Devious Maids is a Big Piece of Shit

My television has been giving me a lot of bullshit lately about this show called Devious Maids. I literally cannot make it through a single episode of Top Chef or Next Food Network Star without seeing an ad for this piece of crap. Has anyone noticed lately how low the bar has sunk? In a completely unrelated note, did you know that Caucasian females have the largest cable network demographic? But I'm sure that has nothing to do with why this show is unwatchable.

If any women are reading this, please, for the love of Allah, tell me how that sold you. According to TV By the Numbers, two million of you idiots tuned in to the pilot, which is really saying something, because watching that ad, I can't even tell what the show is about. I see five vaguely ethnic women in maid costumes running around a whole bunch of rich white people doing... stuff. Just random tasks. While this ballet of retardation unfolds, we hear an annoying voice bleat out such poetry as, 'bling-bling', and 'dirty rich, dirty rich' over and over. It sounds like they told a five-year-old to use as few words as possible to describe what she saw. Dirty. Rich. Bling. Rich. And again, as moronic as that sounds, it got two million people to watch an hour long show. Fuck.

Being the maverick that I am, I decided to give these hoes a day in court. After all, this is America, and before we take the dregs of our society behind the shed and shoot them, we have to act like we don't want to. Now, I haven't seen the actual pilot, but as in the case of Teen Wolf, it will not stop me from passing judgement on the rest of the series. Also, I put on the second episode last night while I was waiting for the new Venture Bros. to come on.

I'm putting this here so that Marc Cherry, creator of Devious Maids cannot truthfully say that I wrote an entire article about his shitty show. Also, Venture Bros. rules.

The episode starts off with the five high-end call girls you saw standing around not being maids in the ad eating lunch and gossiping about their employers. This is what writers call a hook, or an opening scene meant to grab the target audience. Rather than a scene involving exposition or character development, this show chose eating and spreading rumors, which are the two things women in America do best. After eating, the maid Wikipedia calls Marisol (racist) begins asking questions about a murder victim whose job she took (that happened in the first episode. I know it seems important, but trust me, it really isn't). Rather than giving her a straightforward answer like an adult would, none of the maids tell her anything specific about the dead girl or her employers. The violins in the background started playing louder when Marisol brought up the murder, so that tells me the family that employed the dead girl probably had something to do with her death. Don't you just love it when the music tells you what's happening in the story and not the actual fucking writing?

Hard work.

From there we cut yet again to the five 'maids' not doing their jobs. This time they're relaxing by some gigantic pool drinking martinis. Are we going to see these maids do any actual maid stuff in this show? Because so far, all they've done is talk about how much it sucks to be a maid while they sat around. Suddenly, another employee of the house (this time a black dude, who'd a thunk it?) bursts onto the scene and begins chastising the women for sitting around when they should be working. Clearly this guy is supposed to be the downer of the show. I mean, what kind of dickhead expects women to do what they're paid to do? Doesn't he know how hard it is to be a maid?

 Seeing the black guy as an enormous threat to her drinking and anti-labor, one of the maids (Wikipedia says 'Carmen', I say they wrote down every pseudo-Latina name that came to mind short of Juanita and slapped them at random across the caramel foreheads of these poor five actresses) jumps on the black dude's shit and starts making out with him. Bordering on prostitution, Carmen uses this sexual leverage to get her friends as much booze and relaxation time as they want. I guess being a maid must be really, really hard considering how much time these bitches need to sleep/drink/skank it up.

Seriously, how do these cunts stay employed?

I had seen enough. I dropkicked my television in disgust. How could any woman with half a brain cell debase herself by watching this crap? Devious Maids is insultingly stupid. I really feel like the Lifetime network may be the most openly anti-woman network on the air today, which would be a good thing if all of their shows weren't terrible. Lifetime seems to exist solely to sell women a reason for the world to hate them. I thought Devious Maids might just be the worst television show I had ever seen, until this played during a commercial break.

That's a show about nothing but gigantic tits. Lifetime took that beautiful concept and made it into a somehow awful looking television show. I guess that goes to show how fat women can ruin pretty much anything.