The Sex Was Great

Thanks for last night . The sex was great . But as you were tonguing my nads , a thought ocurred to me : I am so much better at sex than you are . I mean , don't get me wrong , you were great . But there's a fine line between great and awesome . And there's a huge line between great and ME .

I love you . Honest Injun , sweet thang . What was your name again ? Shut up , it doesn't matter . I love you so much , I've provided a few notes for you , so that you might improve your performance slightly next time . I mean , I know how nervous you must have been when I whipped my hairy dong in all it's glory , but you need to move past that . If you're going to continue your career as a skank , you need to pull your head out of your ass and know that sex is a two way street , and I'm driving a special car that takes up two lanes .

1) STOP TALKING . Seriously , shut the hell up . I'm doing all the work topside , and all you can do is say , "Oh God , right there" , or "Yes , you're amazing , do it again" . No 'thank you's ? I mean , if you're going to be an inappreciative little ho-mama , you can just lay back and take it . And 'right there' , and 'do it again' ? I do not take orders from someone who lives at the bus station , I can tell you .

2)WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR. When was the last time you did laundry ? Was Reagan president ? If you really are addicted to wearing dirty-ass undies , the least you could do would be wear fashionable dirty-ass undies . G-strings and thongs ? Don't you ladies know that crotchless is back in this season ?

3) REMEMBER MY NAME . I don't know who Frank is , and I don't wanna know how exactly being nailed by me reminds you of him .

4)BUY A BETTER CAR . I really am sorry about knocking the cigarette lighter onto your ankle , but that's what you get for driving a cheap Jew canoe . I mean , when was the last time anyone used the cigarette lighter ? You're supposed to plug your cell phone charger in there now , dum-dum . Jesus Christ , get with the times .

5) SHOW THIS TO YOUR FRIENDS . I want them to know . Because soon , in a night as black as a Raven's breast , the passion , she will come for them . And when it does , I want a decent lay this time . But seriously , you were great in an ironic way .

 

Something Was Wrong

I knew something was wrong when I woke up without my kidney . I mean , when you walk into the doctor's office looking for medical advice , there's a certain amount of trust involved between doctor and patient , right ?

But that's what I get for visiting downtown Newark , AKA The Ingrown Hair on America's Taint . Sidebar : Newark is not to be confused with New Orleans , America's Shit-Stained Asshole .

I suppose the story started when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach . I then began to hear bubbling noises in my gullet . This was a sign of two things ; either a) mud butt , or b) the consumption !

Knowing my hour was at hand , I sought out a medicine man . After searching for a good seven or eight minutes , I gave up and asked a real doctor . Of course , he didn't really look like a real doctor , more like a homeless person . But hey , I guess that's the economy for you , right ?

So the Doctor , who said his name was Jerkin Slippyfist , punched me in the face and ripped my clothes off . I didn't need an explanation : the economy again . He just couldn't afford anesthesia or scissors . I understood completely .

But when I awoke , a deep ache in my anus and a bloody wound in my side , I knew something was wrong . That's the last time I ever see a black doctor .