"My fingerless gloves are telling me this movie sucks!"
Look up 'summer 2011 movie trailers' on youTube right now and tell me you've found something worth watching. I mean it; tell me you have. Please, oh sweet Satan, tell me you found some scrap of a decent film to be viewed. For Christ's sake, July has barely even started and there's nothing to keep me entertained and happily air conditioned at the local cinema. I skipped the new Pirates of the Caribbean because of my pending lawsuit against Johnny Depp for ruining Tim Burton's career, and Transformers looks exactly like the other two movies (honestly, if you watched all of them in random order, could you tell which one was which?). Nothing good has come out. Luckily, plenty shit has come out, and the only thing better than reading reviews of great summer movies is listening to an insane idiot complain about crap on the Internet!
I AM NUMBER FOUR. And this movie is number two! Get it? Not number two as in, you know, two, but as in poo-poo. This movie is poo-poo! Seriously though, this movie was gaytarded. It's about this alien who crash lands on Earth and is fine for over a decade. But then, when he's old enough to be portrayed by a twenty-year-old, Lord Voldemort catches up to him on Earth, and tries to kill him. No reason is given, or needed, because Voldemort has no nose, and thus, is evil personified. The guy from Gone in 60 Seconds is in this. Nothing else of note. Who am I kidding, none of you saw this.
SOUL SURFER. When I heard of the premise for this one, about a dumb bitch who can't surf getting attacked by a shark, I thought it sounded terrific. As an added plus, it's the cheerleader brat from Tim Burton's remake of the film adaptation of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But lo, even the promise of tweens being mutilated by sharks cannot be held by Tinseltown these days. Allow me to ruin the whole fucking thing and just flat out tell you the shark isn't even in the movie. It's a little gray flash that's gone in a second. There is no blood. The bitch gets her fucking arm bitten off by a Mako shark and doesn't even scream. It's all downhill from there, as the rest of the movie is her learning that having one arm doesn't make you a bad person, and that a shark attack can't stop you from living your life. That's pretty disappointing, because from the outset I was told the shark attack might end her life.
CARS 2. They made a sequel of the worst Pixar movie, and yet I have to wait until 2013 to see Monsters University? The fuck?
X-MEN: FIRST CLASS. Let's all just agree that in the realm of comic book movies, how good a movie is as a standalone project is completely irrelevant. As a standalone, outside of the X-Men universe, this isn't bad. It's like a B, maybe even a B+. As an X-Men fan, though, I can't let this one slip. This movie skullfucks the shit (brains?) out of the X-Men canon. Angel Salvadore and Darwin debuted in the 2000s, Havik is Cyclops' younger brother, Professor Xavier did not know Mystique as a child. I know this makes me come off as a tubby, acne-stricken virgin, but everyone is allowed one childish Internet rant in their life. This is mine (my previous rants weren't childish, just loudly typed).
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. This movie already came out in January. Really. Look it up. Compare Friends With Benefits to No Strings Attached. It's the exact same film.
This summer blows. Not a single good superhero has a movie coming out. Captain America is Batman with Army training, Thor is unrelatable to us human viewers, and fuck the Green Lantern in the ass with a barbed-wire dildo. Super 8 looked good until I saw it had J.J. Abrams' name on it, and since he refuses to refund the money I spent on a ticket for Cloverfield, I'm protesting his latest venture, if only because my indignation is matched only by my spite.
