plague of locusts. Black History months is the most derogatory statement made by White America about black people; that literally all of their contributions to society can be a) condensed into one month, and b) are only defined by the white people who appreciate them. All anyone talks about during Black History month is what an important figure in American History Martin Luther King was (no, he wasn't a doctor). Too bad it took damn near forty years for every state to observe it as a federal holiday. Also, why is Martin Luther King the only black civil rights leader worth remembering (Rosa Parks doesn't count)? Because Malcolm X, Huey P. Newton, and H. Rap Brown did absolutely nothing.

But you know something? Fine. Let's carve a month out of the calendar to talk about black history and make all the white people in the world who think racist things when the black cashier at their grocery store screws up the change feel better about themselves. After all, it's only one month, right?

Except there are three friggin' more history months observed in the United States: Women's History Month, South Asian Heritage Month, and the newest, Queer History Month.

I'm not going to waste two respective sentences on how fucking inane Women's History Month and South Asian Heritage Month are. Women have done absolutely nothing of note in the history of existence except sew, cook, and invent soccer, and I prefer North Asian people to South Asians, because North Asians aren't so fucking pretentious they demand a whole month to acknowledge them. Queer History Month I will talk about however, if only because I'd never heard of it before.

In fact, it isn't even on Wikipedia as of this post, but that's only because Queer History month doesn't exist; since its inception in 1994, it's always been called LGBT History Month. So why the sudden change? Why waste more paiper-mache letters when LGBT is so much shorter than queer?

The truth is America has turned the gay community into a petting zoo; you can walk in, feed the gays, pretend that you care about their well-being and then buy a t-shirt on the way out to show the world that you kinda care about gay marriage, which is still illegal in forty-one states. Gay has become a race, meaning if you have a gay person in your school, community, or organization, you qualify as 'diverse'. Bullshit. Social diversity means people taken from all tax brackets, communities, states, educational institutes, political agendas. Diversity cannot be boiled down to race. A gang of white supremacists don't magically become all-inclusive when half of them become gay.

If you take any time at all out of your life to acknowledge Queer History Month, you are lowering the IQ of everyone around you, becoming a walking vortex of stupidity. Setting aside a month for 'queer history' does about as much for the gay community as changing your FaceBook profile picture does to stop child abuse. If you really want to support gay politics or contribute to the gay community, don't just sit on your ass for thirty days pretending you're being progressive by reading gay poetry and watching Milk on Netflix. This month is bullshit.

MTV Rips Itself Off

Are you laughing yet? Neither am I!

I hate Tosh.0. It's a terrible concept, unfunny, annoying, and unoriginal. I could see the need for a program centering around funny internet videos in a world without YouTube, but since anyone can see the videos Daniel Tosh airs in lieu of original content, the notion of devoting half an hour of your life to this jackass prancing around in front of a green screen making snarky remarks once a week is insulting to the collective intelligence of the world.

I might even be able to see some point in watching the show if Daniel Tosh was smarter than me, or funnier, or clever, but then again, being smarter than a twenty-year-old is a hard standard to set for someone who works in television. I could even see past the vapid, humorless writing if the program showcased relatively new clips, but alas, Tosh seems to focus on the same internet videos you were emailed in 2006. Fuck Tosh.0.

And fuck Ridiculousness even harder. You remember all that stuff about Tosh.0 being irrelevant in 2011? Consider the fact that it first aired in 2009, and now consider it airing in August of 2011 and hosted by someone who didn't get enough oxygen as a child. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ridiculousness.

Rob Dyrdek may be the least talented man in the world. A high school dropout turned "professional athlete" (extreme sports aren't really sports, kids) turned television star, Dyrdek peddles the same "oh my God, that's so crazy!" bullshit that everyone on MTV does. Again, this might be excusable if it were an original concept, but guess what? It isn't. Dyrdek is doing what Bam Margera did in 2003, Johnny Knoxville did in 2000, and Beavis & Butthead did in 1993. Almost twenty years later, it isn't fucking funny.

Even the YouTube clip show idea is a stolen one. America's Funniest Home Videos aside, WebJunk20 (starring the fucking incredible Patrice Oneal) was Tosh.0 with actual jokes and laughter and stuff a whole three years before on VH1.

What am I getting to exactly? Well, Ridiculousness is an unfunny ripoff of Tosh.0, an unfunny ripoff for one. But hey, I can see why MTV would want to steal that idea. I hate it, but I'll be honest and admit that Tosh.0 does pretty well in the ratings (for some fucking reason). Maybe MTV isn't so stupid after all.

Oh wait, MTV owns Comedy Central. They own Tosh.0.

So why do they want us to watch two of these fucking shows?

The only reason I can ascertain is MTV's love of stupid, gullible teenagers. YouTube is the wave of the future, and modern media needs to follow it's model. This, unfortunately, means that whatever is popular on YouTube, like say, this fucking bullshit, is what we're going to see a lot more of. Weep, my children, as YouTube and MTV combine to form a Reese's Cup of utter chaos and planetary destruction. Say goodbye to entertainment, and say hello to Rob Dyrdek.

Shitty Movies I've Seen Recently

"My fingerless gloves are telling me this movie sucks!"

Look up 'summer 2011 movie trailers' on youTube right now and tell me you've found something worth watching. I mean it; tell me you have. Please, oh sweet Satan, tell me you found some scrap of a decent film to be viewed. For Christ's sake, July has barely even started and there's nothing to keep me entertained and happily air conditioned at the local cinema. I skipped the new Pirates of the Caribbean because of my pending lawsuit against Johnny Depp for ruining Tim Burton's career, and Transformers looks exactly like the other two movies (honestly, if you watched all of them in random order, could you tell which one was which?). Nothing good has come out. Luckily, plenty shit has come out, and the only thing better than reading reviews of great summer movies is listening to an insane idiot complain about crap on the Internet!

I AM NUMBER FOUR. And this movie is number two! Get it? Not number two as in, you know, two, but as in poo-poo. This movie is poo-poo! Seriously though, this movie was gaytarded. It's about this alien who crash lands on Earth and is fine for over a decade. But then, when he's old enough to be portrayed by a twenty-year-old, Lord Voldemort catches up to him on Earth, and tries to kill him. No reason is given, or needed, because Voldemort has no nose, and thus, is evil personified. The guy from Gone in 60 Seconds is in this. Nothing else of note. Who am I kidding, none of you saw this.

SOUL SURFER. When I heard of the premise for this one, about a dumb bitch who can't surf getting attacked by a shark, I thought it sounded terrific. As an added plus, it's the cheerleader brat from Tim Burton's remake of the film adaptation of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But lo, even the promise of tweens being mutilated by sharks cannot be held by Tinseltown these days. Allow me to ruin the whole fucking thing and just flat out tell you the shark isn't even in the movie. It's a little gray flash that's gone in a second. There is no blood. The bitch gets her fucking arm bitten off by a Mako shark and doesn't even scream. It's all downhill from there, as the rest of the movie is her learning that having one arm doesn't make you a bad person, and that a shark attack can't stop you from living your life. That's pretty disappointing, because from the outset I was told the shark attack might end her life.

CARS 2. They made a sequel of the worst Pixar movie, and yet I have to wait until 2013 to see Monsters University? The fuck?

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS. Let's all just agree that in the realm of comic book movies, how good a movie is as a standalone project is completely irrelevant. As a standalone, outside of the X-Men universe, this isn't bad. It's like a B, maybe even a B+. As an X-Men fan, though, I can't let this one slip. This movie skullfucks the shit (brains?) out of the X-Men canon. Angel Salvadore and Darwin debuted in the 2000s, Havik is Cyclops' younger brother, Professor Xavier did not know Mystique as a child. I know this makes me come off as a tubby, acne-stricken virgin, but everyone is allowed one childish Internet rant in their life. This is mine (my previous rants weren't childish, just loudly typed).

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. This movie already came out in January. Really. Look it up. Compare Friends With Benefits to No Strings Attached. It's the exact same film.

This summer blows. Not a single good superhero has a movie coming out. Captain America is Batman with Army training, Thor is unrelatable to us human viewers, and fuck the Green Lantern in the ass with a barbed-wire dildo. Super 8 looked good until I saw it had J.J. Abrams' name on it, and since he refuses to refund the money I spent on a ticket for Cloverfield, I'm protesting his latest venture, if only because my indignation is matched only by my spite.

The New Teen Wolf Sucks Balls

Think about werewolves for a second, and make a short list of the things that come to mind. If you're anything like me, Michael J. Fox is the first thing that pops into your head. His 1985 masterpiece, Teen Wolf, represents the pinnacle of both werewolf cinema and Michael J. Fox films. It is literally the greatest lycanthropy-based film I have ever seen.

Every aspect of wolf culture is represented expertly by Mr. J. Fox and company; the wolf's transformation, full moons, the wolf's incredible basketball skills, his charisma with the ladies, his need to drink beer. Everything you could want in a werewolf movie is not only given to the viewers in classic 50's monster movie style, it is acted out with the grace of Lawrence Olivier himself by none other than Marty McFly. Fox brings to the character a freewheeling, devil may care attitude, turning the werewolf from some crybaby pussy bitch into a swinging party dude! Finally, an undead creature that isn't a total homo.

Those of you who haven't seen this masterwork of filmmaking are probably creaming your jeans with joy right about now, and those of you who have will soon by creaming them in sorrow. Hang your heads low, children. MTV is remaking Teen Wolf.

I'll give you a moment to vomit with rage.

To be totally fair, the series hasn't even aired yet (for those of you who want to witness the trainwreck, it premieres June 6th). This will not, however, stop me from passing judgement on it, because I rule. But just because I want to give the new series its day in court, here is the trailer for the new show and the trailer for the classic film. Judge for yourself, and then if you disagree with me, you can walk away knowing you are wrong.

1) THE LEADING MAN. As I have said before, Michael J. Fox acts the shit out of his role as Scott Howard, a loserly young mensch who, on the first full moon after turning seventeen, becomes a wolfman. His father explains that this is a genetic condition, and that he too is a werewolf. The rest of the film is about basketball, drinking, and pulling your penis out in a crowd. Sounds great, right? The new series, however, abandons Fox for someone with less muscular dystrophy, some jackass named Tyler Posey. Two things immediately stick out for me: his last name is Posey, and his last name is Posey. No one named Posey could ever handle the J. Fox mantle. 'Nuff said.

2) THE LADIES. Pretty early on in the film, Scott Howard falls for Pamela Wells, a cheerleader who happens to be dating some jerkwad from another school, most likely populated only by athletes and bullies, human Scott's natural predators. But after discovering his werewolf-related basketball skills, Scott wins the heart of Pamela and, offscreen, murders her boyfriend and his family (this was never really brought up in the script, but it's pretty heavily hinted at). Pam was portrayed by Lorie Griffin, who did absolutely no acting. She showed up, flashed her boobs, and then sailed off into the sunset with the hero like a classy 80's Lady should. The new show features a skinny broad named Crystal Reed as the leading lady, Allison. Again, I haven't seen the show, but I'm going to presume that there are no boobs, because it's airing on MTV, which censors the holy fuck out of anything that may or may not be offensive. After all, nothing is more offensive than the human body, especially when that body has a vagina. Also, Ms. Reed was in Skyline, which was so awful the makers of Viagra suggest you should watch it if your erection lasts for more than four hours.

3) THE STORY. The original film had a quick, uptempo pace and an easy to relate to story. How many times have you been body checked by a black guy during a basketball game, or had your lady stolen by some asswipe from the rival school, or wanted to buy beer, and found yourself wishing you were a werewolf? All of us have faced this issue, and no one plays the every man like Michael J. Fox. Scott Howard is the awkward kid turned party animal that we all want to be, making his ninety minute adventure a beat we can all dance to. The new show has no story details released yet, but come on, you saw the trailer. That looks gay as hell. Love... Be afraid. That's got to be the gayest thing since Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Also, listen to that crappy voice over by Mr. Posey. "What's happening to me? What if she finds out?" If there's anything the original film taught us, it's that women love werewolves, because they are hairy and are great at basketball. Not only does this show not feature any basketball, it replaces it with lacrosse. No shit, dude. I just looked it up on the show's website. Basketball is the only sport in the world where crazy trick dunks are encouraged. Basketball invented the alley-oop, probably the coolest thing since breakdancing. Lacrosse is the exact opposite of basketball. Why not make the lead character a professional butterfly catcher while you're at it? This story blows.

All in all, I can't wait for this show to get cancelled. MTV is getting pretty good at making terrible, terrible television, so I'm sure that this will be an easy task for them. I, meanwhile, will be sitting pretty with my VHS of the original Teen Wolf, which is all I need to forget that this travesty had ever been made.

Why Mortal Kombat 9 is Better Than Boobs

Everyone loves boobs. They are awesome, and are usually close in proximity to vaginas, which are also awesome. That said, only one thing in the world is sexier than boobs, and that is ninjas killing each other.

As a lover of boobs and Mortal Kombat, I found myself full of confused emotions this past Tuesday, when the new Mortal Kombat came out. I was like, this is great, but I like boobs more.

WRONG.

Gentlemen, a new era has dawned, and ladies, I give you my deepest sympathies. Mortal Kombat 9 is the sexiest thing since sex.

Let me give you, my loyal follower, a brief summation of the features that both boobs and Mortal Kombat share.

1. Greatness

Let me now explain in greater detail the differences between these two wonderful gifts from the heavenly father, Corey Haim.

1. GRAPHICS. The visuals in the new MK are great. Any fan can appreciate this return to the 2D point-of-view that made the original Mortal Kombat and it's progenitors so cool. Boobs also look quite cool, but can obscure your vision if you get them too close to your face while you try to play.

MK-1, Boobs-0

2. GAMEPLAY. As a lifelong MK fan, I've seen the controls of the franchise go from shitty (MK1-4) to decent (Deadly Alliance-Armageddon) to great (this thing). Finding a perfect balance between the frenetic gameplay of the past and the tactical aspect of the recent titles was the smartest approach possible, and makes for a wonderful gameplay experience. Fatalities are slightly more difficult than they were in the past, but once you finally see Kung Lao use his razor hat to castrate some dumb jagwagon for the first time, you are rewarded not just with gratuitous violence, but also with pride. When I play with boobs, however, all I'm rewarded with is an erection. That's great and all, but I get those whenever I go to sleep, too. I don't get fatalities when I go to sleep, because years of playing video games has destroyed my ability to dream.

MK-2, Boobs-0

3. SOUND. This one is kind of difficult. MK has that nice retro-eighties-keyboard rock sound that's so cool these days. Problem is, every game nowadays has that. You ever get sick of this whole retro renaissance thing we've got going? I mean, I miss Castlevania 2 as much as anyone, but I also like how Rock Band 3 looks like it was made in 2010. This return to the past is getting kind of old, and I once spent two weeks in the summer of 1983. What a year to be alive! But boobs actually sound kinda cool. Like when you put a shell up to your ear and hear the ocean. If the developers had put microphones up to some chick's tits and used that as the soundtrack, this game would probably erase man's evolutionary desire to have sex. Alas...

MK-2, Boobs-1

4. SMELL. Boobs smell really good, but they could smell better. I've always wondered why women don't use bacon-scented perfume on their boobs. That might just make this a dead draw. The disc MK comes on also smells quite nice, like the inside of an EB Games, but it could smell nicer. Like bacon, for instance. I'll give 'em both a point for trying.

MK-3, Boobs-2

So what have we learned, kids? Boobs put up a hell of a fight, and still remain on my top eight list of Best Things Ever, but MK had it in the bag from the very beginning. No videogame will ever be able to replace boobs, but no boobs will ever be able to replace the sound of a robot ripping the limbs off of a blue ninja.

I Don't Care About Japan and Neither Do You

Children, it's time to get real. Japan is in a crisis. It is up to us, the mighty bloggers and unemployed hipsters of the world, to unite and finally do something about something. I urge all of my readers to reach into their wallets, take out their credit cards, and pre-order a copy of Pokemon Black at your local Best Buy. If every person who reads this blog does so, Japan will get a whole ten dollars, which is about as much as anyone is willing to give to support the Japan Relief Fund anyway.

The truth is no one cares more about Japan than I do, and I don't care about Japan at all. That said, I'm sick of seeing everyone put "Praying for Japan", or "Sending love to those in Japan" or whatever. It's not just the straight up vapidity of these statements, it's the obvious fallacy of them. If you really cared about Japan you'd do something about it.

Honestly. Do you know how easy it is to volunteer for the relief effort? Dial 416-916-0522 and talk to Steve Kepka, the North American GlobalMedic representative to find out how you can volunteer from the comforts of your own fucking home. That is literally the man's personal cell phone number. He is taking all calls. Really. This is absolutely not a joke.

How many of you really called? Exactly.

I found that shit on Google. But I guess calling someone and talking to them for five minutes and then referring callers to the GlobalMedic website or reporting donations, or really even donating, is too much of a hassle. Nah, let's all just pray. Yeah, that's just as good, right?

Look, I am honestly apathetic about the devastation this latest Godzilla attack has had on Japan. Let no one accuse me of donating any time and money to help Japan recover from Mother Nature's terrorism. Does that make me an asshole? Hell yeah it does. But at least I'm not a liar. So keep praying, kids! Maybe converting the Japanese to Christianity will stop the next tsunami/earthquake.

My Oscar Picks

Once a year, the stars of the silver screen congregate to pat each other on the back for all the hard work they've done. Actors and actresses lead pretty tough lives these days, kids. Doing cocaine for twenty hours straight and making $16,000,000 for two months work takes a lot out of you. And when was the last time you saw a celebrity receiving any small token of congratulation on a project of theirs? Some might say that their obscene paychecks, thousands of fans, and incredible good looks would be congratulations enough, but I say nay. If I had my way, every night would be Oscar night, so that every night I might see my favorite movie stars bare-knuckle box each other on a red carpet over a small plastic statue. Also, I always have an Oscar pool going. And to ensure my loyal fans know exactly who to pick in their own office pools, I give you MY 2011 OSCAR PICKS.

Those without my incredible award ceremony-related foresight may want to print these off. Those who point out that my last award predictions for the 2010 Grammy's were all wrong will be asked to leave. Seriously, dude, who cares about the Grammy's?

1)BEST PICTURE. Anyone who tells you they think Social Network is going to win is retarded. It was barely rooted in reality, and really, who gives a fuck about the origins of Facebook? It's 2011. Anyone who cared to know would have Wikipedia'd the subject years ago. Those who did would be the first to realize that absolutely nothing in Social Network is true. Jesse Eisenberg can kiss my ass. I'm giving this one a toss up between TRUE GRIT and TOY STORY 3. Both involve cowboys, so really it's the same film, except one is about drinking and revenge (my two favorite topics), and another is about toys and crying. Could go either way, people. Take your pick!

2) BEST DIRECTOR. Right off the bat, I want to give this one to DARREN ARONOFSKY for Black Swan. To be honest, I have no idea what this movie is about. I saw it three times. No clue. It's like Inception, Blade Runner, and Miss Congeniality 2 rolled into one. With dancing. But I must give credit to a man so ballsy as to make a film about ballet, probably the gayest thing since buttsex, and make it about murder and black facepaint. It's as if a bunch of Russian chicks made a movie about a KISS cover band. Plus, Queen Amidala is in it, so there you go.

3) BEST ACTOR. JEFF BRIDGES. 'Nuff said. True Grit is probably my favorite movie of the last year. I mean, cowboys, guns, alcohol, murder; all pretty much par for the course in my country club. But what makes this movie great? The Dude. Jeff Bridges is the man. He was in TRON, which is so badass it's unavailable on DVD. Anyone who disagrees with me is a fool. Of course, anyone who disagrees with me on anything is a fool, but in this case, you're a double fool. You're a dool. Jeff Bridges for the win!

4) BEST ACTRESS. No one cares.

5)BEST ANIMATED FEATURE. This one was tough for me, because I really couldn't pick a favorite amongst the three nominees. But if I have to choose, I'm going with DESPICABLE ME, starring Steve Carrell, that girl from iCarly, and a bunch of people from 30 Rock. For those who didn't catch this animated, 3D epic on the big screen, Despicable Me follows the adventures (or should I say misadventures!) of Gru, a lovable terrorist who adopts three pre-pubescent girls into his harem so that he may prostitute them to a rival supervillain to gain access to a stolen WMD. I'm not joking. That's the plot of Despicable Me. Also, the movie's not even nominated. I just hate Despicable Me and wanted everyone to know why I hate it. TOY STORY 3 will win, and everyone knows it.

6)BEST VISUAL EFFECTS. I wanted to end with this one, because it's the only category in which I have seen all of the nominated films. Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, Hereafter, Inception, and Iron Man 2 are all nominated, and I honestly could not care less who wins as long as Alice in Wonderland loses. Honestly. What could one possibly find original or even appealing about the visuals of a Tim Burton film? He uses black and white a lot and throws Johnny Depp in somewhere for good measure. Then Johnny Depp acts weird, gets paid, and we all go home disappointed. I hate Alice in Wonderland. Then again, exactly twelve people saw Hereafter, so that can't really contend against something with a built-in fanbase of Hot Topic shoppers, so I'm really counting on INCEPTION, HARRY POTTER, and IRON MAN 2 to send a message to Tim Burton: you still suck.