Jesus!

The other day I was visited upon by a cadre of charismatic Christians. I'll say it now and in capitals , so even liberals can read it :THEY CAME TO MY DOOR!

They knocked on my knocker-thing , and buzzed me , and even began their stupid pitch before I opened the door. And just as 'I have a gun' was leaving my lips , they happily let themselves into this man's home .

There were three of them , two dudes and a lady . She was quite striking . She had the kind of face that gave me an erection , and the kind of breasts that made me want to do cocaine and have unprotected sex with her over and over again.

They sat themnselves on my couch and began spouting off about some dude with a really long name . "Our Lord In Heaven" some such crap . Anyway , it turns out this guy is Jesus . Why these punks can't just say Jesus is beyond me .

So Jesus died for my sins apparently. I stopped them there , giving them the crossing guard's hand. Translation: talk to it or walk through it.

I began with the first one . Jesus died for my sins . Bullshit . Jesus didn't die , he was killed . More accurately , he was nailed to a big peice of wood by the Romans and stabbed by the guy from Wildboyz . To say that he died would be like saying a man who was brutally raped by polar bears with chainsaw penises 'passed away peacefully' .

And my sins ? When I walk into a room , my smile blows the clothes off of women . I'm not going to give up my incredible sex life , hundreds of girlfriends and amateur porn career because some Jew got 'nailed' two thousand years ago .

These and many other truth bombs blew the minds of the two dudes , and the vagina of the one chick . But they still clung to their beliefs like weak , narrow-minded simpletons in need of a crutch to sustain them and take responsibility for their stupidity . They told me Jesus wanted to put a light in side me . That was the last straw ! First Jesus wants my soul , now he wants to stick a Zippo up my ass ?! I threw them out like yesterday's garbage .

The next day I got a subpoena from the Church of Latter Day Saints and spent twenty minutes laughing at 'subpoena' .

This Goth Chick

There's this goth chick on the forums who goes by the name of 'Raven' . Ooh , I totally haven't heard of a goth girl named Raven before . Does she listen to Kate Bush and cry a lot ? Jesus.

Anyway , she goes on about how totally f'ed up her life is and how she struggles to make it through a dark world . She also likes to put up ads for anti-abuse hotlines and women's centers all over her journal . So I made a cheerful post on her journal in an effort to turn her life around with a ten-ton truth bomb.

"I haven't seen domestic abuse ads this close to crap since I took a dump at the YWCA."

Should've done the trick right ? Wrong , wrong , wrong . She gets the moderators on me , running their mouths about how I offended the writer . Pardon me , but the writer is an idiot , and therefore needs to be verbally humiliated. Why ? Simple: shock therapy . This chick obviously doesn't know how annoyingly needy she's coming across as. So I told her . Pardon me , but when did it become offensive to tell people when someone farts in a crowded room , rather than let everyone drink the swampass in ?

That bitch has some serious growing up to do .