I don't understand what it is about this holiday that makes everyone want to be something they're not; in this case, extremely drunk. But even people who can legitimately claim a shred of Irish heritage must understand that acting like a drunken buffoon only dishonors their Irish ancestry. How would people react to a Black History Month special that featured blackface performances of Jim Crow plays? What would the Hispanic community say about a Cinco de Mayo that involved cleaning white people's houses? Yet once a year, the Irish (read: white) community comes out of the woodwork to publicly shame themselves in bars and discotheques across America, and then later on, again in the bathroom
If you have any respect for the country of Ireland, or are just plain not racist, you won't want to celebrate St. Patrick's Day unless you do so properly. Here's a list of perfectly acceptable ways to reflect on your alleged ancestry on the one day a year you decide it's important to you.
1) EAT A SHIT TON. So you don't want to drink yourself fucking retarded this year, but still want to gorge yourself on stuff that's terrible for you? Well put down the crystal meth and pick up three or four plates of corn beef hash, because in the Episcopalian pantheon, March 17 is a feast day. Instead of wasting your Monday on a tavern floor, waste it in a booth at Arby's, where Reuben sandwiches are two for one all day! That's not even a fucking joke. Got get some Arby's!
2) KILL SNAKES. Remember the Whacking Day episode of The Simpsons? Reenact that shit and make St. Patrick proud! I doubt any animal rights collectives would even be pissed, because really, who likes snakes? Snakes suck! Of course, people who are familiar with Ireland's zoological history will tell you that there were never snakes in Ireland, and that this legend is actually an allegory for St. Patrick's stance against traditional Irish Druidism. So the only Irish holiday most people celebrate is really about an English guy showing up and telling people they're believing in the wrong god(s). Funny.
3) PLANT A TREE. St. Patrick once turned his trusty walking stick into a tree, and seeing as St. Patrick's mythos has more metaphorical imagery than a Kubrick film, I wouldn't be surprised if this story was actually about curing erectile dysfunction. Still, as a staunch supporter of Michelle Obama's Let's Move! initiative, I'm legally required to tell all of you to be less fat and go outside more. Seriously, she's making me do it. She's right here, behind me, making me type all of this. Why won't anybody stop her?
4) HAVE A PARADE, NO HOMO. If there's one parade the gays have been dying to get their glittered gloves on, it's the NYC St. Patrick's day parade. Maybe it's just because I'm a New York native transplanted to a mostly parade-free New Hampshire, but hot damn do I love a parade. Not seeing them in person, of course, but watching them from the comfort of my own futon. This affords numerous benefits; I don't have to worry about people pinching me because of my all out refusal towards made up traditions, and I can play Mass Effect during the commercials.Taking a note from Thanksgiving, St. Patrick's Day comes complete with a pretty extravagant parade through New York City, albeit with tons of policemen everywhere. Unlike the Macy's Parade, however, the Irish parade (I'm tired of typing out the guy's name) upholds a long-standing Irish tradition of not trusting butt pirates. In fact, this year several corporate sponsors withdrew from the parade citing the homophobic bylaw as their main bugaboo. You'd think this policy would have come under fire before 2014, especially considering it takes place in New York City, Boston's gay older brother, but that goes to show just how little most government officials care about the gays. But did a lack of funding and alcohol stop those plucky Irish bastards? Fuck no! The parade went off without a hitch, further reminding Irish-Americans across the country that there is absolutely nothing gay about men wearing miniskirts and thigh-high socks.
