My Oscar Picks

Once a year, the stars of the silver screen congregate to pat each other on the back for all the hard work they've done. Actors and actresses lead pretty tough lives these days, kids. Doing cocaine for twenty hours straight and making $16,000,000 for two months work takes a lot out of you. And when was the last time you saw a celebrity receiving any small token of congratulation on a project of theirs? Some might say that their obscene paychecks, thousands of fans, and incredible good looks would be congratulations enough, but I say nay. If I had my way, every night would be Oscar night, so that every night I might see my favorite movie stars bare-knuckle box each other on a red carpet over a small plastic statue. Also, I always have an Oscar pool going. And to ensure my loyal fans know exactly who to pick in their own office pools, I give you MY 2011 OSCAR PICKS.

Those without my incredible award ceremony-related foresight may want to print these off. Those who point out that my last award predictions for the 2010 Grammy's were all wrong will be asked to leave. Seriously, dude, who cares about the Grammy's?

1)BEST PICTURE. Anyone who tells you they think Social Network is going to win is retarded. It was barely rooted in reality, and really, who gives a fuck about the origins of Facebook? It's 2011. Anyone who cared to know would have Wikipedia'd the subject years ago. Those who did would be the first to realize that absolutely nothing in Social Network is true. Jesse Eisenberg can kiss my ass. I'm giving this one a toss up between TRUE GRIT and TOY STORY 3. Both involve cowboys, so really it's the same film, except one is about drinking and revenge (my two favorite topics), and another is about toys and crying. Could go either way, people. Take your pick!

2) BEST DIRECTOR. Right off the bat, I want to give this one to DARREN ARONOFSKY for Black Swan. To be honest, I have no idea what this movie is about. I saw it three times. No clue. It's like Inception, Blade Runner, and Miss Congeniality 2 rolled into one. With dancing. But I must give credit to a man so ballsy as to make a film about ballet, probably the gayest thing since buttsex, and make it about murder and black facepaint. It's as if a bunch of Russian chicks made a movie about a KISS cover band. Plus, Queen Amidala is in it, so there you go.

3) BEST ACTOR. JEFF BRIDGES. 'Nuff said. True Grit is probably my favorite movie of the last year. I mean, cowboys, guns, alcohol, murder; all pretty much par for the course in my country club. But what makes this movie great? The Dude. Jeff Bridges is the man. He was in TRON, which is so badass it's unavailable on DVD. Anyone who disagrees with me is a fool. Of course, anyone who disagrees with me on anything is a fool, but in this case, you're a double fool. You're a dool. Jeff Bridges for the win!

4) BEST ACTRESS. No one cares.

5)BEST ANIMATED FEATURE. This one was tough for me, because I really couldn't pick a favorite amongst the three nominees. But if I have to choose, I'm going with DESPICABLE ME, starring Steve Carrell, that girl from iCarly, and a bunch of people from 30 Rock. For those who didn't catch this animated, 3D epic on the big screen, Despicable Me follows the adventures (or should I say misadventures!) of Gru, a lovable terrorist who adopts three pre-pubescent girls into his harem so that he may prostitute them to a rival supervillain to gain access to a stolen WMD. I'm not joking. That's the plot of Despicable Me. Also, the movie's not even nominated. I just hate Despicable Me and wanted everyone to know why I hate it. TOY STORY 3 will win, and everyone knows it.

6)BEST VISUAL EFFECTS. I wanted to end with this one, because it's the only category in which I have seen all of the nominated films. Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, Hereafter, Inception, and Iron Man 2 are all nominated, and I honestly could not care less who wins as long as Alice in Wonderland loses. Honestly. What could one possibly find original or even appealing about the visuals of a Tim Burton film? He uses black and white a lot and throws Johnny Depp in somewhere for good measure. Then Johnny Depp acts weird, gets paid, and we all go home disappointed. I hate Alice in Wonderland. Then again, exactly twelve people saw Hereafter, so that can't really contend against something with a built-in fanbase of Hot Topic shoppers, so I'm really counting on INCEPTION, HARRY POTTER, and IRON MAN 2 to send a message to Tim Burton: you still suck.