I hate indie music. The genre is in and of itself a sham. You have shaggy hair, where your little sister size 28 jeans and you own twenty fedoras; you're indie. Do you assbags even remember what 'indie' is short for? Indifferent? Indecipherable lyrics? It used to mean 'independent', but guess what?
WHEN MTV PLUGS YOUR ALBUM, YOU ARE NO LONGER INDEPENDENT.
You holes. Fuck you. I hate your smug sense of self-satisfaction, your horrible pubestaches, and your love of male ass. I'm not a homophobe, I'm a homo-... what's the Latin suffix that denotes hatred? I forget. I haven't even touched down on the fact that the music is just terrible. All indie bands sound exactly alike. They rip off the Beatles constantly, and honestly, the Beatles are pretty overrated. What's worse is that they talk about 'rocking out' a lot. Bitch, say what? You don't rock, you blow softly. I mean, I understand it's hard to rock when Megadeth put out an album last year that rocks so hard I'm about to cum. Megadeth rocks, kung fu rocks, Freddy Krueger rocks. Snow Patrol and Coldplay? Not so much.
The only thing worse than indie bands are indie fans. Once, I took my friend 'Fucktard' to the mall to buy some CDs, when we started talking about music. I asked if he liked Metal, which is a pretty easy question to answer. Hint: the answer is 'yes'. Fucktard, being an indie douche, said, 'Sorry, I don't listen to dependent bands'. He said this as a joke, and even laughed to himself for, like, three seconds after. I punched him in the balls, then drove to his Mom's house and had unprotected sex with her. That pretty much made us even.
Another genre that needs to die is the 'alternative' scene. Alternative, indie, emo, or worse 'pop-punk'... it's all the same: shit. Kids, stay away from shit. Shit will ruin your life. Shit almost always contradicts itself in every way. Let us start from the top of this list.
Alternative. Nice name, jackass, considering you aren't alternative at all. All alternative bands sound alike, and they all listen to the same music. They're also all over the radio these days. Here's a new name, gents: comformative. Much more accurate.
Indie? See above, tool.
Emo. Oh, I'm a rich guy who can literally afford any luxury the world has to offer, and who has women thrown at him daily, and who gets free shoes, clothes, housing, cars, and instruments from all my multi-million dollar sponsorship deals, but I'm still from the streets. I know what it's like to feel pain. One time, my mom caught me smoking weed in the basement, and grounded me for a week. Brutal, I know, but I got back at her. I called her a bitch on my latest album. Suck my balls, Pete Wentz.
Pop-punk. This music is offensive. I am deeply offended whenever I see Green Day on TV. Hey, guys, kids are watching. Children may be annoying little shits, but they are the future. Should we really allow these assholes to destroy their consciences, rape their childhood, and fill their brains with subversive Liberal propaganda? But I guess it's the parents choice. Like if a mother buys her child a copy of American Idiot, possibly the worst album of the twenty-first century. That woman has chosen to enrage me, and tacitly, has chosen to taste my fist.
I'd also like to point out that the joke in American Idiot is not about conservatives or the uneducated, so much as it is about Green Day's fanbase. If you think supporting a band that calls their own fans idiots to their faces, in concert, and on their albums is a good idea, then you really are an idiot. Way to prove Green Day right, assmaster.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
My Fellow Geniuses
I am a genius. But of course, you already knew this, or else you wouldn't be reading this while crying and/or masturbating. But I know some of you are actually reading this to better yourselves. In the shadows of the night, you pray that someday, the lord will bless you with a fraction of my greatness. Well, as I say to the kids in the Leukemia wing of Dr. Quinn's, keep praying. Maybe God will start giving a shit about you and your diseases if you keep chanting, Paco.
The following people are by no means as great as I am. However, like a retard humping a doorknob, they're trying. Please treat these great achievers with only slightly less respect than you do myself.
FLAVOR FLAV: This man is incredible. Words cannot describe his genius, except this one, which I just invented. 'Me-like'. It was very me-like of you, Flavor Flav, to make literally billions of dollars in record sales by saying your own name in an annoying voice. It was even cooler when you slept with a bunch of sluts at the same time. But did you stop there? Fuck you, you didn't. Rather than stop at sleeping with these whores, you made a reality show out of it and made even more money. My God, you magnificent bastard, shine on.
BILL NIE: This guy is THE MAN. Bill Nie don't take shit from no one. He may well be the smartest man in the world, and he also gets laid pretty frequently because of it. Normally, an old Jew in a bowtie doesn't exactly moisten any g-strings out there, but when your balls are as big as Bill Nie's, you don't take no for an answer. He also showed me the one true scientific formula, X+Y=Z. Here, X+Y equals however much booze plus however much pills it takes to make Z; me getting laid. Thanks for teaching me science, Mr. Nie. If you ever need a kidney, I will steal one for you.
JASON NEWSTED: Sound familiar? Probably not. After the death of that pot-smoking, illegitimate child-having *ahem* 'genius' Cliff Burton, he took up the bass for Metallica. Why so cool? Because he stole all of their money! Metallica sucks donkey dong, and Jason Newsted was the only man with balls enough to put those pussies in their place by embezzling from them and then 'resigning' from the music industry. So what does a guy do after he's retired from recording music? Start a Phish cover band, apparently! Way to go, Newsted! Rob those drunken bastards blind and play hippie music. Sounds like a winning combination.
The following people are by no means as great as I am. However, like a retard humping a doorknob, they're trying. Please treat these great achievers with only slightly less respect than you do myself.
FLAVOR FLAV: This man is incredible. Words cannot describe his genius, except this one, which I just invented. 'Me-like'. It was very me-like of you, Flavor Flav, to make literally billions of dollars in record sales by saying your own name in an annoying voice. It was even cooler when you slept with a bunch of sluts at the same time. But did you stop there? Fuck you, you didn't. Rather than stop at sleeping with these whores, you made a reality show out of it and made even more money. My God, you magnificent bastard, shine on.
BILL NIE: This guy is THE MAN. Bill Nie don't take shit from no one. He may well be the smartest man in the world, and he also gets laid pretty frequently because of it. Normally, an old Jew in a bowtie doesn't exactly moisten any g-strings out there, but when your balls are as big as Bill Nie's, you don't take no for an answer. He also showed me the one true scientific formula, X+Y=Z. Here, X+Y equals however much booze plus however much pills it takes to make Z; me getting laid. Thanks for teaching me science, Mr. Nie. If you ever need a kidney, I will steal one for you.
JASON NEWSTED: Sound familiar? Probably not. After the death of that pot-smoking, illegitimate child-having *ahem* 'genius' Cliff Burton, he took up the bass for Metallica. Why so cool? Because he stole all of their money! Metallica sucks donkey dong, and Jason Newsted was the only man with balls enough to put those pussies in their place by embezzling from them and then 'resigning' from the music industry. So what does a guy do after he's retired from recording music? Start a Phish cover band, apparently! Way to go, Newsted! Rob those drunken bastards blind and play hippie music. Sounds like a winning combination.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
My TV Show
MTV needs to get off the fucking airwaves now. Have you seen this new show, The Island? It lacks an actual, what's it called? Oh yeah, a POINT. Apparently, like, twenty people are 'stranded' on an island that has a hotel, hot tub, very comfortable beds, and lots of reasonably attractive people that have the mindsets of four-year-olds. In one of the episodes, this guy Johnny gets in a fight with some butterface named Evelyn, and they literally start screaming, 'mine, mine, mine' and pulling each other's hair. Then, they tearfully look into the camera and talk about how the 'game' is getting to them. What game? You're living in the lap of luxury with people that are at least cock-worthy once they get a few beers in them. And that brings me to the game. I don't know exactly how it works, and no one on the show knows either. It doesn't really come up much; three of them play one little 'elimination' game per episode, then vote off one of the two losers. The rest is muy muy bitching. In the end, they wind up on a boat or something and that's how you win. And also, you need keys.
Yes, MTV has a new reality/island game show hybrid. Yes, this is the same sow they've been making forever. And yes, I know exactly how capitalize on this for my own personal gain.
My TV show is called Asshole Island. Basically, I put a bunch of assholes on an island an tell them that the winner will receive five-hundred-thousand lira. Then, I make them play a game a day, and pad the rest of the episode with blurry nightvision shots of two ugly people humping like rabid dogs.
I know what you're thinking: who would put up with all this shit just to be paid in Turkish money? Do you honestly think the muscle-bound douchebaggy date-rapists that populate MTV's prospective reality star pool know what the fuck a lira is? Never mind the fact that almost two-thirds of this money will be lost to taxes. In the end, the winner walks away with ten grand-ish. Depends on how much further the dollar drops.
Sounds a little generic, I know. But here's where I differ from the rest of the pack. The losers don't get voted off: they're eaten! I'd be doing the world a friggin' service via genocide of the retarded. And by 'retarded', I don't mean Jerry's kids. I mean the kids you see walking around at the mall saying shit like, "Man, my parents are retarded. They grounded me like a retard for staying out past curfew and having drunken, unprotected sex with a transvestite hooker, and I'm a huge retard." Yes, you are. I use the r-bomb as much as anyone, but, dude, stop and ask yourself if you aren't the retard before you make such a bold claim.
I also have a few similar ideas called Sex Offender Island, and Illiterate Ethnics Island. I actually can't talk too much about these, however, as they've been sold to Dateline and WB respectively. Sex Offenders would be sort of a rip off of American Gladiators and To Catch A Predator, as the sex offenders would have to go through an obstacle course to get to the sexy young boy at the end of the line, only to meet that queef who does To Catch A Predator. Illiterate Ethnics would be the only half-hour show where 'oh hell no' and 'hey hey hey' are the only words spoken. Ha ha ha... racism.
Yes, MTV has a new reality/island game show hybrid. Yes, this is the same sow they've been making forever. And yes, I know exactly how capitalize on this for my own personal gain.
My TV show is called Asshole Island. Basically, I put a bunch of assholes on an island an tell them that the winner will receive five-hundred-thousand lira. Then, I make them play a game a day, and pad the rest of the episode with blurry nightvision shots of two ugly people humping like rabid dogs.
I know what you're thinking: who would put up with all this shit just to be paid in Turkish money? Do you honestly think the muscle-bound douchebaggy date-rapists that populate MTV's prospective reality star pool know what the fuck a lira is? Never mind the fact that almost two-thirds of this money will be lost to taxes. In the end, the winner walks away with ten grand-ish. Depends on how much further the dollar drops.
Sounds a little generic, I know. But here's where I differ from the rest of the pack. The losers don't get voted off: they're eaten! I'd be doing the world a friggin' service via genocide of the retarded. And by 'retarded', I don't mean Jerry's kids. I mean the kids you see walking around at the mall saying shit like, "Man, my parents are retarded. They grounded me like a retard for staying out past curfew and having drunken, unprotected sex with a transvestite hooker, and I'm a huge retard." Yes, you are. I use the r-bomb as much as anyone, but, dude, stop and ask yourself if you aren't the retard before you make such a bold claim.
I also have a few similar ideas called Sex Offender Island, and Illiterate Ethnics Island. I actually can't talk too much about these, however, as they've been sold to Dateline and WB respectively. Sex Offenders would be sort of a rip off of American Gladiators and To Catch A Predator, as the sex offenders would have to go through an obstacle course to get to the sexy young boy at the end of the line, only to meet that queef who does To Catch A Predator. Illiterate Ethnics would be the only half-hour show where 'oh hell no' and 'hey hey hey' are the only words spoken. Ha ha ha... racism.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Bombest Costumes For Halloween
Halloween kicks ass. I love dressing up as a a terrifying, nightmarish ghoul and ruining everyone's good time by getting drunk and arrested, usually in that order. And as I'm gently rocked to sleep in my inmate's arms, I love reflecting on the past day, and enjoying soem poetry before a fortnight. Here's a poem I wrote commemorating Halloween 2006.
Children dressed like Spider-Man
Follow Mom, who has a nice can
I scare off the little shits with a knife I keep handy
And make out with a MILF, then steal all your candy
The key to a successful Halloween is in the costume. I am a genius, and as such, have a responsibility to share with you all my awesome costume ideas. Here's a few that are especially fiendish.
BORING ADULT: Buy a gray flannel suit and hat, then walk around like a zombie in a daze. It may not scare any kids, until you tell them you're really them, ten years into the future. Again, probably won't scare anyone, but here comes the kicker: you carry around a gun, and hold up kids for their candy. That way, you make them feel like in the future, they'll be cool. Falso hope is awesome. Nothing makes me laugh harder than when a child is denied all he ever wished for.
STEPHEN KING: I know what you're thinking: I already told you about the boring adult costume. Well this one's slightly different. You go as a fat, balding, and downright fugly writer of semi-entertaining fiction who spends whole chapters on uncomfortable sex scenes, then read these aloud! This will surely terrify both children and adults. Nothing takes the sexy out of a book like knowing what the writer looks like. Note: there isn't a single hump-worthy writer in the world except J.K. Rowling and, depending on how drunk you are, Maya Angelou.
MICHAEL JACKSON: This one will truly inspire fear in the hearts of tiny, dirty, little fat nubletts. Nobody likes anal rape. It's very dry and uncomfortable for everyone involved. It also inspires very awkward social fauxpas amongst it's victims. You'll just be sitting there, going through her underwear drawer, when suddenly, "I was sexually assaulted on Halloween by a guy dressed as Michael Jackson." Wow, bitch. Really? I've been sitting here for literally hours while you cover your stanky ass with all kinds of smelly perfumes and putting on an elaborately slutty costume, and all you can do is rag me out for my costume choice? Screw you. Rape is hilariously terrifying, and terrifyingly hilarious. And if by strapping a child-sized dummy to my crotch and moonwalking on your front lawn, I inspire terror? So be it.
PENIS MONSTER: If you've never seen small children running away screaming from a man ina giant penis costume, I pity you. It's beautiful. What's even more beautiful is being the guy in the penis suit. God Bless America
My life's golorious emission is to destroy everyone's childhood. If you need any help, call me. I'll spread my emission all over your child. They'll know what pain tastes like when they swallow some of my medicine. There's no escaping me, once I get in your hair. But some people think fear is good for your skin, so I guess I'm doing a solid on you.
Children dressed like Spider-Man
Follow Mom, who has a nice can
I scare off the little shits with a knife I keep handy
And make out with a MILF, then steal all your candy
The key to a successful Halloween is in the costume. I am a genius, and as such, have a responsibility to share with you all my awesome costume ideas. Here's a few that are especially fiendish.
BORING ADULT: Buy a gray flannel suit and hat, then walk around like a zombie in a daze. It may not scare any kids, until you tell them you're really them, ten years into the future. Again, probably won't scare anyone, but here comes the kicker: you carry around a gun, and hold up kids for their candy. That way, you make them feel like in the future, they'll be cool. Falso hope is awesome. Nothing makes me laugh harder than when a child is denied all he ever wished for.
STEPHEN KING: I know what you're thinking: I already told you about the boring adult costume. Well this one's slightly different. You go as a fat, balding, and downright fugly writer of semi-entertaining fiction who spends whole chapters on uncomfortable sex scenes, then read these aloud! This will surely terrify both children and adults. Nothing takes the sexy out of a book like knowing what the writer looks like. Note: there isn't a single hump-worthy writer in the world except J.K. Rowling and, depending on how drunk you are, Maya Angelou.
MICHAEL JACKSON: This one will truly inspire fear in the hearts of tiny, dirty, little fat nubletts. Nobody likes anal rape. It's very dry and uncomfortable for everyone involved. It also inspires very awkward social fauxpas amongst it's victims. You'll just be sitting there, going through her underwear drawer, when suddenly, "I was sexually assaulted on Halloween by a guy dressed as Michael Jackson." Wow, bitch. Really? I've been sitting here for literally hours while you cover your stanky ass with all kinds of smelly perfumes and putting on an elaborately slutty costume, and all you can do is rag me out for my costume choice? Screw you. Rape is hilariously terrifying, and terrifyingly hilarious. And if by strapping a child-sized dummy to my crotch and moonwalking on your front lawn, I inspire terror? So be it.
PENIS MONSTER: If you've never seen small children running away screaming from a man ina giant penis costume, I pity you. It's beautiful. What's even more beautiful is being the guy in the penis suit. God Bless America
My life's golorious emission is to destroy everyone's childhood. If you need any help, call me. I'll spread my emission all over your child. They'll know what pain tastes like when they swallow some of my medicine. There's no escaping me, once I get in your hair. But some people think fear is good for your skin, so I guess I'm doing a solid on you.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Fuck Naruto
When I think of anime, I think of animated adaptations of my favorite mangas, and they never suck too hard. Then again, I stay as far away from shit-manga as possible. Note: shit-manga is very popular these days. It's that kind of manga that involves a nubile male highschool student who is eighteen and still can't talk to women without fumbling his words in an 'I'm so nerdy I'm cute way' meeting a sexy female robot/vampire/alien princess who teaches him how to love and also saves the world from evil robots/vampires/alien queens.
Naruto is the stupidest anime I've seen in a long time. It really takes the cake in making a mediocre manga just terrible. If you don't know what Naruto is, it's the ongoing saga of a young ninja-in-training who also has some sort of demon living inside him. That sounds, at best, unoriginal. When you take that dreadful source material and turn it into a children's television show that features the most annoying catch phrase since 'hi-ho-diggity' from Catdog, you really ought to get an award. This award should be shaped like a big douche.
My main problem with Naruto is that it lies to our children. It inflates their ego by telling them that even if you suffer from a learning disability (the fox-demon is an allegory for ADHD, in case you're retarded) you can grow up to be a serial killer. That's not appropriate for children. Most children nowadays will never amount to anything, let alone someone as famous as a murderer. It also teaches children lies about ninjas. They don't wear bright orange coats and shout 'BELIEVE IT!' at the top of their lungs every three seconds. If a real ninja did that, all the other ninjas would tie him to an flag pole and take turns sodomizing him with their katanas and chucking shuriken at his asscheeks.
Another problem is that it hogs the spotlight from actually good anime. Ever heard of a show called FLCL? It is literally the greatest anime ever made, because it was funny as hell (and not in the 'ooh I'm a girl who falls down the stairs a lot' kind of humor you find in HiHi PuffyAmiYumi)full of violence and sex, and also only six episodes long. It was short, sweet, and to the point. Damn it, respect that.
Dear Cartoon Network,
Naruto sucks shit out of a fat Goth girl's asshole. I want him to die. Get that little faggot ninja off of my television and play some goddamn new episodes of Xavier: Renegade Angel. You never play that show anymore. I love Xavier, he's the man. He walks around, playing a bong-shaped instrument and teaching people how not to suck. That's my life story, dude.
Love,
Spence Fiffield.
P.S. When does the next season of Tim & Eric hit the DVD shelves? That's another kickass show you never play. Maybe if you spent less time canceling all your awesome shows, like Tom Goes To The Mayor, FLCL, Twelve Ounce Mouse, Sealab 2021, Harvey Birdman, Space Ghost, The Brak Show, and The Oblongs, you'd have to worry less and less about what you can do to fill up your daytime schedule, which was craptacular enough without Naruto. And don't even get me started on the diarrhea-stain that is Bo-BoBo BoBoBo-Bo. Ever notice the similarities between that show and Johnny Bravo? I'm sure it's just a coincidence. I mean, the characters don't even look alike : Bo-BoBo's a tall, tan guy in dark shades with big blonde hair in a blue shirt and black pants, but Johnny Bravo's a tall, tan guy in dark shades with big blonde hair in a black shirt and blue pants. No lawsuit there!
Naruto is the stupidest anime I've seen in a long time. It really takes the cake in making a mediocre manga just terrible. If you don't know what Naruto is, it's the ongoing saga of a young ninja-in-training who also has some sort of demon living inside him. That sounds, at best, unoriginal. When you take that dreadful source material and turn it into a children's television show that features the most annoying catch phrase since 'hi-ho-diggity' from Catdog, you really ought to get an award. This award should be shaped like a big douche.
My main problem with Naruto is that it lies to our children. It inflates their ego by telling them that even if you suffer from a learning disability (the fox-demon is an allegory for ADHD, in case you're retarded) you can grow up to be a serial killer. That's not appropriate for children. Most children nowadays will never amount to anything, let alone someone as famous as a murderer. It also teaches children lies about ninjas. They don't wear bright orange coats and shout 'BELIEVE IT!' at the top of their lungs every three seconds. If a real ninja did that, all the other ninjas would tie him to an flag pole and take turns sodomizing him with their katanas and chucking shuriken at his asscheeks.
Another problem is that it hogs the spotlight from actually good anime. Ever heard of a show called FLCL? It is literally the greatest anime ever made, because it was funny as hell (and not in the 'ooh I'm a girl who falls down the stairs a lot' kind of humor you find in HiHi PuffyAmiYumi)full of violence and sex, and also only six episodes long. It was short, sweet, and to the point. Damn it, respect that.
Dear Cartoon Network,
Naruto sucks shit out of a fat Goth girl's asshole. I want him to die. Get that little faggot ninja off of my television and play some goddamn new episodes of Xavier: Renegade Angel. You never play that show anymore. I love Xavier, he's the man. He walks around, playing a bong-shaped instrument and teaching people how not to suck. That's my life story, dude.
Love,
Spence Fiffield.
P.S. When does the next season of Tim & Eric hit the DVD shelves? That's another kickass show you never play. Maybe if you spent less time canceling all your awesome shows, like Tom Goes To The Mayor, FLCL, Twelve Ounce Mouse, Sealab 2021, Harvey Birdman, Space Ghost, The Brak Show, and The Oblongs, you'd have to worry less and less about what you can do to fill up your daytime schedule, which was craptacular enough without Naruto. And don't even get me started on the diarrhea-stain that is Bo-BoBo BoBoBo-Bo. Ever notice the similarities between that show and Johnny Bravo? I'm sure it's just a coincidence. I mean, the characters don't even look alike : Bo-BoBo's a tall, tan guy in dark shades with big blonde hair in a blue shirt and black pants, but Johnny Bravo's a tall, tan guy in dark shades with big blonde hair in a black shirt and blue pants. No lawsuit there!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Second Life? Try Getting A First One
For the uninitiated, Second Life is perhaps the most addictive game since Pong. You play yourself, living a life that can be whatever you want it to be, in a world where you can go and do anything as long as you have enough money. Sound familiar? That's life, people.
I feel like this game should be played by prisoners in state correctional facilities. Why would anyone willingly play a self-described 'life-simulator' if they still have some semblance of a life to cling to? Y'know what's better than watch two lumps of polygons hump behind a blurred square? Fucking. Trust me on this you stank-breathed virgins.
But I guess the people who play Second Life don't really have a life to speak of. They're the guys who play Yu-Gi-Oh! with kids half their age and still have the balls to do a thoroughly hilarious victory dance when their Rainbow Darkness Dragon stomps Summoned Skull's ass. Quit dancing you punks. Do you understand what you're doing? In life (this one, not the game), you are given a choice : either play card games or be a person that actually matters in the outside world. We all want both, but alas, she is but a dream, sailing on the wings of eternity.
I want to save you all. Put away Second Life, kids. First of all, it's unoriginal. Have you ever played any other PC games? They're all pretty much the same. EverQuest, World of Warcraft, The Sims... it's all the same. Maybe you should pick up an Xbox, dude. Once you frag a twelve-year-old in the back of the head with a rail gun in front of six of the little shit's best friends, you feel invincible.
My other problem with Second Life is that people aren't exploiting it to it's full capabilities. Apparently, some bands and TV shows are suing the game producers for negligence, because people are uploading illegally downloaded songs and images into the game, and then selling them for a profit. Awesome! That sounds like a business venture I could really get behind. The only problem is these people are aiming too low. Just music and TV shows? Why not porn? Porn is the shit. The only thing better than watching porn is selling porn. Let's see; nerds love Second Life, nerds love porn. Say... I've got an idea! It's like the peanut butter in my chocolate thing, except this isn't an allegory for interracial gay sex.
Here's the deal, Second Life. Get off the Interwebs. These are my disciples, not yours, you graphically advanced piece of shit. I want to fight whoever invented this game. Peter Molineux, I'm not sure if this involved you or not, but dammit, you and I are gonna tangle! I am officially calling out Peter Molineux, as well as every man, woman, and child that is related to his production studio, Lion's Head. I will fight you all, drunken boxing style bitches. I;ve literally seen every Jacki Chan movie ever. Think you can take me on? Fear the strike of Spence Fiffield, for soon, on a night as black as Ike Turner, I shall come for you, and there will be no escape!
I feel like this game should be played by prisoners in state correctional facilities. Why would anyone willingly play a self-described 'life-simulator' if they still have some semblance of a life to cling to? Y'know what's better than watch two lumps of polygons hump behind a blurred square? Fucking. Trust me on this you stank-breathed virgins.
But I guess the people who play Second Life don't really have a life to speak of. They're the guys who play Yu-Gi-Oh! with kids half their age and still have the balls to do a thoroughly hilarious victory dance when their Rainbow Darkness Dragon stomps Summoned Skull's ass. Quit dancing you punks. Do you understand what you're doing? In life (this one, not the game), you are given a choice : either play card games or be a person that actually matters in the outside world. We all want both, but alas, she is but a dream, sailing on the wings of eternity.
I want to save you all. Put away Second Life, kids. First of all, it's unoriginal. Have you ever played any other PC games? They're all pretty much the same. EverQuest, World of Warcraft, The Sims... it's all the same. Maybe you should pick up an Xbox, dude. Once you frag a twelve-year-old in the back of the head with a rail gun in front of six of the little shit's best friends, you feel invincible.
My other problem with Second Life is that people aren't exploiting it to it's full capabilities. Apparently, some bands and TV shows are suing the game producers for negligence, because people are uploading illegally downloaded songs and images into the game, and then selling them for a profit. Awesome! That sounds like a business venture I could really get behind. The only problem is these people are aiming too low. Just music and TV shows? Why not porn? Porn is the shit. The only thing better than watching porn is selling porn. Let's see; nerds love Second Life, nerds love porn. Say... I've got an idea! It's like the peanut butter in my chocolate thing, except this isn't an allegory for interracial gay sex.
Here's the deal, Second Life. Get off the Interwebs. These are my disciples, not yours, you graphically advanced piece of shit. I want to fight whoever invented this game. Peter Molineux, I'm not sure if this involved you or not, but dammit, you and I are gonna tangle! I am officially calling out Peter Molineux, as well as every man, woman, and child that is related to his production studio, Lion's Head. I will fight you all, drunken boxing style bitches. I;ve literally seen every Jacki Chan movie ever. Think you can take me on? Fear the strike of Spence Fiffield, for soon, on a night as black as Ike Turner, I shall come for you, and there will be no escape!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Old Movies Are As Shitty As The New Ones
I don't know which ivy league Jewess is is the one who prints all those opinion articles in coffeehouse newspapers about how modern movies suck royal dong compared to 'classics' like Gone With The Wind or Valley Of The Dolls . Honestly , new movies and old alike swallow on a regular basis .
It's a common rule of thumb concerning movie aficionados : for every five films that are released worldwide , only one is worth seeing . Now let's say one thousand films are released this year . To this logic , only two hundred are worth seeing all across the globe . Now how many of those films do you think we as Americans watch ? Here's a hint : this year's list won't feature Beverly Hills Chihuahua .
I struggle to think of a decent movie that has come out so far this year , and it's almost November already. Max Payne ? Saw V ? Really ? Batman was pretty good , but Cloverfield ? Jesus H. Christ , that movie had no story at all ! Oh no , an alien is attacking the city ! Good thing I'm a wannabe intellectual hipster who's probably in some shitty band with a name that's an arthouse pun taken from a French film released in 1987 , so I have a camcorder as well as the compulsive need to tape every mundane thing I do with my life . Here's a question : how the fuck did that shitty plastic camcorder and the tape not get crushed by the destroyed overpass or whatever ? Here's a really original idea Hollywood : USE LOGIC !
This is not to say that older movies are better , although I will say that there were a lot less 'Ii am woman , here me roar' films , and a lot less 'I am gay , ain't that cute ?' films . Have you seen Sex & The City ? Dude , when two people on that show were diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time , I thought 'Finally !' . That way , the show could end on a semi-plausible note . Moral of the story ? Whores die of strange diseases . But no , Hollywood's whoring capabilities far outskanks these four sluts . Y'know how the show ended and men everywhere sighed deeply in relief ? Well , let's kick them all in the dick and put out a movie version that ends with the possibility for a sequel . I hate Hollywood .
Remember the original King Kong ? It was like Hollywood had spread their collective cheeks and laid a Cleveland steamer all over America's soul . When I think about great concepts for a movie , I definitely think giant monkey rapist who gets killed by falling off of a damn building . What's worse was the remake . In the original , Kong was supposed to be between ten and twenty feet tall . But in the remake , he's easily four or five stories . What the hell is in the water at Skull Island ? And what was Jack Black doing there ? He should've been hard at work on a sequel to Shark Tale . That was literally the greatest film I've ever seen . Jack Black , Robert De Niro , Will Smith ... you just never see these people humiliate themselves on screen anymore . I mean , Shark Tale was obviously a humorous precursor to the serious social commentary that was Hancock .
But I digress . The worst film ever made has got to be Citizen Kane . Here we have the story of a poor man who works hard and becomes the proud owner of a local newspaper , before accruing wealth via fair business deals , amassing a small fortune , buying out his competitors and dying a lonely death full of regret ? What the fuck ? Why does Hollywood hate capitalism so much ? That's what gets those liberal pigfuckers paid ! Maybe if they put down the Edgar Rice Burroughs and picked up their stock portfolios , they stop crying and start cumming . If I was that rich , no way in fuck would I be donating shit and speaking out against the president . I'd rollin' fly in my souped up Jetta and pickin' up some sweet honeys down at the K-Mart .
My rage has subsided . The time has come to sleep for eight hours , then poop , then sleep some more . Good Night , America . You stay classy .
It's a common rule of thumb concerning movie aficionados : for every five films that are released worldwide , only one is worth seeing . Now let's say one thousand films are released this year . To this logic , only two hundred are worth seeing all across the globe . Now how many of those films do you think we as Americans watch ? Here's a hint : this year's list won't feature Beverly Hills Chihuahua .
I struggle to think of a decent movie that has come out so far this year , and it's almost November already. Max Payne ? Saw V ? Really ? Batman was pretty good , but Cloverfield ? Jesus H. Christ , that movie had no story at all ! Oh no , an alien is attacking the city ! Good thing I'm a wannabe intellectual hipster who's probably in some shitty band with a name that's an arthouse pun taken from a French film released in 1987 , so I have a camcorder as well as the compulsive need to tape every mundane thing I do with my life . Here's a question : how the fuck did that shitty plastic camcorder and the tape not get crushed by the destroyed overpass or whatever ? Here's a really original idea Hollywood : USE LOGIC !
This is not to say that older movies are better , although I will say that there were a lot less 'Ii am woman , here me roar' films , and a lot less 'I am gay , ain't that cute ?' films . Have you seen Sex & The City ? Dude , when two people on that show were diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time , I thought 'Finally !' . That way , the show could end on a semi-plausible note . Moral of the story ? Whores die of strange diseases . But no , Hollywood's whoring capabilities far outskanks these four sluts . Y'know how the show ended and men everywhere sighed deeply in relief ? Well , let's kick them all in the dick and put out a movie version that ends with the possibility for a sequel . I hate Hollywood .
Remember the original King Kong ? It was like Hollywood had spread their collective cheeks and laid a Cleveland steamer all over America's soul . When I think about great concepts for a movie , I definitely think giant monkey rapist who gets killed by falling off of a damn building . What's worse was the remake . In the original , Kong was supposed to be between ten and twenty feet tall . But in the remake , he's easily four or five stories . What the hell is in the water at Skull Island ? And what was Jack Black doing there ? He should've been hard at work on a sequel to Shark Tale . That was literally the greatest film I've ever seen . Jack Black , Robert De Niro , Will Smith ... you just never see these people humiliate themselves on screen anymore . I mean , Shark Tale was obviously a humorous precursor to the serious social commentary that was Hancock .
But I digress . The worst film ever made has got to be Citizen Kane . Here we have the story of a poor man who works hard and becomes the proud owner of a local newspaper , before accruing wealth via fair business deals , amassing a small fortune , buying out his competitors and dying a lonely death full of regret ? What the fuck ? Why does Hollywood hate capitalism so much ? That's what gets those liberal pigfuckers paid ! Maybe if they put down the Edgar Rice Burroughs and picked up their stock portfolios , they stop crying and start cumming . If I was that rich , no way in fuck would I be donating shit and speaking out against the president . I'd rollin' fly in my souped up Jetta and pickin' up some sweet honeys down at the K-Mart .
My rage has subsided . The time has come to sleep for eight hours , then poop , then sleep some more . Good Night , America . You stay classy .
Friday, October 24, 2008
Fantasy Nerds Suck
You see them everywhere ; short , round , pizza-faced little gnomes who clutter together in the back of the school library and wax idiotic for hours and hours about who would win in a match between Gandalf and Dumbeldore . Then they dissipate , back into the holes they crawled out of , where they start flame wars with each other on shitty message boards populated by literally thousands of retards exactly like them before beating off to a picture of Hermione and passing out in a puddle of slobber .
I hate fantasy nerds so very , very much . I can think of many different groups of people I hate because of their poor decision-making : die-job blondes , Canadians , etc . Fantasy nerds , however , are the only people who seem to be proud of the fact that they are social mongoloids , a cancer for which there is no chemotherapy save death . They walk around with their heads held high , adorning their bumpers with stickers that say , 'Proud Nerd' , or 'Geek Chic' , or 'I Love Frodo In Ways That No Man Should Love A Hobbit' . They are completely ignorant of what exists outside their little shitty microcosm .
In the real world , wearing glasses is enough to infuriate regular people . And you motherfuckers think you can go balls out and wear t-shirts , put up posters and flags , or worse , publish books ? Fuck you ! Get off of my planet , you dice-rolling , Silmarillion-humping , mouth-breathing , glasses-wearing , braces-having , ac- , bac- , and sacne-wielding douchebags .
What needs to be done to correct this problem ? Give the baby it's bottle ; if they want their own fucking world we'll give it to them . How can this be done ? It's an easy , two step process .
STEP 1 : LET ALL NERDS BE EXCOMMUNICATED ! First things first , we find out who'd normal and who's a nerd . This can be discovered through Spence Fiffield's patented Nerd Test . Simply look the subject in the eye and ask them to name five books they've read in the past year . If they say none , shoot them . I have no tolerance for illiterates . If they name any of the banned books , let that one be ostracized for their beliefs !
note : the following books and their respective series are to be blacklisted alongside their readers .
The Lord Of The Rings
The Chronicles of Narnia
Twilight
The Dark Tower
Forgotten Realms
Anything that involves a 'Legend' , or something that belongs to a Dragon .
Also , if the , ahem , 'person' in question answers with a manga or comic book of any kind , they are to be shot on sight alongside the illiterate . Some comics are kick-ass , and even some manga , but dude , they are not books .
STEP 2: 'GIVE IN' TO THEIR DEMANDS ! Somewhere along the line , the nerds will converge and take a stab at sovereignty . We must accomodate them to the farthest extreme we can afford . They ask for a city , we'll give 'em a concentration camp ... I mean , summer camp . They ask for a commune , we'll give 'em a reservation . What we really want is for them to actually ask for something huge , like a state or country . That's when we hit them with the sneak attack . Oh , you want a country ? How about a goddamn planet ?
They should be overjoyed , and will probably celebrate with a good game of Magic : The Gathering . Yeah , go celebrate you fucking losers , while we build a rocket that'll launch you to your new home-world : The fucking sun . We're giving you the best celestial body of them all . The Sun is acting King of Planets until we Earthlings can invent a gun big enough to point at actual planets .
Imagine a world without fantasy nerds . I imagine I'd sleep a lot better , without being kept awake by my mind , ever searching for ways to rid the world of nerds .
I hate fantasy nerds so very , very much . I can think of many different groups of people I hate because of their poor decision-making : die-job blondes , Canadians , etc . Fantasy nerds , however , are the only people who seem to be proud of the fact that they are social mongoloids , a cancer for which there is no chemotherapy save death . They walk around with their heads held high , adorning their bumpers with stickers that say , 'Proud Nerd' , or 'Geek Chic' , or 'I Love Frodo In Ways That No Man Should Love A Hobbit' . They are completely ignorant of what exists outside their little shitty microcosm .
In the real world , wearing glasses is enough to infuriate regular people . And you motherfuckers think you can go balls out and wear t-shirts , put up posters and flags , or worse , publish books ? Fuck you ! Get off of my planet , you dice-rolling , Silmarillion-humping , mouth-breathing , glasses-wearing , braces-having , ac- , bac- , and sacne-wielding douchebags .
What needs to be done to correct this problem ? Give the baby it's bottle ; if they want their own fucking world we'll give it to them . How can this be done ? It's an easy , two step process .
STEP 1 : LET ALL NERDS BE EXCOMMUNICATED ! First things first , we find out who'd normal and who's a nerd . This can be discovered through Spence Fiffield's patented Nerd Test . Simply look the subject in the eye and ask them to name five books they've read in the past year . If they say none , shoot them . I have no tolerance for illiterates . If they name any of the banned books , let that one be ostracized for their beliefs !
note : the following books and their respective series are to be blacklisted alongside their readers .
The Lord Of The Rings
The Chronicles of Narnia
Twilight
The Dark Tower
Forgotten Realms
Anything that involves a 'Legend' , or something that belongs to a Dragon .
Also , if the , ahem , 'person' in question answers with a manga or comic book of any kind , they are to be shot on sight alongside the illiterate . Some comics are kick-ass , and even some manga , but dude , they are not books .
STEP 2: 'GIVE IN' TO THEIR DEMANDS ! Somewhere along the line , the nerds will converge and take a stab at sovereignty . We must accomodate them to the farthest extreme we can afford . They ask for a city , we'll give 'em a concentration camp ... I mean , summer camp . They ask for a commune , we'll give 'em a reservation . What we really want is for them to actually ask for something huge , like a state or country . That's when we hit them with the sneak attack . Oh , you want a country ? How about a goddamn planet ?
They should be overjoyed , and will probably celebrate with a good game of Magic : The Gathering . Yeah , go celebrate you fucking losers , while we build a rocket that'll launch you to your new home-world : The fucking sun . We're giving you the best celestial body of them all . The Sun is acting King of Planets until we Earthlings can invent a gun big enough to point at actual planets .
Imagine a world without fantasy nerds . I imagine I'd sleep a lot better , without being kept awake by my mind , ever searching for ways to rid the world of nerds .
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Why Vikings Kick Ass
Why do vikings kick so much ass ? Do you ask a man why a fish swims , or why a bird flies ? These things just happen . Vampires just happen to be effeminate waifs , Pirates just happen to spend their entire lives on boats with other men , and Vikings just happen to rock tits .
What sets Vikings apart from the rest of the crowd are their craftsmanship , their spiritual beliefs , and also their beards . Vikings are the only men who can braid their beards and still look cool . One time , Rob Zombie , Gimlee , and the dudes from ZZ Top all braided their beards , and I walked by , and I was like , "who the fuck do you think you are ?"
I guess the most concrete argument one can make from the three I pointed out would be the Viking spirituality . I'm not talking 'ooh , I bought a fifty dollar crystal off of QVC , ain't that special' spirituality . That's for soccer moms and fat Goth chicks who have their heads jammed a good distance up their own asses .
Vikings followed Odin and his crew of buck-wild ballin' muthafuckas . All other Gods , Demi-Gods and *shudder* prophets can suck a fat one ; Odin was the man . Think about it . Literally every other King of the Gods was a pussy . Zeus ? Pussy . Jesus ? Pussy . Quetzacoatl ? A very large feathery pussy . Odin was the exception to the rule .
Odin was the God of all things , like war , beer , blacksmiths , and poetry . You may think poetry was for fags like , y'know , the Greeks , but you'd be wrong . Odin wrote badass poetry , like this :
My balls are so huge
Like a beanbag chair betwixt my
Dinosaur-penis-like legs
It's true ; Odin's sack was the stuff of nightmares . Did you know that in order to gain his high level of badassery he let some old bastard tie him to a tree , beat him like a pinata and then leave him hanging for nine freakin' days ? Then Odin became a God , and he stomped that decrepit fart's black ass like there was no f-ing tomorrow . Ballsy .
Like Odin , Vikings didn't take any shit . They weren't taught 'mercy' , or 'honor' , or 'love' . There was a time to rape and pillage , and then a time to eat and sleep . That was it . They also brought women aboard their boats , unlike pirates who brought condoms .
Vikings were also inventors . Know who discovered the formula for a primitive gunpowder , thus setting the course for cannons , bombs , and all modern warfare ? Vikings , bitch . They knew what time it was .
I see far too many people walking around crackin' wise 'bout Vikings . That's bullshit , man . Vikings are superior to both Pirates and Ninjas , Robots and Zombies , Aliens and Rednecks , Crips and Bloods , Vampires and Werewolves , and all other blank versus blank nerd-fests that populate message boards as of late . No one wants to take on the Vikings . Know why ? Fear .
What sets Vikings apart from the rest of the crowd are their craftsmanship , their spiritual beliefs , and also their beards . Vikings are the only men who can braid their beards and still look cool . One time , Rob Zombie , Gimlee , and the dudes from ZZ Top all braided their beards , and I walked by , and I was like , "who the fuck do you think you are ?"
I guess the most concrete argument one can make from the three I pointed out would be the Viking spirituality . I'm not talking 'ooh , I bought a fifty dollar crystal off of QVC , ain't that special' spirituality . That's for soccer moms and fat Goth chicks who have their heads jammed a good distance up their own asses .
Vikings followed Odin and his crew of buck-wild ballin' muthafuckas . All other Gods , Demi-Gods and *shudder* prophets can suck a fat one ; Odin was the man . Think about it . Literally every other King of the Gods was a pussy . Zeus ? Pussy . Jesus ? Pussy . Quetzacoatl ? A very large feathery pussy . Odin was the exception to the rule .
Odin was the God of all things , like war , beer , blacksmiths , and poetry . You may think poetry was for fags like , y'know , the Greeks , but you'd be wrong . Odin wrote badass poetry , like this :
My balls are so huge
Like a beanbag chair betwixt my
Dinosaur-penis-like legs
It's true ; Odin's sack was the stuff of nightmares . Did you know that in order to gain his high level of badassery he let some old bastard tie him to a tree , beat him like a pinata and then leave him hanging for nine freakin' days ? Then Odin became a God , and he stomped that decrepit fart's black ass like there was no f-ing tomorrow . Ballsy .
Like Odin , Vikings didn't take any shit . They weren't taught 'mercy' , or 'honor' , or 'love' . There was a time to rape and pillage , and then a time to eat and sleep . That was it . They also brought women aboard their boats , unlike pirates who brought condoms .
Vikings were also inventors . Know who discovered the formula for a primitive gunpowder , thus setting the course for cannons , bombs , and all modern warfare ? Vikings , bitch . They knew what time it was .
I see far too many people walking around crackin' wise 'bout Vikings . That's bullshit , man . Vikings are superior to both Pirates and Ninjas , Robots and Zombies , Aliens and Rednecks , Crips and Bloods , Vampires and Werewolves , and all other blank versus blank nerd-fests that populate message boards as of late . No one wants to take on the Vikings . Know why ? Fear .
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Yes , Women Are Getting Stupider
Let's play a game . See if you can spot which one doesn't fit .
Maya Angelou
Virginia Woolf
Gertrude Stein
Amy Winehouse
Correct answer ? Maya Angelou . She never got loaded and killed a guy with her car ... yet .
But you also may have spotted Amy Winehouse , who is the only woman on this list under forty , retarded , an alcoholic , and on MTV every fucking second . Let's play another game . See if you can spot the pattern .
Eleanor Roosevelt
Sandra Day O'Connor
Laura Bush
Paris Hilton
The pattern is an obvious one . They arranged in order of age (oldest to youngest) and literacy rate (highest to lowest) . The fact is women are getting stupider . I'm not being a mysoginist here , I'm stating a plain fact . Right now , young women are looking up to Flavor Flav's girlfriend New York and that twiggy bitch from Paramore . Wow , great choice , ladies . And we wonder why standardized test scores are slipping among females in this country .
I've analyzed the data and found a few patterns ; a) role models , and b) birth control . Here are the summaries of each one .
In a 1962 poll of women ages sixten to twenty-one , Time magazine ranked the five most admired women in the world . Amongst them were Mother Theresa and Jacqueline Kennedy , two very respectable women . In 2006 , Time did the same poll again . At the number one spot ?
Lindsay fucking Lohan .
Do you people see the problem ? We need to get ladies away from the televison screen (or at the very least that cess pool known as MTV), and get them into some books . Ever read a book called 'Girl, Interrupted' ? It's written by Susanna Kaysen , and deals with how frequently young women are diagnosed with borderline personalities . Of course , the young women of today will never read this incredible book , because they're too busy reading Twilight . Gay emo vampires making out and delivering monologues before committing suicide ? That sounds ... original .
The other pattern that goes along with the decline of intelligence amongst women is the advent of the pill . The science of birth control has made leaps and bounds in the last fifty years , whereas cognitive abilities have dropped like Monica's airplane . My theory : chemical and hormonal imbalances . Ever read the box on a Nuva ring ? The number of harmful chemicals is mind-boggling . And for something that's supposed to make women's menstrual cycles lighter , there sure are a lot of warnings about spontaneous vaginal bleeding . Wanna know what's unsexy ? A pregnant chick . Even unsexier ? A chick with a bleeding vagina .
So here are my solutions : 1) get MTV off the air ; I can't think of a greater threat to the lost art of reading than Laguna Beach . 2) Require an IQ test before distributing licenses to purchase birth control . There will be no age limitations on these licenses , save for the given state's age of consent . That way , only retards will be given birth control . Women who are 'too smart' will be forced to procreate , thus populating the world with only intelligent babies . I hate babies , but I hate stupid ones even more .
You may be wondering , "what will stop the idiots from procreating as well ?" Boy , you sure ask a lot of stupid questions for a fat chick who reads other people's journals . The answer is Spence Fiffield's patented ugly test . All a guy needs to do to test if a retard lady is worth his penis is compare his woman's face to the ugly chart . Is she as ugly as a she-male ? Ugly as Mo'Nique ? Or ugly as a bucket of rattlesnakes ? All you need to do is hold each chart up to the side of her face . If you can't tell which side is her anymore , you've found your match . And now that you know how ugly your wench is , you will undoubtedly lose your erection and ask her to make you a sandwich . Well done , my good man !
Maya Angelou
Virginia Woolf
Gertrude Stein
Amy Winehouse
Correct answer ? Maya Angelou . She never got loaded and killed a guy with her car ... yet .
But you also may have spotted Amy Winehouse , who is the only woman on this list under forty , retarded , an alcoholic , and on MTV every fucking second . Let's play another game . See if you can spot the pattern .
Eleanor Roosevelt
Sandra Day O'Connor
Laura Bush
Paris Hilton
The pattern is an obvious one . They arranged in order of age (oldest to youngest) and literacy rate (highest to lowest) . The fact is women are getting stupider . I'm not being a mysoginist here , I'm stating a plain fact . Right now , young women are looking up to Flavor Flav's girlfriend New York and that twiggy bitch from Paramore . Wow , great choice , ladies . And we wonder why standardized test scores are slipping among females in this country .
I've analyzed the data and found a few patterns ; a) role models , and b) birth control . Here are the summaries of each one .
In a 1962 poll of women ages sixten to twenty-one , Time magazine ranked the five most admired women in the world . Amongst them were Mother Theresa and Jacqueline Kennedy , two very respectable women . In 2006 , Time did the same poll again . At the number one spot ?
Lindsay fucking Lohan .
Do you people see the problem ? We need to get ladies away from the televison screen (or at the very least that cess pool known as MTV), and get them into some books . Ever read a book called 'Girl, Interrupted' ? It's written by Susanna Kaysen , and deals with how frequently young women are diagnosed with borderline personalities . Of course , the young women of today will never read this incredible book , because they're too busy reading Twilight . Gay emo vampires making out and delivering monologues before committing suicide ? That sounds ... original .
The other pattern that goes along with the decline of intelligence amongst women is the advent of the pill . The science of birth control has made leaps and bounds in the last fifty years , whereas cognitive abilities have dropped like Monica's airplane . My theory : chemical and hormonal imbalances . Ever read the box on a Nuva ring ? The number of harmful chemicals is mind-boggling . And for something that's supposed to make women's menstrual cycles lighter , there sure are a lot of warnings about spontaneous vaginal bleeding . Wanna know what's unsexy ? A pregnant chick . Even unsexier ? A chick with a bleeding vagina .
So here are my solutions : 1) get MTV off the air ; I can't think of a greater threat to the lost art of reading than Laguna Beach . 2) Require an IQ test before distributing licenses to purchase birth control . There will be no age limitations on these licenses , save for the given state's age of consent . That way , only retards will be given birth control . Women who are 'too smart' will be forced to procreate , thus populating the world with only intelligent babies . I hate babies , but I hate stupid ones even more .
You may be wondering , "what will stop the idiots from procreating as well ?" Boy , you sure ask a lot of stupid questions for a fat chick who reads other people's journals . The answer is Spence Fiffield's patented ugly test . All a guy needs to do to test if a retard lady is worth his penis is compare his woman's face to the ugly chart . Is she as ugly as a she-male ? Ugly as Mo'Nique ? Or ugly as a bucket of rattlesnakes ? All you need to do is hold each chart up to the side of her face . If you can't tell which side is her anymore , you've found your match . And now that you know how ugly your wench is , you will undoubtedly lose your erection and ask her to make you a sandwich . Well done , my good man !
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Abortion Is Awesome
Sex is cool . I love showing a chick my huge boner and slamming her ass like a basketball hoop . But you know what kinda sucks about sex ? Kids .
I hate children so very , very much . They think they are so much better than us normal people and that they deserve better treatment . That's bull crap and we all know it , but only I and like , one other dude are actually saying it .
I have a nephew named Alex who is six years old . All he does is bitch , bitch , bitch about how much he hates being a kid . Pretty perceptive for a brainless little mutant , I must say . I mean , if I was six , I'd hate myself too . Anyhoo , he whines at Thanksgiving and Christmas about how he wishes he was treated like an adult and not like a little piece of shit . So last year , after hearing his usual spiel , I grabbed him by the shoulder and elbowed that son-of-a-bitch in the mouth . He falls back crying , screaming 'why'd you do that' over and over . I smiled , stepped on his balls , and said , 'that's how adults are treated when they act like big blubbering vaginas' .
Abortions are awesome . Not only do you get to show off how cool your face looks when you shoot your load , or how great you are at calling a cab , but eight weeks later when the tramp comes sniffin' 'round lookin' fer child see-pote and whatnot , you can have a doctor shove a coat hanger up there and put that little shit on ice .
The only down side I can think of to abortion is that it has somehow become needless spank fodder fro *shudder* Socialists . Some black Presidential candidate (according to some old white guy) wants to put federal funding into clinics that would make women of any means able to abort their wormlings . That's bullshit . I'm not paying extra tax dollars so that Connie Cumdumpster can get knocked up at her fifteenth b-day pawty OMG and then queef out a corpse one trimester later .
Fuck that . I wanna get capitalism back into the game . That's why I'm starting a door-to-door abortion service . I'll drive around in a van that says 'I'll scrape that ass like fat from a fryer' , and pass out pamphlets with a viking on them . There's no funny thing about that ; vikings are just cool .
I figure I just need an apron that has pockets for , like , I dunno , flashlights or trowels or whatever , and a small business loan . So I'm appealing to all the banks in the world . Won't you make the dreams of one man from a small largest city in New Hampshire come true ? I'm good for the money . I mean , this thing ain't free ; I'm chargin' two-hundy a pop for my abortion services . And no , I don't have a medical degree , but who cares ? If these hoes wanna wait for the other door-to-door abortion guy to come , they're more than welcome to .
C'mon Bono , or whoever the hell runs the world bank . Gimme money . Me wantee . You're damning these stupid hatchlings to a life of prostitution and crystal methamphetamines when you could just cut out the middle man and flush them straight to hell . What I'm doing isn't an abomination , it's a mercy kill . Or , more accurately , a mercy vacuum cleaner in the twat .
I hate children so very , very much . They think they are so much better than us normal people and that they deserve better treatment . That's bull crap and we all know it , but only I and like , one other dude are actually saying it .
I have a nephew named Alex who is six years old . All he does is bitch , bitch , bitch about how much he hates being a kid . Pretty perceptive for a brainless little mutant , I must say . I mean , if I was six , I'd hate myself too . Anyhoo , he whines at Thanksgiving and Christmas about how he wishes he was treated like an adult and not like a little piece of shit . So last year , after hearing his usual spiel , I grabbed him by the shoulder and elbowed that son-of-a-bitch in the mouth . He falls back crying , screaming 'why'd you do that' over and over . I smiled , stepped on his balls , and said , 'that's how adults are treated when they act like big blubbering vaginas' .
Abortions are awesome . Not only do you get to show off how cool your face looks when you shoot your load , or how great you are at calling a cab , but eight weeks later when the tramp comes sniffin' 'round lookin' fer child see-pote and whatnot , you can have a doctor shove a coat hanger up there and put that little shit on ice .
The only down side I can think of to abortion is that it has somehow become needless spank fodder fro *shudder* Socialists . Some black Presidential candidate (according to some old white guy) wants to put federal funding into clinics that would make women of any means able to abort their wormlings . That's bullshit . I'm not paying extra tax dollars so that Connie Cumdumpster can get knocked up at her fifteenth b-day pawty OMG and then queef out a corpse one trimester later .
Fuck that . I wanna get capitalism back into the game . That's why I'm starting a door-to-door abortion service . I'll drive around in a van that says 'I'll scrape that ass like fat from a fryer' , and pass out pamphlets with a viking on them . There's no funny thing about that ; vikings are just cool .
I figure I just need an apron that has pockets for , like , I dunno , flashlights or trowels or whatever , and a small business loan . So I'm appealing to all the banks in the world . Won't you make the dreams of one man from a small largest city in New Hampshire come true ? I'm good for the money . I mean , this thing ain't free ; I'm chargin' two-hundy a pop for my abortion services . And no , I don't have a medical degree , but who cares ? If these hoes wanna wait for the other door-to-door abortion guy to come , they're more than welcome to .
C'mon Bono , or whoever the hell runs the world bank . Gimme money . Me wantee . You're damning these stupid hatchlings to a life of prostitution and crystal methamphetamines when you could just cut out the middle man and flush them straight to hell . What I'm doing isn't an abomination , it's a mercy kill . Or , more accurately , a mercy vacuum cleaner in the twat .
Monday, October 20, 2008
Musicals That Make My Blood Boil
In the realm of gayness , Musicals rank somewhere between two dudes fucking and watching your dad jerk off . I would rather die of dysentery or rubella than watch a musical . I once punched a six-year-old girl in the face for suggesting a musical for the family to watch . It made the rest of Thanksgiving somewhat awkward , but it put that little bitch in her place .
All musicals belong in a deep pit full of child molesters and vampires in the heart of Death Valley . I never want to see a musical advertised on TV again . If I do , I will murder Ted Danson . You may wonder what he has to do with all this . But he knows ...
These are a handful of the worst musicals ever made . I know , it sounds redundant , as all musicals are horrible . But I'm an optimist , and so I have hope that one day we will have a musical without any singing . Until then , beware these shit fests .
THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Wow , just what I needed : Nigel Thornberry's balls in my face . Fromunda cheese aside , this movie blows . I love the old fifties B-horror flicks for two reasons ; a) nobody is a transvestite , and b) nobody is a singing transvestite . If you are ever asked if you would like to watch Tim Curry prance around in women's lingerie seducing men for ninety minutes , just say 'no thanks , I don't like male butts' . If you do like male butts , however , I highly recommend this movie !
SWEENEY TODD. I can just imagine the producers meeting on this one .
D-Bag 1: Y'know what's cool ? Killing people and eating them !
D-Bag 2: Yeah ! And also , dancing !
D-Bag 1: I totally agree ! Let's make a musical about killing people ! It'll be awesome , dude !
D-Bag 2: And afterwards , let's have sex !
Wrong , wrong , wrong . I hate Johnny Depp , and that redheaded bitch , and that guy who played Snape in Harry Potter . I hate them because they raped me of six dollars and two hours of my life . I pray each night that they all get titty and/or dick cancer .
CATS. Ever see two men dancing side-by-side in unitards ? It doesn't feel good . The gayest part about this musical is that not only are men singing , dancing , and dressing up as cats for christ's sake , they're also going out into the audience and shoving their dicks in everyone's faces . I'm sorry , gay boy , but if you wanna roll around with another guy onstage , be my guest . I'll happily excuse myself to the bathroom and throw up for some other reason . Standing on my arm rests and shaking your junk within an inch of my face ? Prepare to die .
RENT. This is the big one . A lot of people (menstruating fourteen-year-olds) think this movie is about friendship and love . Bullshit . It's about homelessness and AIDS . While this is still very much a gay musical , I feel it's actually a step in the right direction for putting morality back in the theatre . The moral of this story ? Pay the rent or get AIDS . Your choice . I'm a good capitalist ; go ahead and check the link for my door-to-door abortion services . Why can't other parts of the gay liberal media be as supportive of the American way of life ? I'm looking at you , Avenue Q . Gay puppets = commies .
SEUSSICAL. Here's a fun idea ; let's all urinate on Theodore Geisel's grave ! No ? Then why not watch this big bowl of gay diarrhea . This is especially offensive , because not only is this one of the most homoerotic spectacles aimed at children since He-Man , but it also pinches off a nice , corn-riddled chocolate dragon on the face of an American genius . Dr. Seuss must be vomiting with rage down in hell .
I would happily list my complaints with all the other ninety-thousand musicals ever written ever , but I have to take a shit , and that usually takes about six to eight hours .
Monday, October 13, 2008
My Tattoos
As I look down at my ink-scarred body , the tales behind each tattoo bring tears of blissful joy to my eyes . You see , my ink is , like , my life , guy . Totally . Each tattoo is like a child . True , I'm a neglectful father , and when I get bored of looking at my current children , I just get a new one at SpiderBite , but that's all beside the point . And I've forgotten what that point is .
Looking at my bared chest , you're probably wondering what Shrek's penis looks like . Well , stop thinking like that you prevert . And yes , that spelling is correct . I am having with the perfect grammar , you like ?
Now that you're no longer fantasizing about a big fat green dude played by *ugh* Mike Myers , you're probably wondering what each tattoo means . Rather than tell you what they mean , here's a pamphlet that addresses all these questions and more . Oh what's that ? You can't read ? Than what the hell good are you , get out of my country .
THE FOUR-LEAF CLOVER . See that clover on my forehead ? That is a tribute to the time I headbutted a leprechaun . I was walking through downtown Hollywood , when all of a sudden , I see a Leprechaun ! Wanting my three wishes , I chased him to Mann's Chinese Theatre , where he was hiding behind some goon in a black suit . After being tased lightly (wuss) , I apologized to the Leprechaun , who's name was Verne Troyer . I then grabbed him and headbutted him . I may have been sexually assaulted in the prison holding cell , but it was worth it !
THE FLAMING SKULL . This is a tribute to my fallen homies . And not because they are fallen . But because they were denied their final wish : to be re-animated as scary flaming skeletons . I carry that burden with me always , in tattoo form . But it's not all bad . The tattoo guy gave the skull a smile , so it's like they're happy .
THE SEXY NURSE . This is a tribute to Chicago sportscaster Harry Carey , perhaps the greatest human ever to walk the Earth . After he died , I cried and cried and cried . This was especially awkward , considering I was having sex with a hooker at the time . But the bus-stop skank beneath me gave me the perfect idea for a tribute to our departed king , Harry Carey : Sexy Nurse ! True , the nurse is Asian , and the hooker was black , and also less of a nurse and more of a hooker , but no matter how you cut the cake , the icing is vanilla . And Harry Carey loves vanilla icing .
PIKACHU . I was drunk . Like , kinda gay drunk .
THE SMILING FACE AROUND MY CROTCH . One day , I stepped out of the shower and looked down at my genitals . They seemed so plain . They were just kinda , y'know , there . They needed to be more festive . So I drew a big happy smiling clown on a piece of tracing paper and cut out it's tongue . I then placed this drawing over by lower abdomen with my penis and balls hanging out through the hole in the mouth . Holy Crap , I screamed . That's so cool ! I immediately ran down to the tattoo parlor and got the tattoo . They didn't even mind that I was naked .
THE BULLSEYE AROUND MY ANUS . Okay , I was really gay drunk . Like , I was so gay I could've redesigned your house .
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