Reading Articles on Yahoo! Makes You Stupider

Our logo is a big Y! As in, "why are you reading this?"

It seems like nowadays there are two kinds of idiots in the world: the ignorant and the stupid. To some, these terms are interchangeable, but there are actually quite a few differences. An ignorant person is someone who can't read, and therefore can't educate themselves. These people suck, because they're generally poor, and poor people are the neediest fucks in the world. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a homeless dude who didn't have an iPod? There used to be a time when homeless people were willing to work for food and money. Not so in today's "do nothing, get everything" society, with the MTV and the ninety-nine percenters littering the streets like the human waste they are. Homeless people are like women; always expecting to be treated better than they deserve. If you were really desperate for food, money, or shelter, you'd be willing to fight your fellow hobos to the death on Pay-Per-View television and support the economy, you lazy sack-lickers.

The other kind of idiots are the truly stupid, or those who are educated as well or better than you might expect, yet still do the dumbest things you could think of, like voting to legalize marijuana, or worse, posting articles from Yahoo! on their FaceBook pages. Let me make one thing clear:

WE KNOW YOU CAN READ, SO FUCK OFF.

The only people who make a point of telling other people all the stupid little articles they read on Yahoo! are the people who think you don't know they can read. These people are so afraid of looking dumb, they inadvertently reveal how borderline retarded they truly are. If you possess the intellectual faculties necessary to set up an account on a social networking site, I assume you can read, at least on a basic level. You may still be dumb as shit, but at least you can read. But going out of your way to tell all your friends about the moronic articles you find important is inexcusable. I don't care. No one cares. Just, please, stop.

But I think I might be able to excuse people who put links to Yahoo! articles on their FaceBook pages (and tacitly, everyone's feed) if the articles were halfway intelligent. They aren't. Yahoo! News propagates the most inane, asinine pseudo-journalism this side of Arianna Huffington's bush. Yes, I know you think SOPA is bad. Shut your wet mouth about it. Sometimes I wish internet censorship really did exist (if you actually read the proposed bills, you'd know it didn't), just so B-Hussein could remove every last "stop SOPA" article from Yahoo! News.

My other favorite Yahoo! News articles include:

1) WORLD'S LONGEST MARRIED COUPLE! Wow, old people doing it! With stories this exciting, I can see why you need an exclamation point at the end of your name, Yahoo!.

2) MITT ROMNEY GLITTERBOMBED! This one I will admit I thought was interesting at first, but only because I read the 'bombed' part after Mitt Romney's name and assumed the favor I called in to my buddies in Hezbollah went through. Alas, it was just two retarded queerbags throwing glitter at him. That'll teach you to run for president in a country with a less than one percent gay population, Rombo!

3) LESLIE CARTER DEAD! No one knew who the fuck this cunt was until she died. Matter of fact, I don't think anyone knows now, either. So who gives a shit?

4) BEST BUFFALO HOTWINGS IN AMERICA! Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut has the best hot wings in the fucking world, let alone America. Any straight man could tell you this without any help from a shitty "news" site like Yahoo!. Even so, who would be interested in an hot wings except men and bulldyke lesbos? What is the intended audience of this article?

None of these are news. No one cares about this shit, so stop wiping it all over your FaceBook pages like little Stupidity Scout badges of honor. Nobody with a brain wants to read this shit, because then they'd be as stupid as you.

In all honesty, why would you want anyone to know you find this interesting? It's pretty shameful. Why not just tell everyone what your taste in Japanese animated pornography is while you're at it? At least then you'd look intelligent, because only nerds and Asians jerk it to anime, and according to Yahoo! News, Snooki thinks nerds and Asians are smart!

Stop Your Bitching, Hippies

There's a lot of bullshit on the internet right now about the suspension of habeas corpus, and the National Defense Authorization Act 2012, and how Obama has become the worst president since Carter overnight. I must admit, I'm not a big supporter of Obama, because he talks with his hands like a fucking idiot, and he's biracial. As a fellow biracial American, I think it's my duty to inform you gullible, naive one-racers that we're not to be trusted. Having two races gives us the advantages of both with none of the drawbacks. Every biracial human is a Blade, and you elected one to the highest office of power in the world. What the fuck did you expect to happen?

But I cannot be entirely auspicious towards B-Hussein this time, if only because I really feel like no foul has been made on his side of the court. The NDAA was passed without a hitch, and suddenly every jackass with a MacBook and a hacky-sack goes shithouse rat all over YouTube. What the fuck? They pass a new NDAA every year, and have for the last forty eight years. What's the problem with this one?

Well, it seems the Occupy Generation is at it again, complaining in the streets and furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to grasp what is for them imperceptible. Yes, the President has the right to institute martial law. He always has. What the fuck are you idiots trying to prove, that Obama is the forty-fourth corrupt president? Does keeping the rights oathbound to his office make him a fascist? That's like saying a police officer is a racist unless he stops arresting black people.

Firstly, habeas corpus, despite what you may have heard from Chet, your pothead roommate "who's totally political brah", is not a fucking right. It is a privilege, and is spoken of as such in the Constitution of this once-literate country. Second of all, indefinite detention, or the suspension of habeas corpus, has always been a right of office of the president. Just because the president still has that right doesn't mean he's the new Hitler. Thirdly, the NDAA doesn't even expressly say US citizens are to be indefinitely detained, even though (again) that's well within the president's powers. The article in question simply reiterates the powers originally drafted in the Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Terrorists instituted by GW right after 9/11. In short, play nice and you have nothing to worry about.

So what does any of this mean to the rational, law-abiding American citizen? Absolutely nothing. No laws have changed, no dark cabal has upended democracy, and Obama isn't going to order random arrests in the streets, because habeas corpus has not been suspended. This isn't Iraq, geniuses.

But to any of you who may be occupying a certain street in New York, it means deep shit. Have fun fighting for... what the hell were you guys fighting for again? Never mind. Don't drop the soap, kids!

Fuck Occupy Wall Street

I hate the Occupy Wall Street movement more than anything I have ever hated in my entire life, and I have hated almost everyone and everything I have ever encountered. I hate the people that support it, I hate the fact that it preempts episodes of Top Chef, and I especially hate how it has become the polestar of my generation's zeitgeist. When the history books collect my generation's contributions to mankind, this is the bullshit they will write of. This, and our love of PBR and Fleet Foxes.

When I first heard of the OWS protests through a friend of mine, I thought, "great!", because I love it when a group of people come together to crush fiduciary efficiency and fiscal solvency. Then I heard about on TV. Then I read about in the papers. Then I read about it on FaceBook. By the time a second friend of mine tried to tell me about it almost two weeks later, I began wondering why the hell this thing was still going on. I guess those hippies must be pretty well organized in order to maintain a basecamp for so long in on of New York City's most crowded areas.

WRONG.

Take a look at this and scroll down to the comments. At a cursory glance, it appears the hippies are fighting socioeconomic equality through complaining, a common tactic employed by those whose contributions to the world can be summed up in toilet flushes and trips to organic co-ops. Okay, I've seen shit like this before. Why's this time any different?

Because none of the protesters know what they're protesting about.

For fuck's sake, these idiots have a website dedicated solely to letting people know what they want, yet no one at the protest itself knows? Is there no Wi-Fi at these things anymore? Also, as much as these idiots try to make it look like they're suffering for their cause, the more videos I see, the more I think it looks like one big party.

That aside, even if they could get their facts straight and unite under one demand (it's been almost a month, nothing so far), it would still be a stupid one. The major claim made by these twats is that 1% of America controls the other 99%, and that this line is divided by wealth and taxation. The top one percent of American breadwinners pay "no taxes". What they don't understand is the next few steps down are far from the working class. The cutoff line is about $600,000 earned annually. That's what a D-list MLB player earns. How the fuck is that middle class?

Speaking of major league athletes, Derek Jeter makes $18.9 million dollars a year, not counting endorsements. Ochocinco makes about $5 million. And yet, it's all "the corporations" who are sucking up the money in this country, right? Major league athletes definitely aren't greedy crybabies at all. Hell, athletes aren't the biggest money sponges in the country either. Metallica's James Hetfield is worth $175 million. Dave Grohl is worth $200 million. Rage Against the Machine's first album has gone triple platinum since its release in 1993, yet Tom Morello feels like no one can complain about being poor without him.

If you really want to change how money is handled in this country, get off your skinny jean wearing ass and get a job. But if you feel you must blame others for how little your liberal arts degree is worth, do something other than complain. You can do what these upstanding gentlemen are doing, by withdrawing all of their money from all FDIC banks in America. Of course, they don't realize this could potentially restart that never ending circle of bailouts that everyone was talking about a few years ago, but hey, at least they're trying.

If You Celebrate Queer History Month, You're Gaytarded

JK Rowling preparing a squad of young wizards to go kill gay people.

The minute any group of people gets a 'history month', a black cloud of shame and farts is brought down upon those people like a plague of locusts. Black History months is the most derogatory statement made by White America about black people; that literally all of their contributions to society can be a) condensed into one month, and b) are only defined by the white people who appreciate them. All anyone talks about during Black History month is what an important figure in American History Martin Luther King was (no, he wasn't a doctor). Too bad it took damn near forty years for every state to observe it as a federal holiday. Also, why is Martin Luther King the only black civil rights leader worth remembering (Rosa Parks doesn't count)? Because Malcolm X, Huey P. Newton, and H. Rap Brown did absolutely nothing.

But you know something? Fine. Let's carve a month out of the calendar to talk about black history and make all the white people in the world who think racist things when the black cashier at their grocery store screws up the change feel better about themselves. After all, it's only one month, right?

Except there are three friggin' more history months observed in the United States: Women's History Month, South Asian Heritage Month, and the newest, Queer History Month.

I'm not going to waste two respective sentences on how fucking inane Women's History Month and South Asian Heritage Month are. Women have done absolutely nothing of note in the history of existence except sew, cook, and invent soccer, and I prefer North Asian people to South Asians, because North Asians aren't so fucking pretentious they demand a whole month to acknowledge them. Queer History Month I will talk about however, if only because I'd never heard of it before.

In fact, it isn't even on Wikipedia as of this post, but that's only because Queer History month doesn't exist; since its inception in 1994, it's always been called LGBT History Month. So why the sudden change? Why waste more paiper-mache letters when LGBT is so much shorter than queer?

The truth is America has turned the gay community into a petting zoo; you can walk in, feed the gays, pretend that you care about their well-being and then buy a t-shirt on the way out to show the world that you kinda care about gay marriage, which is still illegal in forty-one states. Gay has become a race, meaning if you have a gay person in your school, community, or organization, you qualify as 'diverse'. Bullshit. Social diversity means people taken from all tax brackets, communities, states, educational institutes, political agendas. Diversity cannot be boiled down to race. A gang of white supremacists don't magically become all-inclusive when half of them become gay.

If you take any time at all out of your life to acknowledge Queer History Month, you are lowering the IQ of everyone around you, becoming a walking vortex of stupidity. Setting aside a month for 'queer history' does about as much for the gay community as changing your FaceBook profile picture does to stop child abuse. If you really want to support gay politics or contribute to the gay community, don't just sit on your ass for thirty days pretending you're being progressive by reading gay poetry and watching Milk on Netflix. This month is bullshit.

MTV Rips Itself Off

Are you laughing yet? Neither am I!

I hate Tosh.0. It's a terrible concept, unfunny, annoying, and unoriginal. I could see the need for a program centering around funny internet videos in a world without YouTube, but since anyone can see the videos Daniel Tosh airs in lieu of original content, the notion of devoting half an hour of your life to this jackass prancing around in front of a green screen making snarky remarks once a week is insulting to the collective intelligence of the world.

I might even be able to see some point in watching the show if Daniel Tosh was smarter than me, or funnier, or clever, but then again, being smarter than a twenty-year-old is a hard standard to set for someone who works in television. I could even see past the vapid, humorless writing if the program showcased relatively new clips, but alas, Tosh seems to focus on the same internet videos you were emailed in 2006. Fuck Tosh.0.

And fuck Ridiculousness even harder. You remember all that stuff about Tosh.0 being irrelevant in 2011? Consider the fact that it first aired in 2009, and now consider it airing in August of 2011 and hosted by someone who didn't get enough oxygen as a child. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ridiculousness.

Rob Dyrdek may be the least talented man in the world. A high school dropout turned "professional athlete" (extreme sports aren't really sports, kids) turned television star, Dyrdek peddles the same "oh my God, that's so crazy!" bullshit that everyone on MTV does. Again, this might be excusable if it were an original concept, but guess what? It isn't. Dyrdek is doing what Bam Margera did in 2003, Johnny Knoxville did in 2000, and Beavis & Butthead did in 1993. Almost twenty years later, it isn't fucking funny.

Even the YouTube clip show idea is a stolen one. America's Funniest Home Videos aside, WebJunk20 (starring the fucking incredible Patrice Oneal) was Tosh.0 with actual jokes and laughter and stuff a whole three years before on VH1.

What am I getting to exactly? Well, Ridiculousness is an unfunny ripoff of Tosh.0, an unfunny ripoff for one. But hey, I can see why MTV would want to steal that idea. I hate it, but I'll be honest and admit that Tosh.0 does pretty well in the ratings (for some fucking reason). Maybe MTV isn't so stupid after all.

Oh wait, MTV owns Comedy Central. They own Tosh.0.

So why do they want us to watch two of these fucking shows?

The only reason I can ascertain is MTV's love of stupid, gullible teenagers. YouTube is the wave of the future, and modern media needs to follow it's model. This, unfortunately, means that whatever is popular on YouTube, like say, this fucking bullshit, is what we're going to see a lot more of. Weep, my children, as YouTube and MTV combine to form a Reese's Cup of utter chaos and planetary destruction. Say goodbye to entertainment, and say hello to Rob Dyrdek.

Shitty Movies I've Seen Recently

"My fingerless gloves are telling me this movie sucks!"

Look up 'summer 2011 movie trailers' on youTube right now and tell me you've found something worth watching. I mean it; tell me you have. Please, oh sweet Satan, tell me you found some scrap of a decent film to be viewed. For Christ's sake, July has barely even started and there's nothing to keep me entertained and happily air conditioned at the local cinema. I skipped the new Pirates of the Caribbean because of my pending lawsuit against Johnny Depp for ruining Tim Burton's career, and Transformers looks exactly like the other two movies (honestly, if you watched all of them in random order, could you tell which one was which?). Nothing good has come out. Luckily, plenty shit has come out, and the only thing better than reading reviews of great summer movies is listening to an insane idiot complain about crap on the Internet!

I AM NUMBER FOUR. And this movie is number two! Get it? Not number two as in, you know, two, but as in poo-poo. This movie is poo-poo! Seriously though, this movie was gaytarded. It's about this alien who crash lands on Earth and is fine for over a decade. But then, when he's old enough to be portrayed by a twenty-year-old, Lord Voldemort catches up to him on Earth, and tries to kill him. No reason is given, or needed, because Voldemort has no nose, and thus, is evil personified. The guy from Gone in 60 Seconds is in this. Nothing else of note. Who am I kidding, none of you saw this.

SOUL SURFER. When I heard of the premise for this one, about a dumb bitch who can't surf getting attacked by a shark, I thought it sounded terrific. As an added plus, it's the cheerleader brat from Tim Burton's remake of the film adaptation of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But lo, even the promise of tweens being mutilated by sharks cannot be held by Tinseltown these days. Allow me to ruin the whole fucking thing and just flat out tell you the shark isn't even in the movie. It's a little gray flash that's gone in a second. There is no blood. The bitch gets her fucking arm bitten off by a Mako shark and doesn't even scream. It's all downhill from there, as the rest of the movie is her learning that having one arm doesn't make you a bad person, and that a shark attack can't stop you from living your life. That's pretty disappointing, because from the outset I was told the shark attack might end her life.

CARS 2. They made a sequel of the worst Pixar movie, and yet I have to wait until 2013 to see Monsters University? The fuck?

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS. Let's all just agree that in the realm of comic book movies, how good a movie is as a standalone project is completely irrelevant. As a standalone, outside of the X-Men universe, this isn't bad. It's like a B, maybe even a B+. As an X-Men fan, though, I can't let this one slip. This movie skullfucks the shit (brains?) out of the X-Men canon. Angel Salvadore and Darwin debuted in the 2000s, Havik is Cyclops' younger brother, Professor Xavier did not know Mystique as a child. I know this makes me come off as a tubby, acne-stricken virgin, but everyone is allowed one childish Internet rant in their life. This is mine (my previous rants weren't childish, just loudly typed).

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. This movie already came out in January. Really. Look it up. Compare Friends With Benefits to No Strings Attached. It's the exact same film.

This summer blows. Not a single good superhero has a movie coming out. Captain America is Batman with Army training, Thor is unrelatable to us human viewers, and fuck the Green Lantern in the ass with a barbed-wire dildo. Super 8 looked good until I saw it had J.J. Abrams' name on it, and since he refuses to refund the money I spent on a ticket for Cloverfield, I'm protesting his latest venture, if only because my indignation is matched only by my spite.

The New Teen Wolf Sucks Balls

Think about werewolves for a second, and make a short list of the things that come to mind. If you're anything like me, Michael J. Fox is the first thing that pops into your head. His 1985 masterpiece, Teen Wolf, represents the pinnacle of both werewolf cinema and Michael J. Fox films. It is literally the greatest lycanthropy-based film I have ever seen.

Every aspect of wolf culture is represented expertly by Mr. J. Fox and company; the wolf's transformation, full moons, the wolf's incredible basketball skills, his charisma with the ladies, his need to drink beer. Everything you could want in a werewolf movie is not only given to the viewers in classic 50's monster movie style, it is acted out with the grace of Lawrence Olivier himself by none other than Marty McFly. Fox brings to the character a freewheeling, devil may care attitude, turning the werewolf from some crybaby pussy bitch into a swinging party dude! Finally, an undead creature that isn't a total homo.

Those of you who haven't seen this masterwork of filmmaking are probably creaming your jeans with joy right about now, and those of you who have will soon by creaming them in sorrow. Hang your heads low, children. MTV is remaking Teen Wolf.

I'll give you a moment to vomit with rage.

To be totally fair, the series hasn't even aired yet (for those of you who want to witness the trainwreck, it premieres June 6th). This will not, however, stop me from passing judgement on it, because I rule. But just because I want to give the new series its day in court, here is the trailer for the new show and the trailer for the classic film. Judge for yourself, and then if you disagree with me, you can walk away knowing you are wrong.

1) THE LEADING MAN. As I have said before, Michael J. Fox acts the shit out of his role as Scott Howard, a loserly young mensch who, on the first full moon after turning seventeen, becomes a wolfman. His father explains that this is a genetic condition, and that he too is a werewolf. The rest of the film is about basketball, drinking, and pulling your penis out in a crowd. Sounds great, right? The new series, however, abandons Fox for someone with less muscular dystrophy, some jackass named Tyler Posey. Two things immediately stick out for me: his last name is Posey, and his last name is Posey. No one named Posey could ever handle the J. Fox mantle. 'Nuff said.

2) THE LADIES. Pretty early on in the film, Scott Howard falls for Pamela Wells, a cheerleader who happens to be dating some jerkwad from another school, most likely populated only by athletes and bullies, human Scott's natural predators. But after discovering his werewolf-related basketball skills, Scott wins the heart of Pamela and, offscreen, murders her boyfriend and his family (this was never really brought up in the script, but it's pretty heavily hinted at). Pam was portrayed by Lorie Griffin, who did absolutely no acting. She showed up, flashed her boobs, and then sailed off into the sunset with the hero like a classy 80's Lady should. The new show features a skinny broad named Crystal Reed as the leading lady, Allison. Again, I haven't seen the show, but I'm going to presume that there are no boobs, because it's airing on MTV, which censors the holy fuck out of anything that may or may not be offensive. After all, nothing is more offensive than the human body, especially when that body has a vagina. Also, Ms. Reed was in Skyline, which was so awful the makers of Viagra suggest you should watch it if your erection lasts for more than four hours.

3) THE STORY. The original film had a quick, uptempo pace and an easy to relate to story. How many times have you been body checked by a black guy during a basketball game, or had your lady stolen by some asswipe from the rival school, or wanted to buy beer, and found yourself wishing you were a werewolf? All of us have faced this issue, and no one plays the every man like Michael J. Fox. Scott Howard is the awkward kid turned party animal that we all want to be, making his ninety minute adventure a beat we can all dance to. The new show has no story details released yet, but come on, you saw the trailer. That looks gay as hell. Love... Be afraid. That's got to be the gayest thing since Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Also, listen to that crappy voice over by Mr. Posey. "What's happening to me? What if she finds out?" If there's anything the original film taught us, it's that women love werewolves, because they are hairy and are great at basketball. Not only does this show not feature any basketball, it replaces it with lacrosse. No shit, dude. I just looked it up on the show's website. Basketball is the only sport in the world where crazy trick dunks are encouraged. Basketball invented the alley-oop, probably the coolest thing since breakdancing. Lacrosse is the exact opposite of basketball. Why not make the lead character a professional butterfly catcher while you're at it? This story blows.

All in all, I can't wait for this show to get cancelled. MTV is getting pretty good at making terrible, terrible television, so I'm sure that this will be an easy task for them. I, meanwhile, will be sitting pretty with my VHS of the original Teen Wolf, which is all I need to forget that this travesty had ever been made.